Wounds To Scars

Category: Parenting

  • The Role Attachment Play in Abuse

    This blog is not an excuse for abuse but an explanation of how attachment injuries can contribute to people becoming emotionally numb, shut down and unable to understand and commiserate with the suffering they caused. People who can’t feel pain on their behalf cannot empathise with the pain that others experience. They use anger as a defence to not take responsibility for the hurt inflicted on others.

    Having secure attachment provides a safe place for each individual to be in; a place where both joy and pain can coexist. Elders in these families communicate security and safety through a variety of ways, including but not limited to loving touch, kindness, loving actions, and emotional availability. Caregivers are responsive to needs and not dismissive of emotions. 

    This loving response to pain models care, and the recipient takes this model with them into other relationships. However, when the aforementioned is missing, for example, in the case of a home where there’s the chaos of abuse, whether it’s one they experience personally or the abuse they see inflicted on their mothers, they will find strategies to cope. 

    With nowhere to take those feelings safely, children can shut down to avoid feeling. A child who shuts down to avoid pain doesn’t become an open adult who can understand and deal with pain without much personal work. It takes a lot of self-awareness and honest reflection to admit that the chaos of home could have inflicted injuries that make you unsafe.

    It’s best to process and heal these injuries before attempting to go into a relationship; otherwise, the likelihood of you being emotionally abusive is high.

    Parental separation

    Parental separation can have a profound impact on a young mind. Many grow up without parents and with caregivers that were unable to love and who were physically and emotionally abusive in that environment.  

    However, the adult rationalises the physical abuse as the loving discipline, which causes them to do the same to their spouse and children. When abuse in any form is normalised, it becomes a dangerous pattern that repeats.

    Abandonment and emotional neglect also play a role in the adult’s ability to give and receive love. People who have difficulty with negative feelings shut down and avoid them; therefore, they can’t empathise with your hurt.

    Children learn how to manage feelings by watching their parents. When parents are emotionally unavailable or preoccupied, leaving a gap, sometimes the children fill that gap with stories of worthiness.

    Having caregivers that are unresponsive to your needs can have a profound impact. This lack of love and safety in relationships with caregivers gets the individual primed for rejection. When the brain gets used to abandonment and rejection, it takes a defensive position to protect itself from perceived harm. Anyone in that state of hyper vigilance will not have the capacity to give or receive love.

    Love shouldn’t hurt

    Love doesn’t hurt, but for people primed for neglect and abandonment, even the purest love with the best motives will get treated with mistrust and even contempt. People who fear rejection due to a lack of secure attachment can become emotionally unavailable and manipulate others to meet their needs. 

    Although they reject the need for connection, they are unaware of how it operates in the subconscious.

    Manipulation and control stem from needing connection but fearing that they won’t have it can lead to internal turmoil. As opposed to finding a supportive place to understand and heal the rage, it’s acted out in relationships. This push-pull of wanting love but fearing they won’t have it becomes an all-encompassing job. The lack of empathy and control becomes intolerable for the partner, friend, or child.

    Although a relationship can become a safe space for all parties and a spouse can become a secure attachment figure, they cannot fix the attachment injuries. These injuries need the expert attention of a trauma therapist. This is one reason why books on marriage that don’t address attachment won’t help the couple struggling with abuse. That’s also why abuse is a personal problem. However, the relationship can become a secure space for both partners despite both receiving insecure attachment patterns. Without this, there’s little hope that healing will happen or that the abuse will stop.

    The path to healing

    Attachment injuries are often overlooked in treatment and help not given to abusers. Pastors and organisations working with couples dealing with abuse also need this information about attachment because most don’t know how attachment trauma impacts how the individual conducts relationships throughout his life.

    Abuse hurts the adults in the relationship and has a devastating impact on children; therefore, in finding solutions to abuse, we need to dig deeper for the issues that lie at the root of the behaviour to find answers.

    – – – – – – 

    Learn secure attachment and resilient building tips in our biweekly newsletter. The first 20 people joining will enjoy a discount of $5 for the duration of your time. This month we are focusing on healing attachment injuries and having a better relationship with ourselves. Click HERE to join.

  • Can The Mother-Daughter Wound Heal?

    I was recently reflecting as I often do on the special connection between mother and child. Psychologist calls this unique bond attachment. My reflection wasn’t just about the bond per se but rather about the things that often hinder this tie and the path necessary to heal the damage.

    When the parent-child bond is damaged, it’s is called attachment injuries. It works much like any other physical injuries. I am particularly interested in the broken connection between mother and daughter.

    However, because the wounds are not visible, it’s often ignored for a long time—some for a lifetime. Yet, when we consider the sometimes fractious relationship between mother and daughter and the implications for future generations, this wound needs urgent attention.

    Many daughters wonder if there’s anything that can heal the damage sustained through lack of connection, blame and failure to take responsibility; which are typical of the hurt that daughter experienced at the hand of toxic mothers.

    And still, more are stuck because the question for them is who is responsible for the wound. Some daughters would like the acknowledgement of emotional disconnection and the pain that caused. Because for many there is nothing more painful than a present but unavailable mother,

    Several daughters are struggling with silence and lack of ownership. Some want resolution in the form of acknowledgement for the pain they endured. Some want an apology for wrongs done. But, this is where many get stuck. Because their pain often goes unrecognized, mothers refuse to accept responsibility and daughters are left in a place of pain they feel incapable of shifting.

    Some use forgiveness as a tool to heal. However, forgiveness without addressing the wound doesn’t heal. Therefore, many battle years of bitterness, still stuck with, the question ” who is responsible for the pain”?

    I have had the privilege of helping mothers and daughters build a bridge to the future. There’s nothing more courageous than a woman listening to the impact that her pain has caused and taking responsibility where it’s needed. The ability to take ownership despite the discomfort is healing for both.

    It’s beautiful to experience both learning the process of giving and receiving forgiveness and working together to find the pieces that will construct the bridge to their future—one with boundaries and mutual respect.

    I know that this takes a lot of personal work and determination to hear and validate others’ pain. I also know that not many people can do this; not many will make themselves see and be with the impact of their actions to that extent that they can extend grace. As a result, many mothers stay stuck in self-protection and miss out on the opportunity to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship with their daughters.

    Self-protection sometimes looks like anger, blame, and guilt projected unto the daughter looking for answers and solutions to her pain. This lack of ownership can have the pair trapped in a cycle of blame, pain and hurt that can be destructive, where no one wins.

    Every mother was a daughter, and they likely experience their mother-daughter wound. It’s even more crucial then that someone breaks the cycle of passing on pain.

    Though this is true, it’s small comfort to the hurting daughter. When you are in pain, its little comfort to know that your hurt source also has wounds.

    Some daughters are unwilling to accept their mother’s pain because they believe it will mean excusing their actions. But I think women must understand what happened before- not to ignore it or even forgive it but so that they can understand the places where generational patterns harm them.

    Armed with this knowledge, they have tools to navigate their lives and relationships. Generational habits are deeply ingrained and so subtle that it can be easy to miss the places where said pattern is repeating in your life.

    When daughters obtain an understanding of the impact of family history, it can be freeing. The knowledge of what happened in the family tree is liberating as it gives choices.

    Because the probability is high that without healing the same pattern could repeat for you in some form in your relationship with your daughter.

    So can the wound heal? And who should do the work of healing?

    The short answer is both are responsible for their pain. When each person heals then the relationship heals. Some well-meaning people who help mothers and daughters have a vested interest in the relationship, and so they often want to speed the process up encouraging each to forgive and move on.

    However, moving on might mean distance and no contact.

    When a daughter is prepared to heal the impact of the mother wound, she will get to the place where she decides whether to make no-contact or stay in touch.

    Some know that staying in contact will mean continued ignoring of their needs. Because the mother man isn’t changed, staying in touch could be re-traumatizing.

    Tackle core beliefs

    Be aware of the negative core beliefs that come from the damage experienced from the mother’s relationship. For example, a woman’s feelings of not ‘good enough’ can sometimes be traced back to a lack of love.

    Often when a woman doesn’t receive love the message, she battles with is am I loveable. It will take healing for her to realize that her mother’s inability to love her has nothing to do with her worthiness. She must remember that adults unhealed pain has the potential to cause lasting harm to a child.

    Nevertheless, this deficit has the power to destabilize a woman for a long time, leaving her wounded and grappling with thoughts of not being good enough. These thoughts will also influence beliefs and strategies that she used to guide her life.

    That is why a woman has to become aware of the wound, and it’s potential to impact her life and relationships. That then has to be her responsibility, and she has the power to decide to heal or not heal.

    Create distance without bitterness

    Some struggle to create distance without bitterness. Wounded daughters sometimes use anger and hurt feelings as punishment only these are classed as toxic emotions and hurts only the person holding them.

    If you would like to create distance without bitterness, get support to identify and implement clear boundaries to keep you safe.

    To and answer the question. Healing requires personal responsibility, and it also enables you to release the perpetrator. The release doesn’t absolve them of responsibility, but it will free you to break the intergenerational pain cycle and find personal peace.

  • Christian books on how to be a “good” wife are not written with black women in mind.

    Christian books on how to be a “good” wife are not written with black women in mind.

    Authors tend to write with their audience in mind; that’s why I’ve concluded that Christian authors that write about how to be a ‘good’ wife didn’t write with the black woman in mind.

    I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Your audience is your audience; however, I do believe these authors should be direct in their advertising. I can hear the uproar at that. It wouldn’t be politically correct or Christian to make such a declaration, and I agree, but what then is the solution.

    As I read these books, I am more concerned that they do not reflect our stories. It’s a similar situation at some retreats. Often I hear the information then go home and sift it so that I can find what I can use. It’s exhausting. But that’s me what about the woman who doesn’t know how to sift the information. The author is writing from her own life and perspective; therefore, there will be irrelevant information.

    Some women will take everything at face value because it’s accompanied by Bible verses and set about applying it in her life and home with frustration.

    When the results, she desires fail to materialise some internalised that failure. When this happens, some women feel not good enough because the suggestions work for the speaker and so many others. Why can’t it work for her?

    I’ve read and tried to apply enough of these books to know that I am not their target audience.

    The suggestions mostly seem unattainable and leave one with a feeling of dissatisfaction and failure. The temptation to feel and think you are not good enough or worthy enough is strong.

    When making suggestions to a group as broad and diverse as wives, context is crucial. 

    If you are going to read and apply these books, here are some things to keep in mind.

    1. Context

    Your context is different: your home situation and dynamics might be different from that of the author. I often see where these authors stay at home moms whereas you and your husband might work shifts to keep a roof over your heads. A lot of black homes are two-income households as we try to build and create a future for our children that is different from the one we had.

    Additionally, some families are trying to build wealth and create a legacy for the next generation.  

    The woman has to manage all those competing 

    demands and choices while being present for her husband, children and herself could become overwhelmed with more requirements.

    1. When you are a working mom, trying to apply these suggestions, it will be challenging to juggle work and doing all the things they intimate are essential.
    2. Burn out fatigue is real, and it’s already a struggle for the woman who is trying to balance work and a family. Adding more could be a tipping point.

    What then is the option for black Christian women.

    I know women want to be good wives, mothers, sisters, daughters. I know we want to serve in our communities and build legacies for our children.

    Often the black woman does that at the exclusion of self.

    We are still living in the shadows of the stereotype of the strong black woman. Coupled that with the teaching around what strength looks like for the Christian woman and she doubles down on hiding her feelings while diving into doing what everyone thinks she should do.

    The multitasking trap

    Women are excellent at managing multiple tasks at once. They are good at juggling balls and trying to balance a busy life with doing a lot, but that’s a trap. The subtle myth of “you can have it” all haunts many women, and they pressure themselves into doing more because it seems that this or that person is doing it.

    Sometimes comments from husbands suggest that you are not enough not doing enough. Why can’t you work full time to help balance the budget and single-handled keep the house clean, the children fed and be all that I need?

    Ladies, you can have it all but not all of what your neighbour or friend has. Your all will depend on a close evaluation of your life and how it functions. It will depend on your goals and what is right for you and your family.

    Teach your family not to expect you to be all things to all people. Train the children early to be independent, let them help with the task as is appropriate for their ages, set expectations for your husband. Ask for the help that you need.

    One damaging message the strong black woman stereotype sends is that you don’t have needs. Often some of us are raised in households where we never see our mothers expressed needs, and therefore we learn how not to make demands.

    Additionally, the ongoing trauma that is always repressed means work sometimes becomes a coping mechanism. The ability to adjust and to work on fitting you in your schedule where you priorities you, your mental and physical health and your personal development might be a challenge, but it’s one worth undertaking.

    When you take the time to train your household and manage the expectation of your children, it means that you can have time to develop you. Learn and understand who you are and come to a place where you are secure in that knowledge.

    Make the journey to self-discovery a lifelong one. Make that a part of the balls that you juggle as opposed to the ones society expects you to handle.

    Make one day a lazy day where you sit in the garden and relax. Seeing you take time for you will be a gift to your children. I heard something recently that had a profound impact on me. I know that many who are trying to fit into boxes designed by others miss this opportunity. Children benefit from seeing their mothers do things intended for personal growth and development.

    Good is relative

    Being a ‘good’ wife depends on the goals you and your spouse have. Remember ‘good’ is relative, so what works for your favourite author might not work for you.

    Therefore being a ‘good’ wife is dependent on your life and the circumstances that you have to manage. And not about ticking boxes designed by people who don’t understand or know about your experience.

    Self-discovery

    A woman understanding herself is a helpful place to start. Learn what makes you feel fulfilled and happy? Some of your needs will be met by you and some from the people around you.

    Often being a ‘good’ wife means meeting physical needs, the focus in on the cooking, cleaning and meeting your husband’s needs. That’s a lot of pressure. 

    These books educate us to think a good wife is a specific thing – and that we are responsible for the happiness of our families.

    Get to know yourself, be comfortable with who you are, be satisfied with what will help you to meet the needs that are present in your home. Then you will be the wife that required in your home.

  • Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    According to the Webster dictionary, abandonment is the act of abandoning something or someone.

    Abandonment in the context of the mother-daughter relationship occurs when a mother physically leaves the child, whether through living in another country or regularly creating physical distance between them. Going often or failing to connect emotionally when present. As you will also see in this blog post, a child can also experience abandonment when the mother fails to advocate for her or chose not to believe her side of the story.

    When a mother experiences abandonment without healing the generational pattern gets passed on to the daughter.

    Types of Abandonment

    Physical abandonment

    Physical abandonment occurs when a mother leaves home. The mother might move to live in another country or another part of the country. There are various reasons why this might happen, such as economic migration, a woman fleeing violence or family structures where extended family care for children enabling the mother to travel for work.

    Due to the mother leaving the daughter may have several painful experiences that she has to suffer alone. She may have to endure puberty along with other physical and biological changes in her bod but have no one to guide her.

    She handles unanswered questions around puberty, periods, and what to expect. Many young women thought they were dying when their period started. Some thought they were ill or bleeding to death. They had so many varied imaginations. Mother figures that are present failed to play the role that a mother should have played. 

    Physical abandonment leaves the daughter with questions and feelings of rejection. These questions are sometimes never answered by the mother, who feels her actions were justified. 

    The reason for leaving is irrelevant. The daughter needs to understand and heal the impact of the loss. She may have an intellectual understanding and is sympathetic to the need that influences the decision; however, the feelings of the wounded child needs to be acknowledged and healed.

    Physical abandonment can also occur when mother though living in the same home fails to bridge the gap that exists between her and her daughter. The distance would have started in childhood and becomes more pronounced as the child grows morphing into emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment is an emotional state that leaves the child feeling alone, rejected and unwanted. This withdrawal might be sudden or a gradual moving away that can create anxiety in the daughter.

    A daughter experiences emotional abandonment when the mother is present but not available. She also gets it from the mother who cannot love and connect due to her experiences of neglect. She may decide to stay; however, breaking the cycle of neglect requires more than a decision to stay.

    The mother who decides to stay also has to knowingly do several things different not to get the outcome of recreating that pattern of abandonment for her children.

    Healing alone eliminate the risk of recreating patterns of abandonment. Living together doesn’t mean the mother; knows how to have conversations about puberty. Sharing physical space doesn’t mean that she knows how to take the daughter into her confidence or indeed to work her relationship with her daughter so that they can have meaningful conversations.

    The mother might not know how to win the daughters heart where she can provide needful guidance about changes in her body. 

    There are several ways that mothers recreate feelings of abandonment.  

    1. When a daughter discloses instances of sexual trauma and the mother chooses to side with the partner, a colleague or family member or immediately dismisses what the daughter says and not listens. Not being believed gives a feeling of aloneness and being invisible because the person who she expected care and love from could not provide what is most needed.

    Sometimes this experience plunge women into many years of self-hate, blame and internalised hatred and anger. The storm of emotions can magnify when culture dictates that the daughter should care for the mother in later life.

    Culture demands loyalty from the daughter or the daughter feels a sense of duty to care for and keeps contact with the mother. Forgiveness is possible; however, healing gives you a chance to work through those feelings safely so that the care you provide comes from a place of love and not duty. Duty can be as toxic and harmful as hate and anger.

    In some instances, the mother demands care as a duty, as service she deserves because of the years of sacrificing. A daughter needs to address and heal from her injuries to prevent this pattern passed down to her daughter.

    2. Feelings of abandonment recreates when the mother regularly retreats to her room gives no explanation, and the children are left to ‘figure’ out what’s wrong. Often in these instances, children take responsibility for what they perceived as the reason mother cannot spend time with them. This blame can last a long time. 

    It also leaves a feeling of unworthiness and not being good enough.

    · Lack of quality time can also create feelings of abandonment. It’s in those special times together that a mother and daughter will connect. When there’s a gap, she questions her worth and wonders what needs to change for her to be loved. This pattern of ‘fixing’ her and chasing love can linger into adulthood until the trend is acknowledged and the root healed.

    3. Emotional abandonment can also occur when a mother who is more comfortable with tasking than connecting. Tasking might have a purpose and desired outcome, such as ensuring the daughter has necessary life skills. However, children are not known for their ability to reason and arrive at logical conclusions. Adults would struggle to understand without an explicit explanation.

    The mothers were daughters too, and understanding of her generational patterns can help the daughter understand her mother’s context and what made her the mother that she is today. However, that won’t stop the toxicity.

    Firstly she has to heal.

    Healing

    Though you may intellectually know why your parent left and make a decision to forgive and try to forge a relationship, the wounded child still needs to heal. Without healing, the risk of the intergenerational pattern of abandonment will continue. 

    You may experience psychical abandonment when your parents left, and you had to find ways of dealing with those emotions. Burying, ignoring or intellectualising the pain of neglect won’t heal the hurt. 

    Many counsellors, therapist or other mental health professionals are trained to help you recognise and begin healing. The book by Mark Wolynn ‘It didn’t start with you’ can help you understand the generational cycle and begin to improve.

    If you are looking for ways for you and your mother to Heal Wounds to Scars one day retreat will be a great place to start. Get the details HERE.