Wounds To Scars

Category: Parenting

  • Five ways to Improve Broken Relations with your Children

    Five ways to Improve Broken Relations with your Children

    Sometimes when we’ve experienced childhood trauma, we struggle with relationships.  For example, we might find it hard to function in romantic relationships parenting.   The struggle is evident even in people who have planned for and awaited the birth of their babies.

    Lack of connection can be the trigger for enormous guilt and shame.  We are taught to be ‘perfect’ at parenting, and this struggle is especially hard for women.  It seems we should automatically know how to attach and stay united.

    However, it is also true that the needs of our children might trigger our attachment wounds.  When this is happening secure connection could be impeded.

    Below I outline some steps that you could take to begin to repair that relationship.

    We connect with our children when we can be playful, practice presence, protect them and help them feel safe.  Repair is further advanced when we communicate in a language that they can understand.  Give them opportunities to spend time with you and be ok with them initiating alone time.

    The above initiatives will help to repair any relationship and foster long-term secure connection.

    1.    Increase availability

    Practice presence being with them physically and mentally; you can be in the same room with them without talking or doing an activity together.  Your presence can be calming and reassuring even when you’re not speaking.

    Try to make this a no screen time.  Resist the urge to check your messages or emails or catch up on social media.

    2.    Listen deeper

    Give them a feeling of being heard.

    Think about what it feels like for you when you know someone understands you on that deep level.  Think about the last time someone gets you, and you did not have to explain or defend self. Remember the sense of relief that you felt.

    Giving children a felt sense that you understand them will help in repairing any broken places in the relationship.  Ask questions to clarify any misunderstanding.

    Listen for the hurt tone, look for specific facial expression and respond to the hurt that is reflected.  Commenting on tone, facial expression and the injury gives a feeling of acceptance even when exhibiting emotions that might be difficult to handle.  E.g. ‘You sound angry when you said….., I wonder if we could talk about it.’

    Additionally, summarising your understanding of what was said. For example, here’s what I got from what you said.’

    Check in with them to make sure you understand what they are trying to communicate.

    Sometimes this might be challenging if you are unhappy or disagree with a course they have chosen or feel their actions are wrong, or not in line with the values you try to teach.

    Check what you understood

    Idea

    ‘I don’t understand, but maybe you could tell me more.’

    3.    Acceptance

    Practising acceptance also includes self-acceptance.  Sometimes as parents we can be hard on ourselves especially at those times when we feel like we made a mistake or we broke a promise we made to ourselves or the child.

    Practising acceptance will help you look at the bigger picture, and you have another opportunity to try again.  Forgive yourself and try again.

    Forgiveness teaches self-compassion and empathy which are essential elements for connection.

    It is easy to be hard on self when we feel we’ve ‘messed’ up as parents.  You can repair this by shifting to a more supportive stance.

    Idea

    •    Offer self-empathy

    •    Share with your spouse how you feel about what happened

    •    Accept support and encouragement from others

    4.    Give and receive forgiveness

    Accepting an apology is essential in repairing broken places in any relationship.  The disconnection between parent and child is just as crucial, and forgiveness can help to heal many wounds.  When something happens notice how you feel about letting go of the hurt.

    Notice your usual stance when hurt. Do you withdraw into silence, shout or resort to punishment.

    Asking for forgiveness is also essential in repairing disconnection, e.g. ‘ I am sorry for shouting’ be sure to take responsibility for your loss of control.

    Idea

    Model the behaviour you would like the children to exhibit. E.g. ‘ I lost control; there’s no excuse for it please forgive me?’

    5.    Play together

    Try to do something that they like

    How comfortable are you with playing? It’s a useful tool for building relationships with our children.  Making room for playing could increase togetherness and build trust.

    What is one activity that you can do that doesn’t include screen time?

    Idea

    Outdoor activity such as hiking, biking, sports

    If you would like to learn how to begin to develop relationships with your children our parenting after trauma course will walk you step by step through this process. View Parenting after Trauma HERE

  • Is attachment a Western Concept?

    Is attachment a Western Concept?

    Every time I speak on the subject of attachment, there is usually one person in the audience who will ask.  ‘Is this a western concept?’ or ‘My mother never told me that she loved me and I am fine’, and I never told my children that I loved them and they are fine.’

    Although it is alarming, I have learnt to listen to this comment with patience and understanding.  It is usually coming from a place of curiosity and genuine concern.  Most would like to learn more so that they can understand and make changes.  For others, they fiercely guard their loyalty to parents. Many are afraid of the logjam of emotions that comes from facing truths that they’ve hidden from all their lives.

    However, the fact that we would think it is ok not to express love in a verbal or non-verbal way is problematic.  We were born with an innate need to experience love, and we cannot intellectualise or argue love away. 

    The problem with the group that challenges the need for affection is they cannot see that they are giving what they got.  By holding to the view that bonding is a hairy fairy concept of the west ensures that another generation of people in your family will grow up not knowing what it feels like to intimately connect with primary caregivers.  Lack of bonding ensures that the legacy of hurt continues.  Nevertheless, this cycle can change.  It changes when someone in that family decides to heal their attachment injuries and make different choices.

     Cultures vary

    Behaviours can mean different things to different people.  Notwithstanding, there are some universal elements of love.  For example, the parent who is sensitive and attentive to the child’s needs is a parent who is working at creating deep bonds.

    It is also true that many aren’t able to do this for a variety of reasons.  Additionally, attachment cues might differ from culture to culture.  For example, some cultures might be expressive and vocal when playing with or engaging the baby while others might be calm and more reserve.  None is right or wrong but what is important is that parents know how to respond to the needs and signals of children and act in a timely way.

    Facial expressions can attract a child’s attention and is a good mirror of the parent’s mood.  A secure connection is also built through safe touch, kindness, love and acceptance. Relationships that reflect these are safe and can give a sense of belonging. 

    Childs behaviour is organised around a parent’s availability of unavailability.  It is likely that the people who question the need to learn how to say I love you or show it in a way that the child can understand comes from the environment where there was emotional unavailability.

    For those who still believe it is a western concept when did you first figure out that you were loved? What were the signs that led you to make that conclusion?  When do you think your children will begin to figure out that you working hard was your way of showing, love?  Should that replace other expressions of love such as; safe, loving touch, kindness, smiles, soft eyes, and quality time?

    If you would like to learn how to begin to develop a secure attachment with children our parenting after trauma course will walk you step by step through this process. View Parenting after Trauma HERE

  • Truth can break generational cycles

    Truth can break generational cycles

    Truth can break cycles, but it might not work for everyone.

    Generational cycles and patterns can impact the truth and how it is received.  If you are from a family accustomed to misrepresenting or ignoring reality, then it could be challenging for you to unlearn that habit and develop the practice of telling the truth.  Naming and owning things that have disrupted the family can be hard. People are often prone to rationalise why things are the way they are as opposed to facing it and create change.

    Sometimes telling the truth will challenge a family’s loyalty, in this place of silence abuse and all kinds of trauma will thrive.  Families that are unable to name and change patterns become toxic and this destructive behaviour can cause considerable damage to the generations below. 

    Breaking the cycle

    1. you will need to become radical with the truth, fierce about freedom and protective of the next generation.  Sometimes this might make you stand out, and this could feel unsafe especially in families where toxicity and violence exist.  It will be necessary to protect and keep yourself safe.

    2. Have appropriate conversations with your children.  Sometimes the discussion needs to start internally. Start by acknowledging to yourself that a pattern exists.

    Investigate

    When you notice the patterns, investigate.  Exploration of the models might be challenging as sometimes the older generation is closed and often refused to share.  Even then this information will be a source of healing and comfort for the person carrying out the examination.

    Don’t keep family secrets

    Smash the old saying ‘what happens in this family, stays in this family’ when you’ve found out the secrets that have perpetrated through generations breaking cycles means sharing what you know.  This information might be the key to help unlock someone else’s pain. It might be the vehicle of change for you and the next generation.

  • I was Raised to Please Mom

    I was Raised to Please Mom

    There is a fragile line between giving a child life skills and building a relationship with them where they feel safe and secure.  Many experience the former and spend a lifetime trying to connect to a mother who often does not have the internal resources to go beyond tasking.

    So many women I meet experienced mothers who were great at tasking but cannot emotionally connect.  These moms taught them life skills but not a secure attachment.   The relationship consists of them pleasing mom by carrying out the assigned task but receiving nothing in return.  In the eyes of some moms from this era, food, clothing and shelter are as much a confirmation of love as anything else.  That is the only way they know how to say ‘I love you’.  However, these moms are not equipped to do the emotional stuff.   You can stay stuck in this relationship for years and move out of childhood and enter an unhealthy, toxic relationship as an adult.

    Often daughters in this position were not raised to be aware of or meet their emotional needs. One woman said ‘I didn’t rely on anyone because I was raised not to recognise my needs; therefore, I felt no one knew how to meet them’.  Though she didn’t know how to name her emotional needs, she was keenly aware of any defecits.

    There is good news; you can break the cycle with mom:

    Be aware of the narrative between your mom. 

    The narrative contains the sequence of looking after mom’s feelings and being trapped in a place of fear just in case something might be not to her standards.

    It’s important to know how forgiveness, compassion, respect, culture and guilt will play into how you break free or if you can break free from this cycle. For example, guilt might influence you to have compassion without boundaries.

    Implement safe boundaries 

    All healthy relationships have safe limits.  Decide what kind of relationship you would like to have with mom.  An important point to note: A boundary is a need and you are used to not having needs met with mom, it might be useful to have support to help you identify and articulate what you would like.  Support will also help you maintain these boundaries and look after you.

    The need to be needed

    In other words, this kind of relationship in early life could set you up to be co-dependent as an adult.  Understand that the root of this pattern stems from the habit that you had to develop early in life. The mother might say I am raising you to be independent.  However, for true independence to be achieved you need first to be dependent especially in the formative years.