I was asked this question today in the group call for Wounds to Scars Parenting After Childhood Trauma course and decided to also address it in a video in the private Facebook. I am sharing that video with you here.
What do you do for self-care
How do maintain consistency as a parent?
The older my children get, the deficit in my parenting becomes more pronounced. Some days I am keenly aware of my lack of skills and the need for increased knowledge to meet the new demand.
We should warn individuals before children that continuous professional development is necessary and more crucial in different parts of the journey.
Parenting with deficits from your childhood can compound the problem.
Parenting can be a shame generating experience especially if you are surrounded by people who act like they have it all together. For example, the woman with three children, a full-time job and manage to entertain.
I am aware that sometimes things are not what they appear on the outside.
After the birth of our first set of children (twins), the health visitor encouraged me to join the mother and baby group held at the doctor’s surgery. As an introvert group can be challenging and therefore I was not excited about the invitation. I figured I could just about manage in a new setting on my own, but as a new mother with twins, I am not sure I wanted to try.
The dreaded morning arrived, and I became stressed as I got the children and myself dressed. We arrived in the nick of time barely able to breathe. What I found was a closed group of women who spent most of the time steering at us. It was an uncomfortable 11/2 hours. Despite the promptings of the health visitor once was enough for me.
About one year later I happened to bump into one of these women at said Doctors surgery this time she spoke to me. She reminded me of the unfortunate group experience and stated that after the session she went home and cried. She said ‘you had twins, and your daughter was dressed and in a headband and I had one, and he wasn’t even in socks’.
She had no idea what it took to get me to that group at the unholy hour of 9 am even though I had my sisters living with me at the time.
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Parenting is one of those areas that can be shame generating.
If you are the mother whose child is active
Talkative, Shy, silent type, energetic and effervescent.
There might be times when you receive free unsolicited and unwanted advice or just scrolled at across the room because little John was just his usual self.
In my last blog, I talk about parenting identity, and my one regret is; I wish I had decided on one earlier. However, for a long time, I tried to keep up with the status quo and sought to fit my children into the boxes that were prescribed by others.
I remember an awkward conversation after a stressful day. This discussion came after I received a very lengthy email, from another woman complaining about my son. I was not in the mood and told her so. Needless to say, the meeting did not go well.
I learnt that I began parenting from a different place to some people; therefore, patience and kindness to myself was paramount. I had to let go of the need to be liked and not allow other people to dictate how I approach this journey.
My children were 6 & 2 as I work through the hell of childhood trauma. During that time I was present physically, but It was extra effort to ensure I engage in play or touch the child who likes hugs and spends time with the one whose love language is quality time.
To be emotionally present requires parts of me that I did not have and throughout this, I had to learn how not to deny my emotional and relational needs. I had to remind myself that in looking after me I will be able to show up in a better way for my children.
In my course parenting after a childhood trauma, I address patterns and help you find solutions that will be beneficial to your kids. If you would like to heal from your childhood challenges without an adverse impact on your children. Sign up here for the next run of the course Parenting After Childhood Trauma which begins August 15th.
Yesterday I published the first half of the blog Parenting is challenging, this is part two, and I would like to extend that title to add; parenting ‘s hard, but this makes it more difficult.
As I decide on the identity, I would like to assume as a parent these three things were necessary for the vision to come to fruition.
That means the values that I would like my children to learn I have to reflect them myself. For example, I had to show them how to show compassion and empathy by demonstrating that to them and myself.
2. I had to let go of stereotypes.
That includes comparisons that are present in the media, what people say about raising boys or girls. These comments are aplenty.
3. I also had to release cultural expectations and cultural norms to show up different for my children. I remember after having children my father asked very solemnly ‘Jo, raise them the way you were raised’ I said no. I had made a decision to do things a little differently. Ok, so that was the new idealistic parent who felt she knew everything, but since that time I had stuck mostly to my word. There was a lot of what my parents did that was impressive that I decided to emulate.
If you are parenting after childhood difficulties, it will be crucial that you show yourself empathy and be compassionate with you. Be flexible and give yourself permission to ask for help.
The second run of my course Parenting After Childhood Trauma will begin on the 15 August 2017 to be notified when we launch, or for more information, you can sign up here