For many, the thought of a mother hating her daughter seemed inconceivable, and it’s beyond comprehension that this should even be a conversation. Women are nurturers and caring. However, for a large number of daughters, haven’t received the love and care from their mothers.
Lack of maternal connection is a reality for many daughters. They’ve had to navigate life while dealing with the negative experiences from their mother. For many years they live with the pain of knowing that their mothers hate them.
The bible talks about the woman who forgets her suckling child, it says, they can forget’ that means a mother is capable of ignoring, abandoning and rejecting her child. That is difficult to accept, but it is the truth.
For some daughters, the rejection is subtle. The bitterness is not explicit; it’s not something they can immediately identify. Mother does all the expected things like cooking, cleaning, buying clothes; however; there is a distinct lack of warmth and affection. A child can usually tell whether they are loved or not through the way the mother interacts with them.
What can happen in the life of a woman that will lead her to hate her daughter? And who’s responsible for fixing or repairing the broken connection?
In some cultures, daughters are encouraged to forgive and give care to their mothers, especially in the latter stages of life.
Let’s consider the girl who knew her mother hated her. It’s no inkling, not a feeling, not a thought. She didn’t hear it through the cruelty of the village the gossip.
Mothers lack of affection is a well-known fact. She has never hidden her feelings, and no one sought to shield the daughter from those harsh truth.
It is natural for children to try and engage with the person with whom they most want to connect. This lobbying for attention takes many forms. It might be the baby who continually cries or the toddler who learnt how to appease, the teenage rebellion and the young adult who discovered that people-pleasing got the most favourable outcome. All are trying to figure out a way to connect with the mother.
Jane struggled with depression for many years; however; she didn’t feel free to seek support until her mother died. Her symptoms seemed to magnify at that time, and Jane felt guilty because she couldn’t grieve.
She could also see her history repeating in the life of her youngest. And she had limited resources to be able to tackle something that seemed to have a life of its own. Jane tried, but it felt like a force beyond her, and she had little skills to combat its impact.
Somehow history was determined to repeat itself, and as much as she hates the actions, her efforts yield little results.
She sunk into depression, suicidal thoughts and a lack of zest for life that showed in everything she did.
It is not unusual for daughters to be unable to process the pain of the relationship when the mother is alive.
Somehow despite the dysfunction, there is deep-rooted loyalty towards mother. Therefore taking the opportunity to process the impact of the mother-daughter relationship is deeply problematic for a lot of daughters.
Despite the years of struggle the drugs, overeating and the depression that grew worse daily. Jane was never able to get help to understand her feelings. Nevertheless,
the combination of old and new grief met in the death of her mom.
Jane cared for her mother in the final stages of her life. She was the one that lived nearest, and the siblings thought the most reasonable thing for everyone if she took on caring responsibilities. Despite years of being mom’s carer, this did not endear her to mom or improve the relationship.
The hatred didn’t change, and mom didn’t soften towards her.
Nothing was good enough.
She experienced verbal abuse.
Being told she knew she would never amount to anything.
Not all mothers are as vocal with their hatred. However, one can hardly hide feelings as strong as hate. It comes out in the tone of voice, inactions, in silences and conversations.
Hatred shows up in love given or withheld.
A child will often know when there is no warmth or affection, and when there’s no effort to change.
Hatred doesn’t have to be spoken to be felt.
When the child is younger, they may not have a name for what they experience, but they will know the feeling very well.
Nothing worked to change her mind.
So when the first boyfriend she had proposed Jane said yes. Marriage provided an escape from the day to day life of living in an environment where she never experienced love and affection.
She endured many years of painful Christmas, holidays and vacations. Many times she played the dutiful daughter always hoping that this time things will be different, despite these attempts, the hatred didn’t change; nothing she did endear her to her mom.
The lack of affection and loving attention had a massive impact and on Jane’s self-esteem, triggered depression, and when her mother died, she has left her with a sense of emptiness. Throughout her life instead of love and connection she received No self-worth, no love reflected, no security and with death no chance of working her way into her mother’s affection.
Daughters must learn that the hatred thrown at them by the mother is not about them.
A mother lacking self-awareness will inevitably pass her pain on to her daughter
Willing on the generational pain she receives from her mother.
Here are three things to consider as you reflect on the relationship with your mother.
Heal self-hatred
Know that the difficulties with self-acceptance probably stemmed from the prolonged exposure to hatred from mother’s disgust.
It is essential to address the root of your lack of self-acceptance. Owning the source of any emotional difficulty can be challenging. Sometimes, it might be necessary to grieve the loss of connection and heal your image of yourself. It is important to note that your mother’s inability to interact and connect with you doesn’t equal your worthiness for connection.
Connection
Opportunities for connection is all around. However, you might tell yourself stories of worth and worthiness. You are worthy of safe, authentic relationships.
Identify safe people, individuals who have shown you care and kindness in the past. Use these memories as an anchor during times when you need contact but are afraid of reaching out. These experiences are also invaluable when you are learning how to accept support and compassion from others.
Self-blame
Often the adult daughter will try to connect and build a relationship with the mother. She might entertain thoughts such as; ‘I should do more’ There’s a strong sense of duty that will influence attempts at relationship. When these attempts at connection go, unnoticed or rebuffed feelings of depression and self-hate can resurface.
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