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The Subtle Danger of Spiritual Abuse
It is not easy to identify and escape the subtle manipulation of spiritual abuse. Many skilled in the word and also those new to God are vulnerable to the craftiness and control of an abuser.
She was new to church, loved the Lord and anxious to find a place to serve. He was welcoming, kind and knew his bible ‘inside out’ she was impressed with his knowledge and took the opportunity to learn as much as she could from him. He was obliging and took the chance to ‘help’ her understand many scriptures that she grappled with and introduced her to concepts she’d never knew existed.
She didn’t notice it at first, because the change was gradual. Slowly she lost her ability to say no. Each time she tried to disagree with a view or offer an opinion, he countered it with strong opposition coupled with scriptures to bolster the argument. She believed and accepted every word.
Her confidence gradually disappeared as she tried to fit the image that he told her represented humility.
She was taught to consider the needs of others and so was led to give up more than she ever taught was necessary.
She often questions privately, but fears kept her silent. She was the only Christian in her family and didn’t trust that anyone outside of her church would understand. She was isolated from friends, and there was nowhere to share. Once she felt brave enough to share with an elder. He seemed to have similar knowledge of the bible and was a part of the church hierarchy. The matter quickly escalated to the pastor and a meeting date set.
At the meeting, she got further instructions on how to be a good sister that reinforced the view that no one would understand. Maybe she imagined things, and it wasn’t that bad.
Ten years later she was a shadow of her former self. She questions every thought and double check every decision. She struggles with anxiety and continuously doubt her worth.
Her relationship with God never really formed. She served in many ministries but struggled to trust God. It was hard to believe He didn’t agree with the abuser. He used scriptures to bolster arguments on so many occasions; she was unsure what was right and what wasn’t. It was also hard to identify God’s voice from the voice of the abuser.
Abuse such as this exist in many churches, and often people are unaware of where to go to get support.
Here are some key points to consider.
Always double check biblical explanations – try to get your answer from more than one source. Additionally, it is essential to read the bible for yourself. God will speak to you in the same way others claim He has spoken to them.Take time to develop your relationship with God. Learn to understand the unique way He speaks to you.
Avoid cliques. Many churches are filled with groups, this is one way some might get trapped into relationships that are unhealthy.
Trust your instincts.
The effects of spiritual abuse are as harmful and lasting as any other forms of violence. If you can identify with this abuse seek the help of a trusted professional to assist you to heal from the effects of the damage.
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Rescue me
Every interaction has two participants. Sometimes these interactions are unhealthy and damaging.
Sometimes persons will battle to defend their patterns and roles, even when these are present in toxic relationships. Identifying which position you play could be an essential key in freeing you from situations that have held you captive.
Recently I did a workshop talking people through Karpman’s drama triangle. The goal of the workshop was to help participants identify where they were on the triangle and use the tools I share to break free. Throughout the seminar people owned their positions; many were surprised when they saw where they fitted. They could also recognise their partner’s status and felt hopeful about change.
Below is a brief description of the items on the triangle.
Victim – The victim has no boundaries, often has a sense of hopelessness, struggles to take responsibility and blames others for their mistakes.
Persecutor – The persecutor often has internal conflict, struggles with anger, often act entitled and fails to take responsibility for their actions.
Rescuer – Underneath the doing the rescuer harbours feelings of inadequacy. They are people pleasers, often co-dependent and struggles with low self-worth.
During the workshop, one woman said ‘I am a persecutor, and my husband is the victim/rescuer’. I believe awareness is a big part of the change. We cannot change until we become aware of what needs replacing.
However, the transition can be challenging, especially when we have lived in a role for many years. Even though it might be unhealthy, it is all we’ve known. The daunting prospect of learning and implementing new skills can seem daunting.Often this is where persons struggle and ends up justifying why they do what they do. They also challenge the need to change by citing statistics and give evidence of things that happened when they tried to reform.
For example, the rescuer might feel like there will be no one else to do the job they do. The overriding thought is ‘if I don’t do it no one will.’
To change.
The rescuer needs to identify why they chose the position they decided and learn steps to break free.- Here are some core values of a rescuer
- The only person I can depend on is me.
- If I don’t do it, no one will
- If I don’t do it, it won’t be done properly
- The needs of others are more important than mine
- Struggles with feelings of inadequacy
- Suffers from guilt
- Gets value and purpose from other feedback
Each position on the triangle is grounded in dysfunction. These roles usually show up in dysfunctional relations without boundaries and are often damaging to one or both participants.
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The Narcissist goes to church
Narcissist thrives in religious settings. There are many reasons for this some of which I will discuss below.
But first, let’s get a definition of who is a narcissist. According to the Collins dictionary, narcissism is exceptional interest or admiration in oneself.
In church, we are so anxious to please that we often unwittingly enable behaviours that are abusive to continue. In this environment, spiritual abuse thrives, and domestic abusers find a safe place to hide. The victim, however, will be left with looking after themselves. Sometimes they are vilified.
‘well-meaning’ folks give advice such as; ‘let it go’ ‘just forgive’ or ‘we should bear each other’s burdens’. Extraordinarily when women who are experiencing abuse at the hand’s narcissistic husbands seek help from church leaders, they are often told ‘submit.’ Women have the responsibility of ‘fixing’ the relationship. Already hurting, they hear statements such as if you were this or that’, your husband’s behaviour would be different or change. As a result, many suffer for years in silence while children are traumatised daily through the abuse they witness.
We can imagine the confusion from a wife who expects help but got sent back to submit to the torturous imaginings of the abuser.
To be fair to the church leader, the narcissist has a way of influencing feelings of apathy. They are not in touch with their emotions and so are often unaware of how their presence might impact you. People without the skills to deal with them usually give in to their demands and do things that are out of character.
People who are experiencing abuse sometimes get the short end of the stick. Church often hold meetings where both parties come together to ‘sort things out’. The narcissist will have a field day here because they are masters at manipulation.
They lack empathy and will, therefore, be unable to see or hear how what they did might have affected the person (whether it’s their wife, child or someone they hurt at church). The emotional disconnection means nothing you say will change their behaviour. The narcissist is excessive, self absorb and are unaware of others needs.
It is important then for the church to be aware of how to manage situations of abuse. This is an urgent training need for most congregations.
Some do’s & don’t when dealing with a complaint against abuse
Do not have a meeting with the victim and the abuser, especially where you do not have the expertise to listen and work with abuse. Being an elder/pastor, unfortunately, do not automatically qualify you to deal with these situations. You are in a powerful position of trust, and it is vital that you can help both parties.
Being neutral would be challenging for the most seasoned professional. I have the uttermost respect for those in leadership who often refer out cases of abuse.
Learn the characteristics of a narcissist so that you are at least able to identify the problem. You can support through prayer as you help to keep the victim safe. Knowing what the signs are will help you to maintain boundaries and not be influenced to shift or give up because of being worn down.
Here are some vital signs that could help you spot a narcissist.
- The person with an overarching sense of entitlement.
- Unable to apologies.
- Lacks emotional intelligence.
- They are unable to accept how their actions might affect others.
- They cannot take responsibility and lacks remorse. Instead, concern about image and how others see them is a priority.
- The victim will always be wrong.
- They also often resort to anger or frustration to get what they want.
Do not ostracise the woman who left the relationship because of the abuse. Additionally, seek out the person who left the church because they are disappointed and sad.
Do
Seek the help of a professional for both the victim and the perpetrator
Do support through prayer and educating the church on how to support victims.
Attend training or invite specialists to come to your church to teach your congregation how to manage these situations.
If you would like to heal from the hurts suffered at the hands of a narcissist our course The Journey from boken will help. You can find it HERE
If you are a church Leader and would like to talk about how to manage situations of this nature you can schedule a call HERE
