Blog
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Loving Requires Vulnerability
When we’ve been hurt we struggle with a couple of areas. Some of those areas are crucial to the health of any relationship. However, the damage sustained in early life can hinder growth.
Trust, vulnerability and communication are important components of any healthy relationship.
Trust
If you have never experienced the world as a safe place, it impacts your ability to trust. We learn to trust others by experiencing people as reliable. Honesty is essential in the survival of any relationship. However, trust needs time to build. If you notice that you struggle to let others in, give yourself time to heal the broken trust and patiently seek to rebuild.
It is important to note that having safe boundaries is a part of building trust. Permit yourself to do whatever it takes to feel safe again.Vulnerability
Vulnerability grows as we permit ourselves to share parts of us with others. For example, there is some degree of exposure necessary to articulate to others our need for comfort. Expressing an emotion or asking for a need to be met takes courage. However, when you allow yourself to heal and grow sharing your need will become more comfortable.Listening
Listening creates a dialogue where the other person will also have the opportunity to speak. Listening gives insight into thought processes and provides information that will be vital to the building of safe relationships. -
Strategies for Managing Triggers
Sometimes the term triggers suggest that it’s limited to people trapped in addictions. However, anyone can experience triggers
But those of us who have experienced trauma especially childhood trauma can identify with experiencing triggers. It is vital that you understand what they are and what to do to ensure you are in control.The memory of traumatic experiences can act as a trigger for many. Sometimes when we remember the event that occurs, it can affect mood and change the way you feel about yourself and your day.
Some things that might be a trigger
- Negative words that you hear from people in authority.
- Threatening words said to you as a means of control. As a child, you were not able to reason through certain situations or see them as empty threats. As a result conflict or someone else’s anger can be a trigger for you.
Exposure to domestic violence can influence feelings of fear and situations that stir up anger or anxiety can be re-traumatising for this individual. It could be traumatic for a child being exposed to domestic abuse as much as it is for the person who experienced the abuse.
How do we manage triggers?
What: Know what triggers you. Identify what is happening; chances are you will have the same response in similar circumstances.
Notice your patterns of behaviour especially in certain circumstances.When: identify when you are most likely to be triggered. Are you most like to be triggered at certain times of day, around specific situations, when you are alone or when you are with others.
How: identify your reactions when you are triggered. For example, how do you react? Do you shut down or do you become angry?
It is vital to know how you react so that you can have a strategy to deal with stressful situations. -
Three key features of Self Sabotage
Self -Sabotage is saying we want something and then go about making sure we do not get it. That might seem contradictory but is the daily reality for many. For example, many know they need help yet ensure they are too busy to get help.
Self-sabotage is rooted in childhood challenges. It is a coping mechanism that followed you into adulthood.
Self-sabotage is connected to the negative messages that you learnt from the abuse you suffered. You would have devised rules to help keep those messages active. For example, you are limiting yourself, i.e. stopping you from achieving at your fullest potential because you are concerned how others will receive it.
Playing small then becomes a way of life. You’ve convinced yourself that it is not safe to grow beyond the people in your circle. whenever this show signs of changing you will sabotage the process.
Procrastination –
We procrastinate when we consistently put things off until the last minute. You distract yourself with a seemingly vital task to avoid working on the critical project. Procrastination is often linked to fear and worry. We ultimately feel like we are not good enough and so we put off doing anything.Perfectionism –
Perfectionism shows up in decision making. It will discourage you from trying new things and exploring new hobbies. The perfectionist has incredibly high standards which are often unattainable.• Perfectionism and low –self-worth works together to help keep the individual from progressing.
Low self-worth
Another feature of self – sabotage is little self-worth. It tells you that you are not worthy of the things you desire. Sometimes while in the middle of reaching your goal some will make what seems like a perfectly logical decision to stop. The reasoning will appear justified unless you understand the mechanics of sabotage.Self-sabotage is the unconscious way of trying to avoid facing challenging situations. It is the fear that stops you from progressing, the butterfly in the pit of your stomach that prevents you from setting reach goals. It is the negative message that whispers lies about your worth and stops you from attending to the task that could change your life.
