Wounds To Scars

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  • Overcome Negative Messages with this tip

    Overcome Negative Messages with this tip

    There’s always an influx of negative stories running in the background for most of us. For those who experienced childhood trauma, these messages can flow continuously and can be debilitating for a lot of people.

    Negative messages are subtle and repetitive. They mostly occur around certain times and events. Whether it is a sound, sight, smell, a familiar face or taste, it could be any number of triggers. It is sometimes difficult to identify a particular trigger because they are subtle and easily missed.

    If you would like to know what leads your thoughts down a particular path, take time to study yourself. Pay attention to those things that annoy or make you sad. You can also reflect on things after the fact and honestly scrutinise the events of that day to find what started you down the path of low moods or irritation.

    Sometimes we might fear to identify the trigger. You may have a story around the particular event. For example, you may have been told that you are lazy when you make a mistake. This would influence distorted thinking. You may not decide to think of yourself in these terms but might catch yourself doing so before you had time to think. These general statements such as ‘ I always make mistakes’ are called globalisation. No one always does anything, so chances are there will be times when you don’t make mistakes.
    However, because you’ve been trained to think of you in the negative, you wouldn’t naturally challenge those thoughts.

    Brain
     That’s where the beauty of the mind can help. According to neuroplasticity, You can create new pathways and change the old harmful way of thinking.
    Let’s take the thought ‘I always make mistakes’. Say these instead. Everyone makes mistakes. That’s normalising the negative statements.

    If everyone makes them, then it’s not a particular character defect, or something unable to change.

    You could also think, ‘I can learn from my mistake’ Some of those comforts we enjoy today. Like electricity, was not invented on the first try.

    You try it.

    Think of your repetitive message.
    When does it usually show up?
    How does it make you feel?
    How can you challenge those thoughts?
    Now tell yourself what’s true
    Practice, practice, practice, until challenging your thoughts to become a regular part of yourself talk.

    If you would like help to permanently turn off those negative messages we have just the tool for you. Our Emotional Well-being bundle comes with three audios. One is focused on developing positive thoughts. Get the bundle HERE

  • Rescue me

    Rescue me

    Every interaction has two participants. Sometimes these interactions are unhealthy and damaging.

    Sometimes persons will battle to defend their patterns and roles, even when these are present in toxic relationships. Identifying which position you play could be an essential key in freeing you from situations that have held you captive.

    Recently I did a workshop talking people through Karpman’s drama triangle. The goal of the workshop was to help participants identify where they were on the triangle and use the tools I share to break free. Throughout the seminar people owned their positions; many were surprised when they saw where they fitted. They could also recognise their partner’s status and felt hopeful about change.

    Below is a brief description of the items on the triangle.

    Victim – The victim has no boundaries, often has a sense of hopelessness, struggles to take responsibility and blames others for their mistakes.

    Persecutor – The persecutor often has internal conflict, struggles with anger, often act entitled and fails to take responsibility for their actions.

    Rescuer – Underneath the doing the rescuer harbours feelings of inadequacy. They are people pleasers, often co-dependent and struggles with low self-worth.

    During the workshop, one woman said ‘I am a persecutor, and my husband is the victim/rescuer’. I believe awareness is a big part of the change. We cannot change until we become aware of what needs replacing.
    However, the transition can be challenging, especially when we have lived in a role for many years. Even though it might be unhealthy, it is all we’ve known. The daunting prospect of learning and implementing new skills can seem daunting.

    Often this is where persons struggle and ends up justifying why they do what they do. They also challenge the need to change by citing statistics and give evidence of things that happened when they tried to reform.
    For example, the rescuer might feel like there will be no one else to do the job they do. The overriding thought is ‘if I don’t do it no one will.’
    To change.
    The rescuer needs to identify why they chose the position they decided and learn steps to break free.

    • Here are some core values of a rescuer
    • The only person I can depend on is me.
    • If I don’t do it, no one will
    • If I don’t do it, it won’t be done properly
    • The needs of others are more important than mine
    • Struggles with feelings of inadequacy
    • Suffers from guilt
    • Gets value and purpose from other feedback

    Each position on the triangle is grounded in dysfunction. These roles usually show up in dysfunctional relations without boundaries and are often damaging to one or both participants.

  • Forgiveness is a Gift

    Forgiveness is a Gift

    I’ve heard many sermons, talks and presentations on forgiveness. Unfortunately many tackle this necessary topic without seemingly caring about the pain endured.  Additionally, they offer little comfort to the wounded.

    The message on forgiveness usually favours the abuser. The victim’s take away the lesson that their forgiveness free’s the abuser from any punishment for their wrong.

    Forgiveness seems to exonerate the perpetrator from guilt, responsibility or the need for repentance. Rarely do we hear the cry for the abuser to apologise and seek forgiveness. Rather the onus always on the victim?

     I believe in forgiveness. I believe that my ability to forgive frees me. I also think that as we help people to walk through their pain, they will naturally arrive at the place where they can forgive without being pushed or frightened.

     Sometimes the emphasis on the victim forgiving cause many who are hurting to struggle to see where Christ fits in their suffering. If people with religious authority tells you to forgive, offers no sympathy for the wound you carry and fails to acknowledge the pain of your experience, this could be extremely disheartening.

    Now I don’t claim to be a bible scholar, but I’ve learnt a few things about Jesus that tells me He doesn’t share their opinion. His heat is tender towards you, and He cares for the brokenhearted.

    You have no responsibility towards the abuser. However, forgiveness is a gift that we offer to ourselves and others. Gifts are unexpected and rarely deserved it’s the thoughtfulness and care on the part of the giver that imparts gifts.

    For you to be able to give that gift, you first have to receive it.

    It is essential that you allow yourself to heal. Through that process, you will get to the place where you desire to give the gift.

  • The Narcissist goes to church

    The Narcissist goes to church

    Narcissist thrives in religious settings.  There are many reasons for this some of which I will discuss below.

    But first, let’s get a definition of who is a narcissist.  According to the Collins dictionary, narcissism is exceptional interest or admiration in oneself.

    BUY NOW

    In church, we are so anxious to please that we often unwittingly enable behaviours that are abusive to continue. In this environment, spiritual abuse thrives, and domestic abusers find a safe place to hide.  The victim, however, will be left with looking after themselves. Sometimes they are vilified. 

    ‘well-meaning’ folks give advice such as; ‘let it go’ ‘just forgive’ or ‘we should bear each other’s burdens’. Extraordinarily when women who are experiencing abuse at the hand’s narcissistic husbands seek help from church leaders, they are often told ‘submit.’ Women have the responsibility of ‘fixing’ the relationship. Already hurting, they hear statements such as if you were this or that’, your husband’s behaviour would be different or change. As a result, many suffer for years in silence while children are traumatised daily through the abuse they witness.

    We can imagine the confusion from a wife who expects help but got sent back to submit to the torturous imaginings of the abuser. 

    To be fair to the church leader, the narcissist has a way of influencing feelings of apathy.  They are not in touch with their emotions and so are often unaware of how their presence might impact you.  People without the skills to deal with them usually give in to their demands and do things that are out of character. 

    People who are experiencing abuse sometimes get the short end of the stick.  Church often hold meetings where both parties come together to ‘sort things out’.  The narcissist will have a field day here because they are masters at manipulation.

    They lack empathy and will, therefore, be unable to see or hear how what they did might have affected the person (whether it’s their wife, child or someone they hurt at church). The emotional disconnection means nothing you say will change their behaviour. The narcissist is excessive, self absorb and are unaware of others needs.

    It is important then for the church to be aware of how to manage situations of abuse.  This is an urgent training need for most congregations.

    BUY NOW

    Some do’s & don’t when dealing with a complaint against abuse

    Do not have a meeting with the victim and the abuser, especially where you do not have the expertise to listen and work with abuse.  Being an elder/pastor, unfortunately, do not automatically qualify you to deal with these situations.  You are in a powerful position of trust, and it is vital that you can help both parties. 

    Being neutral would be challenging for the most seasoned professional.  I have the uttermost respect for those in leadership who often refer out cases of abuse.

    Learn the characteristics of a narcissist so that you are at least able to identify the problem.  You can support through prayer as you help to keep the victim safe.  Knowing what the signs are will help you to maintain boundaries and not be influenced to shift or give up because of being worn down.

    Here are some vital signs that could help you spot a narcissist.

    • The person with an overarching sense of entitlement.
    • Unable to apologies.
    • Lacks emotional intelligence.
    • They are unable to accept how their actions might affect others. 
    • They cannot take responsibility and lacks remorse.  Instead, concern about image and how others see them is a priority.
    • The victim will always be wrong. 
    • They also often resort to anger or frustration to get what they want.

    Do not ostracise the woman who left the relationship because of the abuse.  Additionally, seek out the person who left the church because they are disappointed and sad.

    Do

    Seek the help of a professional for both the victim and the perpetrator

    Do support through prayer and educating the church on how to support victims.

    Attend training or invite specialists to come to your church to teach your congregation how to manage these situations.

    If you would like to heal from the hurts suffered at the hands of a narcissist our course The Journey from boken will help. You can find it HERE

    If you are a church Leader and would like to talk about how to manage situations of this nature you can schedule a call HERE