Wounds To Scars

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  • Co-dependency can be Addictive

    Co-dependency can be Addictive

    Have you ever missed something so intensely that you either panic when it’s gone, or you try to devise ways to ensure that it never goes?  Sometimes untangling from co-dependency can generate a similar feeling.

    Codependency can produce a heady feeling of acceptance and worthiness or shame and guilt. Like any other habit that involves a big rush of negative emotions, there are side effects.

    Here are some things you might notice as you try to leave a co-dependent situation.

    Comfort eating –

    When the people that relied on you are gone, A feeling of worthlessness might accompany their departure.  Sometimes this feeling can be assuaged with food.  Comfort eating is widely used to manage emotions that are both negative and positive.  It can be the thing that is practised to pick you up when you feel down or balance moods after the rush of ‘good’ feelings.

    Investigate

    Examine your decisions; this will help you identify the event that will trigger low or high feelings.  Identifying patterns will help put you in control and in a place where you can initiate change.

    Relationships

    A co-dependent will move from one friendship to the next without taking time to heal.  Moving can happen because you are addicted to the feeling you get when the new relationship starts. Or the impression that you get from the chase.  It might make you feel in control.  However, when the relationship ends or when that initial phase wears off you are left with the same feeling of worthlessness that triggered the hunt for new attachments.

    There are many reasons why we develop co-dependency. 

    It is also important to note that though this is something you are trying to heal from as an adult, as a child it was beneficial and may have kept you safe or protected.

    You may have grown up a home where you were the scapegoat your way to avoid being targeted was to meet the needs of your abuser. Only then would you get protection or any sense of safety. 

    Additionally, when you’ve lived your whole life enjoying the feeling of being needed, it can be challenging to make the distinction between what is co-dependency and what is a genuine cry for help.  If in doubt develop the habit of questioning your motives.  Ask ‘why am I doing this?’ ‘What do I hope to gain from helping’?  The answers will help you make the distinction.

    Three tips that can begin to help you heal from co-dependency

    1.    Self-acceptance

    Learn to accept you as you are today.  Not after healing, or weight loss or when you become a better mother, wife, sister or friend.  What you consider ‘good’ might be constructed in your mind and not necessarily right.

    2.   Truth

    Tell yourself what’s right about you today, now. Notice what you do well and celebrate. Admire your good traits and make those your primary focus.

    3.    Boundaries

    Make sure you have effective boundaries in place.  Boundaries are healthy.

    Without boundaries, it is impossible to identify when a relationship is co-dependent or when patterns such as; I’m relying on you to depend on me shows up.

    If you would like to learn how to grow healthy boundaries and learn self-acceptance go HERE

  • You cannot change the past: but you Control the Future

    You cannot change the past: but you Control the Future

    Dealing with childhood trauma can be challenging. Many spend years trying to repress or forget. However, the impact is felt throughout many areas of life. As a result, expereincing injury can affect some persons ability to grow (self-development). It can also limit education and earning potential.

    Survivors struggle with feelings of confusion, guilt and shame. Some employ various coping mechanisms as a means of survival,

    Here are some strategies that you could begin to use that can help you to develop a healthy self-image and restore self-worth.

    Acceptance
    Embrace who you are, just as you are. Your ability to embrace all of your stories without apology can help to strengthen confidence and enhance your ability to tackle life’s difficulties easier. Self-acceptance is a key component of healing. It gives you control over how the rest of the story unfolds and gives you power over how it ends.

    Boundaries

    Having safe boundaries is an essential element of healing. Part of this process is being able to identify and articulate your needs. For example, what are your needs around safety? What do you need to feel safe? Are you ready to share this with the people close to you? An essential step in implementing boundaries is recognising it and owning your need and right to have it.

    Celebrate

    Recognise and acknowledge wins and growth regardless of how small

    You may not be able to cannot change the past, but you have the power to change how the past affects you.

  • Five ways to Improve Broken Relations with your Children

    Five ways to Improve Broken Relations with your Children

    Sometimes when we’ve experienced childhood trauma, we struggle with relationships.  For example, we might find it hard to function in romantic relationships parenting.   The struggle is evident even in people who have planned for and awaited the birth of their babies.

    Lack of connection can be the trigger for enormous guilt and shame.  We are taught to be ‘perfect’ at parenting, and this struggle is especially hard for women.  It seems we should automatically know how to attach and stay united.

    However, it is also true that the needs of our children might trigger our attachment wounds.  When this is happening secure connection could be impeded.

    Below I outline some steps that you could take to begin to repair that relationship.

    We connect with our children when we can be playful, practice presence, protect them and help them feel safe.  Repair is further advanced when we communicate in a language that they can understand.  Give them opportunities to spend time with you and be ok with them initiating alone time.

    The above initiatives will help to repair any relationship and foster long-term secure connection.

    1.    Increase availability

    Practice presence being with them physically and mentally; you can be in the same room with them without talking or doing an activity together.  Your presence can be calming and reassuring even when you’re not speaking.

    Try to make this a no screen time.  Resist the urge to check your messages or emails or catch up on social media.

    2.    Listen deeper

    Give them a feeling of being heard.

    Think about what it feels like for you when you know someone understands you on that deep level.  Think about the last time someone gets you, and you did not have to explain or defend self. Remember the sense of relief that you felt.

    Giving children a felt sense that you understand them will help in repairing any broken places in the relationship.  Ask questions to clarify any misunderstanding.

    Listen for the hurt tone, look for specific facial expression and respond to the hurt that is reflected.  Commenting on tone, facial expression and the injury gives a feeling of acceptance even when exhibiting emotions that might be difficult to handle.  E.g. ‘You sound angry when you said….., I wonder if we could talk about it.’

    Additionally, summarising your understanding of what was said. For example, here’s what I got from what you said.’

    Check in with them to make sure you understand what they are trying to communicate.

    Sometimes this might be challenging if you are unhappy or disagree with a course they have chosen or feel their actions are wrong, or not in line with the values you try to teach.

    Check what you understood

    Idea

    ‘I don’t understand, but maybe you could tell me more.’

    3.    Acceptance

    Practising acceptance also includes self-acceptance.  Sometimes as parents we can be hard on ourselves especially at those times when we feel like we made a mistake or we broke a promise we made to ourselves or the child.

    Practising acceptance will help you look at the bigger picture, and you have another opportunity to try again.  Forgive yourself and try again.

    Forgiveness teaches self-compassion and empathy which are essential elements for connection.

    It is easy to be hard on self when we feel we’ve ‘messed’ up as parents.  You can repair this by shifting to a more supportive stance.

    Idea

    •    Offer self-empathy

    •    Share with your spouse how you feel about what happened

    •    Accept support and encouragement from others

    4.    Give and receive forgiveness

    Accepting an apology is essential in repairing broken places in any relationship.  The disconnection between parent and child is just as crucial, and forgiveness can help to heal many wounds.  When something happens notice how you feel about letting go of the hurt.

    Notice your usual stance when hurt. Do you withdraw into silence, shout or resort to punishment.

    Asking for forgiveness is also essential in repairing disconnection, e.g. ‘ I am sorry for shouting’ be sure to take responsibility for your loss of control.

    Idea

    Model the behaviour you would like the children to exhibit. E.g. ‘ I lost control; there’s no excuse for it please forgive me?’

    5.    Play together

    Try to do something that they like

    How comfortable are you with playing? It’s a useful tool for building relationships with our children.  Making room for playing could increase togetherness and build trust.

    What is one activity that you can do that doesn’t include screen time?

    Idea

    Outdoor activity such as hiking, biking, sports

    If you would like to learn how to begin to develop relationships with your children our parenting after trauma course will walk you step by step through this process. View Parenting after Trauma HERE

  • Is attachment a Western Concept?

    Is attachment a Western Concept?

    Every time I speak on the subject of attachment, there is usually one person in the audience who will ask.  ‘Is this a western concept?’ or ‘My mother never told me that she loved me and I am fine’, and I never told my children that I loved them and they are fine.’

    Although it is alarming, I have learnt to listen to this comment with patience and understanding.  It is usually coming from a place of curiosity and genuine concern.  Most would like to learn more so that they can understand and make changes.  For others, they fiercely guard their loyalty to parents. Many are afraid of the logjam of emotions that comes from facing truths that they’ve hidden from all their lives.

    However, the fact that we would think it is ok not to express love in a verbal or non-verbal way is problematic.  We were born with an innate need to experience love, and we cannot intellectualise or argue love away. 

    The problem with the group that challenges the need for affection is they cannot see that they are giving what they got.  By holding to the view that bonding is a hairy fairy concept of the west ensures that another generation of people in your family will grow up not knowing what it feels like to intimately connect with primary caregivers.  Lack of bonding ensures that the legacy of hurt continues.  Nevertheless, this cycle can change.  It changes when someone in that family decides to heal their attachment injuries and make different choices.

     Cultures vary

    Behaviours can mean different things to different people.  Notwithstanding, there are some universal elements of love.  For example, the parent who is sensitive and attentive to the child’s needs is a parent who is working at creating deep bonds.

    It is also true that many aren’t able to do this for a variety of reasons.  Additionally, attachment cues might differ from culture to culture.  For example, some cultures might be expressive and vocal when playing with or engaging the baby while others might be calm and more reserve.  None is right or wrong but what is important is that parents know how to respond to the needs and signals of children and act in a timely way.

    Facial expressions can attract a child’s attention and is a good mirror of the parent’s mood.  A secure connection is also built through safe touch, kindness, love and acceptance. Relationships that reflect these are safe and can give a sense of belonging. 

    Childs behaviour is organised around a parent’s availability of unavailability.  It is likely that the people who question the need to learn how to say I love you or show it in a way that the child can understand comes from the environment where there was emotional unavailability.

    For those who still believe it is a western concept when did you first figure out that you were loved? What were the signs that led you to make that conclusion?  When do you think your children will begin to figure out that you working hard was your way of showing, love?  Should that replace other expressions of love such as; safe, loving touch, kindness, smiles, soft eyes, and quality time?

    If you would like to learn how to begin to develop a secure attachment with children our parenting after trauma course will walk you step by step through this process. View Parenting after Trauma HERE