Bonding disconnect
Sometimes when we have been abused as children we struggle with trust, this lack of confidence is not a conversation that we have with self rather it is an unconscious decision that we make to protect self from further harm.
I was blessed to be a loving, caring home with healthy attachment figures. When I identified my disconnection in relationships I had those relationships to draw, they provided safety for me as I learned to relate and make deeper connections with my husband. If these links are missing and there are no family relationships to draw on, get the help of a good counsellor who will help you to work through this problem and help you learn the skills to make deep connections that will benefit your relationships.
Experience people as unsafe
If you have never experienced the world as a safe place then you will not know how to trust anyone, you will not experience anyone as trustworthy because we learn to trust others by experiencing people as trustworthy. If the abuse happened in our childhood and we didn’t find secure attachment and were bonded to our primary caregivers, then it becomes difficult if that hurt is not healed to attach in adult life to other people.
At times decisions are made never to trust or allow you to become vulnerable again. These unconscious choices could be the root of some of the problems in the marriage. It is worth the effort to examine the leading cause of some of the challenges in your relationship and take an honest inventory of your habits and tendencies to identify the root of some issues.
Can see the unsafe traits of the abuser in everyone
We had booked in and were waiting to board our flight to London; I was making my usually confident stride up the passage to use the restroom one more time before boarding. I was at peace, settled finally. I had attended a conference on abuse and was able to cry uninterrupted for the first time. It was healing.
As I make my way to the restroom, a man was approaching me on his mobile phone, and I froze. This man looked just like my abuser, and my feet refused to move. My head worked it out within seconds, but the communication was slow getting from my brain to my limbs. After he passed and I regain use of my legs I got angry. Why did the abuser still have such powerful reaction over me? That episode in the airport changed my life and was the catalyst for Wounds to Scars.
Like my moment of frozen in fear sometimes we can see the unsafe traits of the abuser in everyone even our spouses. The way they talk, touch, etc. anything can sometimes be a trigger and send us to places of pain. People often deal with this in two ways. One we hide, try to bury the pain or two we can confront and deal with it. The former is often the cause of many problems in marriage as the hidden pain often manifest itself in many ways in the relationship. For example, we often use anger to cover our sadness. In this regard anger often becomes an almost safe place. If you recognise any of these traits it might be necessary to find a safe space to process the impact of the abuse.
