Blog
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Dealing with disappointments Pt. 1
Sometimes we have difficulty facing the inevitable challenges and disappointments in life. Some internalise this disappointment and function or try to live in a perpetual state of despondency while pretending they are fine. How can we face these trials and overcome? I suggest we be honest with ourselves and God about how we really feel. Join me as I interview one woman who was able to do that and came through on the other side praising.
She shared an enthralling story of faith disappointment and healing.
Interview with Darian Barnaby-Toussant author of ‘A journey of faith disappointment and healing’
Join me as Darian and I talk about recovery after a miscarriage and a very difficult second pregnancy
God’s purposes we cannot see but all is well that’s done by Him.
Joanna: Thank you for taking the time to do this interview, I know it’s very early in the morning for you.
Darien: You are welcome
Joanna: I was very intrigued as I read, your book, it echoes the message that wounds to scars seeks to give. It is a very important message healing is possible but the only person that can do complete healing is God.
Darien: That’s true.
Joanna: I saw was a very honest account of what you went through, an honest account of where you were with God and though you were a church girl and doing all that you were honest in saying ‘I was angry with Him.’ How did you get to the place where you became so honest with God?
Darien: Well we are supposed to talk to Him as we do to a friend so I decided to tell my friend this is how I am feeling. As I would tell my best friend how I am feeling about a situation.
Joanna: You had come to know God as your best friend?
Darien: Oh yes
Joanna: What was that process? How did you come to know God as your best friend?
Darien: When I started out as a Christian I was trying to see who God was. I was trying to learn things about Him. I spent a lot of time with God and as my book suggested, I joined fasting and prayer at church because I believe that some answers will only come through fasting, prayer alone will not do it. I wrote down everything I wanted Him to do for me and I would say ‘Lord these are the things I am asking you to do for me this month’ and as soon as they happen I would tick them off my list. And I would thank Him for answering and through that process of journaling and fasting He became my friend.
Joanna: That sounds like an amazing journey. While in your 20’s you worked out that it is important to have a relationship with God and that relationship carried you through some tough times.
Darien: Yes and shortly after baptism I went to college and I needed to keep that connection with God. They were many times that I could have gotten distracted as I study but I had God as my big brother and that made the difference.
Joanna: Some friendship survives only if there are no disagreements or conflicts or hard conversations. Sometimes people coast through friendships afraid of saying things that might be difficult. But you were not like that with God.
Darien: Not at all, I had to let Him know how I felt, I was upset.
Joanna: You said ‘the following morning after the miscarriage I could not even pray I was vexed with God I had nothing to say to Him’
Darien: That was how I felt. The bible tells us to keep ourselves pure and follow all these principles and I kept all that He asked me to do, I kept my side of the bargain and this was my first pregnancy and I was ecstatic and just like that it went. I definitely believe then that God was unfair. I was around so many people who were having children who did not really want them their pregnancies were progressing and mine had not. That was difficult.
Joanna: What kept you through that? Especially when you believed that God did not keep His side of the bargain.
join us tomorrow for Part two – the book ‘A journey of faith disappointment and healing’ is available via amazon
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Developing a healthy mind
Join from today through to the end of May for our podcast on developing a healthy mind.
https://www.spreaker.com/user/8739934/developing-a-healthy-mind-series
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Power of Positive Self-talk
I hate being late. I am also a bit impatient and have really high standards for myself. I cannot remember when those expectations were set; I just remembered the day I realised that I was spending my time trying very hard to reach a bar that was so high it was unattainable. My bar became unreachable because I kept changing what success looked and felt like. I added more and more things to the list of what would finally make me happy.
Until one day in a CBT workshop, my tutor made a remark that changed the course of my internal dialogue. At the time, I disagreed with his assessment but the reflector in me would not let it go. I usually think about what people say sift it through the truth of what I know about myself and what God says about me. on this occasion, I had to admit that he was on to something. His statement was true because these phrases had characterised so much of my life, they had become a part of my self-talk. I knew better but somehow was not living the truth that I knew.
A lot of my self-talk was characterised by these phrases ‘must, should, have to, what if and if only’
I have to arrive on time; my reports must be the best, what if it is not the best. If only I had done this or that. It was relentless, I never had time to enjoy my accomplishments or bask in any compliment because what if would follow very swiftly and self-analysis would begin. I had to identify and uproot what was influencing my negative self-talk. Additionally, as I listened to clients and people around me I discovered that this discourse was common among many.
What is driving must statements?
Cultural expectation – For some, cultural expectation is a big influencing factor. I have spoken to many women locked in untenable situations but do not feel they have a voice or an opinion because culture is dictating that they must support an extended family, stay in an abusive relationship, attend a certain university, and stay in a certain career.
Family values – these are passed down from generation to generation, they are sometimes expectations that are limiting, stressful and do not allow you to shape your own world view. I know this one is difficult and hard to own as you are reading this through those very lenses that I am challenging. Nevertheless, as opposed to thinking what if I do not meet my family’s expectation and consider I would like to meet my families expectations. This option gives you the opportunity to make different choices.
Promises that you made to yourself – growing up I am sure a lot of us make promises to ourselves that we try very hard to keep, these are indeed dear to us, however, when they become I must or I have to then it is time to change and form a new way of looking at those promises. For example, as opposed to I must keep this promise. How about I would like to keep this promise, the difference is the latter gives you room to plan and execute. The former brings stress, inability to think and the unlikely hood of keeping said promises.
Unfulfilled expectation – this is one that we sometimes project onto others, it is very prevalent in marriages. It keeps a score card of things you have not done and therefore you must do something else to make up for it.
If the above is challenging and hard to accept think about the freedom you will experience when you begin to make changes. As I am writing this I am tempted by my own self-talk, I tempted to think I must finish this before my next client calls. But I choose instead to say I would like to complete this post before my next client. The latter statement gave me room to think about what else I could do in order to meet my deadline. I was able to plan and have a strategy in place that may work to help me. The difference is it has a less urgent message and I feel more relaxed.
