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I would like to begin this series of post on ‘listening to others’ by talking about how to be present as others share.  In other words being fully available and not wonder off in your mind to what’s for tea, plan the shopping list or pay attention to the feelings triggered in you from what was being shared.

Some people are afraid to listen because they are not sure what to do with what they have heard.  Often what is said will trigger something in them or remind them of someone they know.  It will be tempting at this point to share what your experience was or the story that you have heard that is similar to the one being shared now.  Resist the urge to talk about this, as this could ‘shut down’ the individual sharing. By this I mean they may stop talking and decide to keep things locked in side.  It sends the message that the story shared is not important or your friends story, yours or the one your heard sometime ago is more important.  often this may not be the intended message, nevertheless it could prevent further sharing of thoughts or anything that could be troubling to the individual.  Remember the aim is to be available to others.  perhaps supporting them through a difficult patch where they maybe able to regain their ability to cope.

Is there a ‘right’ way to listen?

I am sure people may employ a range of techniques but a good place to start will be to:

• Listen without commenting
• Convey through eye contact and other non verbal signals that you are hearing and is present. eg. nodding

Being present and available to listen is a wonderful precious gift to give someone.

How do I keep my issues from getting in the way of listening

If you have begun listening to others and feel their story resonates with you and you find yourself thinking more about your issues and not being able to hear the other person, it maybe you need to find support of your own to fully understand and work through your own issues.  Working through your own issues could help you empathise more appropriately with others.  If you are working with people and feel the need to address particular areas of your own life in order to become more available then do so.  you will grow in understanding and empathy, your own awareness will be heightened and this could also be a gift you can give to others.

Next week: Identifying your filters!!!

I have had the opportunity to listen to many individuals throughout my career, in fact I still enjoy that privilege today.  I think of it as a privilege because whenever someone develop enough courage and make the decision to open the contents of their lives to me, I consider that almost a scared trust.

The truth is people need people.  In a previous blog post ‘No man is an island’ I talked about the need for support and the importance of accessing support.  Since that post, I have met many lay persons involved with working with others in many different spheres.  I was both interested and horrified by the attitude of some who had no interest in listening to the problems that people are facing.  However, there are also those who would like to listen but is unsure of the skills involved.  Some battle with cultural and religious opinions about sharing their problems or indeed listening to others talk about their struggles.

I was concerned by this, in working with people we will invariably encounter individuals who are broken and need to talk and who would like someone to listen.  The crucial thing to remember is, whenever someone builds up enough courage to talk they are not necessarily looking for solutions from you, they are needing someone to care enough to listen and thought you might be that person.

I felt encouraged to write a series of blog post on ‘listening to others’.  If you are a brother, sister, friend, a pastoral care worker or involved in ministry and want to learn more about how to listen, subscribe to this blog and look out for the series of post every Wednesday on ‘listening to others’.