Wounds To Scars

Tag: daughter

  • Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    According to the Webster dictionary, abandonment is the act of abandoning something or someone.

    Abandonment in the context of the mother-daughter relationship occurs when a mother physically leaves the child, whether through living in another country or regularly creating physical distance between them. Going often or failing to connect emotionally when present. As you will also see in this blog post, a child can also experience abandonment when the mother fails to advocate for her or chose not to believe her side of the story.

    When a mother experiences abandonment without healing the generational pattern gets passed on to the daughter.

    Types of Abandonment

    Physical abandonment

    Physical abandonment occurs when a mother leaves home. The mother might move to live in another country or another part of the country. There are various reasons why this might happen, such as economic migration, a woman fleeing violence or family structures where extended family care for children enabling the mother to travel for work.

    Due to the mother leaving the daughter may have several painful experiences that she has to suffer alone. She may have to endure puberty along with other physical and biological changes in her bod but have no one to guide her.

    She handles unanswered questions around puberty, periods, and what to expect. Many young women thought they were dying when their period started. Some thought they were ill or bleeding to death. They had so many varied imaginations. Mother figures that are present failed to play the role that a mother should have played. 

    Physical abandonment leaves the daughter with questions and feelings of rejection. These questions are sometimes never answered by the mother, who feels her actions were justified. 

    The reason for leaving is irrelevant. The daughter needs to understand and heal the impact of the loss. She may have an intellectual understanding and is sympathetic to the need that influences the decision; however, the feelings of the wounded child needs to be acknowledged and healed.

    Physical abandonment can also occur when mother though living in the same home fails to bridge the gap that exists between her and her daughter. The distance would have started in childhood and becomes more pronounced as the child grows morphing into emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment is an emotional state that leaves the child feeling alone, rejected and unwanted. This withdrawal might be sudden or a gradual moving away that can create anxiety in the daughter.

    A daughter experiences emotional abandonment when the mother is present but not available. She also gets it from the mother who cannot love and connect due to her experiences of neglect. She may decide to stay; however, breaking the cycle of neglect requires more than a decision to stay.

    The mother who decides to stay also has to knowingly do several things different not to get the outcome of recreating that pattern of abandonment for her children.

    Healing alone eliminate the risk of recreating patterns of abandonment. Living together doesn’t mean the mother; knows how to have conversations about puberty. Sharing physical space doesn’t mean that she knows how to take the daughter into her confidence or indeed to work her relationship with her daughter so that they can have meaningful conversations.

    The mother might not know how to win the daughters heart where she can provide needful guidance about changes in her body. 

    There are several ways that mothers recreate feelings of abandonment.  

    1. When a daughter discloses instances of sexual trauma and the mother chooses to side with the partner, a colleague or family member or immediately dismisses what the daughter says and not listens. Not being believed gives a feeling of aloneness and being invisible because the person who she expected care and love from could not provide what is most needed.

    Sometimes this experience plunge women into many years of self-hate, blame and internalised hatred and anger. The storm of emotions can magnify when culture dictates that the daughter should care for the mother in later life.

    Culture demands loyalty from the daughter or the daughter feels a sense of duty to care for and keeps contact with the mother. Forgiveness is possible; however, healing gives you a chance to work through those feelings safely so that the care you provide comes from a place of love and not duty. Duty can be as toxic and harmful as hate and anger.

    In some instances, the mother demands care as a duty, as service she deserves because of the years of sacrificing. A daughter needs to address and heal from her injuries to prevent this pattern passed down to her daughter.

    2. Feelings of abandonment recreates when the mother regularly retreats to her room gives no explanation, and the children are left to ‘figure’ out what’s wrong. Often in these instances, children take responsibility for what they perceived as the reason mother cannot spend time with them. This blame can last a long time. 

    It also leaves a feeling of unworthiness and not being good enough.

    ยท Lack of quality time can also create feelings of abandonment. It’s in those special times together that a mother and daughter will connect. When there’s a gap, she questions her worth and wonders what needs to change for her to be loved. This pattern of ‘fixing’ her and chasing love can linger into adulthood until the trend is acknowledged and the root healed.

    3. Emotional abandonment can also occur when a mother who is more comfortable with tasking than connecting. Tasking might have a purpose and desired outcome, such as ensuring the daughter has necessary life skills. However, children are not known for their ability to reason and arrive at logical conclusions. Adults would struggle to understand without an explicit explanation.

    The mothers were daughters too, and understanding of her generational patterns can help the daughter understand her mother’s context and what made her the mother that she is today. However, that won’t stop the toxicity.

    Firstly she has to heal.

    Healing

    Though you may intellectually know why your parent left and make a decision to forgive and try to forge a relationship, the wounded child still needs to heal. Without healing, the risk of the intergenerational pattern of abandonment will continue. 

    You may experience psychical abandonment when your parents left, and you had to find ways of dealing with those emotions. Burying, ignoring or intellectualising the pain of neglect won’t heal the hurt. 

    Many counsellors, therapist or other mental health professionals are trained to help you recognise and begin healing. The book by Mark Wolynn ‘It didn’t start with you’ can help you understand the generational cycle and begin to improve.

    If you are looking for ways for you and your mother to Heal Wounds to Scars one day retreat will be a great place to start. Get the details HERE.

  • Can a Mother Hate her Daughter?

    Can a Mother Hate her Daughter?

    For many, the thought of a mother hating her daughter seemed inconceivable, and it’s beyond comprehension that this should even be a conversation. Women are nurturers and caring. However, for a large number of daughters, haven’t received the love and care from their mothers.

    Lack of maternal connection is a reality for many daughters. They’ve had to navigate life while dealing with the negative experiences from their mother. For many years they live with the pain of knowing that their mothers hate them.

    The bible talks about the woman who forgets her suckling child, it says, they can forget’ that means a mother is capable of ignoring, abandoning and rejecting her child. That is difficult to accept, but it is the truth.

    For some daughters, the rejection is subtle. The bitterness is not explicit; it’s not something they can immediately identify. Mother does all the expected things like cooking, cleaning, buying clothes; however; there is a distinct lack of warmth and affection. A child can usually tell whether they are loved or not through the way the mother interacts with them.

    What can happen in the life of a woman that will lead her to hate her daughter? And who’s responsible for fixing or repairing the broken connection?

    In some cultures, daughters are encouraged to forgive and give care to their mothers, especially in the latter stages of life.

    Let’s consider the girl who knew her mother hated her. It’s no inkling, not a feeling, not a thought. She didn’t hear it through the cruelty of the village the gossip.

    Mothers lack of affection is a well-known fact. She has never hidden her feelings, and no one sought to shield the daughter from those harsh truth.

    It is natural for children to try and engage with the person with whom they most want to connect. This lobbying for attention takes many forms. It might be the baby who continually cries or the toddler who learnt how to appease, the teenage rebellion and the young adult who discovered that people-pleasing got the most favourable outcome. All are trying to figure out a way to connect with the mother.

    Jane struggled with depression for many years; however; she didn’t feel free to seek support until her mother died. Her symptoms seemed to magnify at that time, and Jane felt guilty because she couldn’t grieve.

    She could also see her history repeating in the life of her youngest. And she had limited resources to be able to tackle something that seemed to have a life of its own. Jane tried, but it felt like a force beyond her, and she had little skills to combat its impact.

    Somehow history was determined to repeat itself, and as much as she hates the actions, her efforts yield little results.

    She sunk into depression, suicidal thoughts and a lack of zest for life that showed in everything she did.

    It is not unusual for daughters to be unable to process the pain of the relationship when the mother is alive.

    Somehow despite the dysfunction, there is deep-rooted loyalty towards mother. Therefore taking the opportunity to process the impact of the mother-daughter relationship is deeply problematic for a lot of daughters.

    Despite the years of struggle the drugs, overeating and the depression that grew worse daily. Jane was never able to get help to understand her feelings. Nevertheless,
    the combination of old and new grief met in the death of her mom.

    Jane cared for her mother in the final stages of her life. She was the one that lived nearest, and the siblings thought the most reasonable thing for everyone if she took on caring responsibilities. Despite years of being mom’s carer, this did not endear her to mom or improve the relationship.

    The hatred didn’t change, and mom didn’t soften towards her.
    Nothing was good enough.
    She experienced verbal abuse.
    Being told she knew she would never amount to anything.
    Not all mothers are as vocal with their hatred. However, one can hardly hide feelings as strong as hate. It comes out in the tone of voice, inactions, in silences and conversations.

    Hatred shows up in love given or withheld.
    A child will often know when there is no warmth or affection, and when there’s no effort to change.

    Hatred doesn’t have to be spoken to be felt.

    When the child is younger, they may not have a name for what they experience, but they will know the feeling very well.

    Nothing worked to change her mind.

    So when the first boyfriend she had proposed Jane said yes. Marriage provided an escape from the day to day life of living in an environment where she never experienced love and affection.

    She endured many years of painful Christmas, holidays and vacations. Many times she played the dutiful daughter always hoping that this time things will be different, despite these attempts, the hatred didn’t change; nothing she did endear her to her mom.

    The lack of affection and loving attention had a massive impact and on Jane’s self-esteem, triggered depression, and when her mother died, she has left her with a sense of emptiness. Throughout her life instead of love and connection she received No self-worth, no love reflected, no security and with death no chance of working her way into her mother’s affection.

    Daughters must learn that the hatred thrown at them by the mother is not about them.

    A mother lacking self-awareness will inevitably pass her pain on to her daughter

    Willing on the generational pain she receives from her mother.
    Here are three things to consider as you reflect on the relationship with your mother.

    Heal self-hatred
    Know that the difficulties with self-acceptance probably stemmed from the prolonged exposure to hatred from mother’s disgust.

    It is essential to address the root of your lack of self-acceptance. Owning the source of any emotional difficulty can be challenging. Sometimes, it might be necessary to grieve the loss of connection and heal your image of yourself. It is important to note that your mother’s inability to interact and connect with you doesn’t equal your worthiness for connection.

    Connection
    Opportunities for connection is all around. However, you might tell yourself stories of worth and worthiness. You are worthy of safe, authentic relationships.

    Identify safe people, individuals who have shown you care and kindness in the past. Use these memories as an anchor during times when you need contact but are afraid of reaching out. These experiences are also invaluable when you are learning how to accept support and compassion from others.

    Self-blame
    Often the adult daughter will try to connect and build a relationship with the mother. She might entertain thoughts such as; ‘I should do more’ There’s a strong sense of duty that will influence attempts at relationship. When these attempts at connection go, unnoticed or rebuffed feelings of depression and self-hate can resurface.

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