Wounds To Scars

Tag: depression

  • When will the church start talking about mental health and suicide?

    When will the church start talking about mental health and suicide?

    Mental health and the church have never had a good relationship. The breakdown exists because of the people representing the church. The people who feel they hold the oracles of God are often dismissive of individuals who struggle with mental health. The impression is that it is not worthy enough of attention. It’s put the church in an awkward position, and for this to change, they have to become comfortable with talking about mental health and suicide.  

    It’s not a new problem.

    As I research for an episode of my podcast, I asked my husband if he had ever attended any church-related presentation around suicide. According to the Samaritans, men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women.

    He had never attended a workshop or presentation around suicide.

    I grew up in a Christian home, and even those years when I move to the fringes of the church I still attended, and I have never heard anyone talk about suicide. Not even on the token mental health days.

    As I reflected on this need, I saw a post on my facebook feed of another pastor who sadly succumbed to the darkness of depression.

    It is clear that there is a need, yet the church remains silent on an issue that targets the population that they depend on to lead.

    I understand that most in leadership in the church do not understand the root of mental health problems. However, there is also a distinct lack of empathy in the tone and manner of some.  

     I hear it in the tones as they discourage people from seeking counselling. To some, mental health is your fault, possibly caused by a lack of understanding or acceptance of Biblical principles.

    God uses people to help people so that those who are struggling can have hope. The relationship is an integral part of the recovery.

    It is though these loving relationships that demonstrate the care and kindness of God that many will find healing.

    Scattered through the bible are passages where it explicitly states that Jesus came to ‘heal the broken-hearted and bind up their wounds’. Let us as Christians stop ignoring the wounds of those who are suffering. Let us make the church a safe place for people to be ok, saying they are not ok.

    Let us all get trained so that we can spot the person who is moving to the edges or the ones who have erratic mood swings. They are not attention-seeking, and they also need help. Let us not have meetings about them and sideline them when they can’t function in the capacity that we think they should.

    Let us learn how to apply the scriptures appropriately.  

    Learn to walk the distance with the hurting, because, for some, recovery is a long journey.

    Judy (not her real name) was afraid to return to church after a time in psychiatric care because of fear of the reception. She was ashamed of the things she did while ill and so felt fearful of returning.

    Likewise, Sandy was ashamed of how she reacted during a manic stage. She engaged overzealously in servicing, trying to compensate for her actions. She used service to hide the shame and to make up for the things she did that she felt was wrong.

    You can’t always think your way out of depression.

    Whenever I talked to someone about mental health, I get a lot of thinking strategies which are all cognitive tools. Those with depression will tell you; it’s not always because they don’t have useful cognitive tools, they do.  

    Sometimes cognitive tools fail because you can’t ever think your way out of depression.

    Sometimes the person might need some tools around how to apply diet, get help sleeping, and accompany them on walks. Start a walking club at your church that takes people on frequent hikes or weekly walking around your area or to designated destinations. 

    Talk about the merry heart as you walk and be prepared to listen.

    At times of triggers and coping with an overwhelmed sympathetic system; people can’t apply cognitive tools because those functions of the brain are not operating as they should. 

    They need other strategies that will help to soothe the sympathetic system. And get them back to a place where they can listen, hear and apply those scriptures you are sharing.

    A church that is heart centred will be able to see the bigger picture. Additionally, a Christian who is Christ centred will be able to see the bigger picture. They will know that pain is not one dimensional, and people are complicated; therefore, no one strategy will work. 

    Because everyone is different and experience their grief in different ways, consequently, a range of strategy needs to be employed to help the hurting.

    It is not always the person who looks sad or has experienced some traumatic episode that is vulnerable to acting on suicidal thoughts. And it is not only people with depression that commits suicide; people commit suicide for a variety of reasons. 

    Dr Neil Nedleys, depression recovery program, gets a good result and seem to work for a lot of people who experience depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety etc.

    Relevance

    If the church wants to remain relevant in this generation, we have to do something differently. 

    Let’s work as Jesus worked. 

    While on earth, Jesus did a lot more than just teaching in parables. He is the model of care. His attitude towards the hurting is worth studying so that we can start having these critical conversations. When we begin studying His method and work as He works, we will see that we are letting Him down and the people who He came to save. He was loving and kind. He sought the good of the people, and then He said ‘follow me’.

    According to the Samaritans, there were 6859 suicides in the UK alone. That’s a lot of families in confusion trying to renegotiate life without someone they love. 

    Some of these people might be in your church. Is it a place where they can talk about the effects of their loss?

    A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak to a woman who was in the first throes of pain after losing her husband to suicide. Nothing made sense.  

    She was trying to figure things out for her and her children and trying to hear the questions that she can never answer.

    She had a sound support system in the friends that stayed close. These are some of the things the church could do.

    If the church wants to appear caring and represent the loving character of Christ, it needs to start with an aggressive and robust approach to help the hurting.

  • Beth story part 2

    Beth story part 2

    As Beth continued to heal, she knew that part of that journey required connecting with others.

    She delayed this as long as she could, but there was no getting around it, she had to meet with her mother.

    With this realisation came a whirlwind of complex emotions.

    What would she say, how would she begin?

    Hindsight, maturity and healing had enabled her to see her mother in a new light.

    She was no longer angry because she was able to figure out some of what she thinks, maybe her mom’s story.  There’s only one way to know the truth, and it was to speak with her.

    Attachment injuries

    Beth was not close to her mother, for a long time, she considered herself a daddy’s girl.  Until she grew older and realised that to be daddy’s girl means almost hating her mom. 

    Those were turbulent years when it felt like she was competing with her mother for things she could not explain and wouldn’t understand.

    She now knows that her mother could not give her what she never got. 

    When a woman is so focused on how to appease the abuser, she has little emotions to give her children.

    Beth understood that now, but that understanding only came through growth.

    Solving the mother puzzle

    Beth learnt that her mother grew up in a Christian home.

    She was one of three children.  However, she remembered feeling alone and lonely.  As the eldest, she felt overlooked and left out.

    Grandmother was busy, and what little time she had left was given to her younger children.

    Beth learnt that her grandfather didn’t have much of a role in the children’s lives.  He was often away at work or too tired to connect.

    Beth’s mother’s brother molested her and silence was a natural response. 

    No one she knew talked about sexual abuse.  She was sure that her friend had a similar experience, but no one ever talks about sexual violence.

    Mother shared that when she was 15, she experimented with disclosure, she was told not to lie and that what happens in the family stays in the family.

    Uncle still visited, and Beth’s mom was never protected.  She was relieved when it was time to leave for university; this was her chance to escape.

    The similarities in their story were hard to ignore.

    Beth shared her past and talked about the path to healing.  She invited her mother to start her journey.

    Solving the puzzle

    The conversation with the mother was eye-opening, so much became clearer.

    Beth had spent a long time being angry with her mother.  However, healing taught her compassion not only for herself but for others. 

    Compassion enabled her to understand her mother’s actions in the broader context.

    Her ability to give and receive forgiveness was crucial.  She needed to forgive herself for hating her mother. 

    She needed to forgive her mother for not being able to love and connect with her.

    Beth thought of all the wasted years but still, wonder about the here and now.

    Would they be able to forge a relationship?

    Was forgiveness enough to heal, and could they unlearn a lifetime of not communicating and suddenly become friends?

    She would like more than anything to be able to be friends with her mother.

    That would be awesome.

    But she wasn’t naive enough to believe it would be easy.

    Beth had recommitted her life to the Lord and experienced His power to help in these difficult situations, but she was not going to underestimate her mother’s lifetime of shutting down and pretending.

    Mother was from a generation where they do not talk about things.

    Her circle of friends all pretend things are great.

    Would Beth be able to inspire her to change, grow and heal?

    Could their healing relationship be the catalyst for her mother’s transformation?

     She didn’t miss the fact that she and mother only connected over their broken past.

    That realisation had the potential almost to undo a lot of her hard work. She fought hard against the lump that was trying to form in the pit of her stomach. 

    But she learnt to cry when it was needed and released the tears of frustration, anger, sadness and grief. 

    The tears were also partly mourning for what could have been.

    She noticed the sadness, trying to embrace her.

    The darkness was familiar, but Beth had learnt that the only way through the depression is to acknowledge that it was there.  No more self-medicating, no more using unhealthy ways of coping.

    So she permitted herself to sit with the darkness, cry, went for a walk and sat in silence as she considers the what if’s.

    Beth sighed as she eats the last spoon of ice cream.  Happy that tomorrow was Tuesday; her counsellor would help her make sense of it all.

    Letting go to grow

    The long night taught her that understanding and acceptance were not the same.  She had spent a lifetime hating her mom; it was not possible to change after one conversation.

    Though she understood she still has the problems of her unmet needs and what to do with the pain of those.

    There are times when you are required to call on all the coping strategies you know to be able to get through.

    The logjam of emotions was so intense she was sure they could destabilise her.

    Beth used the session with her counsellor to talk and cry and sit in silence.

    Reflection and feedback was a blessing.

    There is nothing more freeing than permission.  Validation gave Beth the freedom to be with the emotions and own them.  That releases the guilt that kept her up most of the night as she battled with her struggles with forgiveness.

    She wanted forgiveness to be swift and complete. Beth thought the conversation with mom would help achieve that.  Instead, consumed with guilt and thoughts of not being good enough, she felt like a failure.  Beth wondered if all Christians struggle.  Should Christians struggle with forgiveness, shouldn’t it be automatic and complete?

    The conversation with the counsellor helped her understand that her feelings were normal.  She was happy to be able to work through them.

    The battle raged and outlived the ice-cream, the movie and the prayer that she eventually forced out just as the sun began to make its way over the hill.

    The memory of the long night and today’s session confirmed one thing.  She had to confront her father.  He was not without fault.  He had to know the part he played in the relationship and love she never got from her mom.

    Beth wondered whether he held the key to mom’s healing.

    Age seemed to have mellowed him, but he has a lot to explain.  She was under no illusion that this would be a simple task.

    She had to find the best strategy and at the right time.  But it had to be done.

    This family had spent years pretending while generational cycles were passing on. 

    The legacy for the next generation must be different

    No ever heals without causing some stir.  Beth was willing to play her part.

    She will mourn, talk, support, validate and do whatever she needed to do to heal.

    Perhaps they could all heal together.

    How about you? Would you like the steps to find the peace and strength Beth discovered? Join our FREE three-day email course to learn the steps. Join the course HERE