I have shared on many occasions the invaluable support that I receive from my husband as I healed from childhood trauma. He was and continues to be amazing. He has never read one book or listens to any teaching on how to support trauma survivors, yet he instinctively knows what to do. I have discovered his secret. I will share more on that later.
Recently something happened that gave me a paradigm shift. As we talked a couple of nights ago, I was unprepared for the direction of the conversation. It was a particularly stressful week, and I was not responsive. My husband has always been patient, gentle and kind but this time he was frustrated. I read it from his deep sigh, and I ‘immediately became defensive, ‘how selfish’ I thought’. With this mindset, I was plunging fast into self-pity. I was about to share how I felt about his supposedly uncaring attitude when he said.
Sometimes I wonder if I remind you of him, There was a long pause as those words took effect. I heard, ‘do you confuse me with your abuser?’
Astonished by his honesty and the note of sad desperation in his tone I searched for the right words to say.
I assured him that he doesn’t, but sometimes the brain struggles to differentiate between touch. In these times I use self-talk and mindfulness to help bring me back to the present and stay in the here and now. We had an honest conversation that highlighted many crucial points that are salient to healing from the trauma
- I was so self-absorbed in my pain focus on my healing and helping others heal that I had neglected to think about the impact of my pain on him. This discussion challenged me to consider not only my recovery but also think more about the effect of the trauma on my husband? My soon to be released course addressing the impact of sexual abuse on marriage will have more in-depth information because of this discovery?
- Be prepared to answer questions when they arise. If it is safe, share as openly and honestly as you are able.
- I must be prepared to listen to the Holy Spirit. He gave my husband the tools to successfully walk beside me, supporting me, listening when I need to talk and holding me when I need to cry. He is also able to help me to be empathic to his fears.
Strategies that will help you.
- Pay attention to not only your needs but that of your spouse or people around you.
- Be prepared to keep learning and growing; you will receive new information about your recovery at different times.
- Your Needs are legitimate avoiding them or fearing to share them will not help your partner help you.
- Listen as they share the impact on them. However, you may not be able to fix this, resist the urge to try. If your supporters need someone to talk to or would like a deeper understanding of trauma, assist them to find a therapist, a good course or a group that will help them to support you appropriately
Three ways trauma affects intimacy
- Trauma can hamper communication or enhance it. The outcome depends on how difficult subjects are handled. If you lack the tools to communicate your needs effectively my webinar on Sunday will give you some useful help. You can sign up for that HERE
- Trauma can impede intimacy
- Your partner may have questions that you might not be able to answer, assist them in sourcing appropriate resources.