When we were getting married my husband said I do not want you to look after me, I am not your sisters. I was surprised by his bluntness. I had made a decision not to do “mamma”, but he had seen something in me that I couldn’t see. And the decision made in in my head did not translate into my actions.
Co-dependency is defined as an emotional or psychological reliance on someone.
In a co-dependent relationship, they need you, and you need them to need you.
My sisters needed me, and I needed them to need me. He saw that and decided he did not want it; nevertheless, we spent the better part of the first seven years of our marriage trying to figure out what emotional dependency looks like whether we wanted it and was it healthy. Throughout that time I battled co-dependency, it was like living with a chronic condition. When I finally severed the links, it was painful for both of us.
We both had to learn how to support, appreciate and love each other in a different way. It helped when I recognised the root of my dysfunction and linked it to childhood abuse, where the need for assurance was constant but unfulfilled. Nothing outside of me could meet that need; I had to learn to love myself before I could comfortably allow someone to love me,
You are responsible for your needs
I am getting used to the look of surprise whenever I explain this to clients. Meeting our needs is a concept they have never thought of before. To a large extent, we are socialised to believe that others are responsible for our needs. Our partners, parents or significant others should know intuitively of our need for affection, comfort or security. However, taking control of this process means that we stay in touch with us and learn how to articulate our deep desires to those around us.
Vulnerability
Sharing our hopes with others requires vulnerability. There is some degree of exposure necessary to articulate to others our need for comfort. Saying I am feeling sad or lonely and I could do with a hug takes courage. However, when you allow yourself the permission to heal and grow identify and getting support to meet your needs will be automatic.
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