Taking control of negative automatic thoughts is essential for cultivating a peaceful life. In this blog, I will offer insights on progressing beyond simply managing negative thoughts to truly mastering them. The aim is to equip you with strategies so that whenever these thoughts arise, you are prepared to handle them effectively. There is no need to panic or become overwhelmed. Instead, you can respond with intention and composure, maintaining your sense of control and emotional balance.
Facing the Battle With Fear
Today’s focus is on the battle with fear. Fear has a debilitating impact. Whether I write about fear, read about it, or listen to others speak about their experiences, one thing remains clear: fear holds us back from so much in life.
Take a moment to reflect honestly:
- How has fear impeded your personal growth?
- How has fear slowed your progress?
- How has fear stopped you from achieving your goals?
This reflection is not limited to professional life. You may be thriving in your career, but what about your personal relationships?
- Has fear prevented you from pursuing the relationship you truly desire?
- Has fear kept you from connecting with others in meaningful ways?
- Has fear silenced you in meetings, even when you have valuable insights to share, as doubt whispers, “Would anyone even want to listen to me?”
- Has fear stopped you from setting boundaries that protect your wellbeing and communicate how you wish to be treated?
- Has fear kept you awake at night, worrying about the next bill, phone call, message, or what others might say on social media?
If any of these resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Fear may do all these things, but it does not have to control your life.
Feeling Your Way Through Fear
What I want you to begin learning is how to feel your way through fear. Before you tense up, take a moment to breathe.
The truth is, you may be standing at the threshold of something new and transformative in your life. Yet, fear whispers: “Not yet. Maybe later. I can’t say that. Nobody listens to me.” Fear feeds us these messages. Our aim is not to eliminate fear forever—because fear will always appear at times however, you can learn how to move through it, rather than being ruled by it.
A Practical Exercise
This is an exercise that you can do to help master the feelings of fear.
Think about the thing that makes you most afraid. What is the one thing you know you need to do, but have been avoiding?
- Talking to your boss?
- Having an honest conversation with a colleague?
- Setting boundaries with your spouse, children, or friends?
- Asking for a promotion or applying for a job?
- Opening a letter? Making a phone call?
Hold that situation in your mind. Now, imagine yourself doing it. On a scale of 0 to 10, how intense does your fear feel? Is it a 7, 8, 9, or even a 10?
Now consider this: doing this one thing is crucial, necessary, and potentially life-changing. It could shift your relationships, circumstances, and future. Close your eyes again and imagine yourself taking that action.
Watching Your Thoughts Instead of Believing Them
Let’s use making a phone call as an example. Perhaps you’ve been avoiding it because of who the person is, or who you believe them to be. Here’s a challenge: do not let your perception of them stop you from doing what is necessary.
Imagine yourself picking up the phone, dialing the number, and it begins to ring. Notice your heart rate. What thoughts are racing through your mind?
- What if they shout?
- What if I don’t know what to say?
- What if this goes badly?
Your palms may be sweaty, and your heart pounding. You might want to hang up. But do not. Stay with the moment.
The key is not to engage with these thoughts. Just notice them. Imagine your thoughts as words moving across a computer screen. Observe their shape, size, and font, but do not interact with them, argue, or assign meaning to them. Simply watch them pass.
The phone continues to ring. They answer. Breathe. You say hello and explain why you are calling. Something unexpected happens they do not react aggressively. There is no anger or sarcasm—none of what you feared.
You say goodbye and hang up. How do you feel now? Perhaps your fear is now a 3. You experience relief and a realisation: you were afraid, but you did it. And it was not what you expected.
Confidence Grows With Practice
This same process applies to difficult conversations, job applications, presentations—anything fear urges you to avoid. When speaking with someone, share from your own perspective: “I feel hurt when…” or “I feel offended when…”. This approach reduces defensiveness and fosters connection, rather than conflict.
Remember, fear does not stem from the action itself, but from the narrative you tell yourself about the action. When these thoughts appear, simply watch them and let them pass without engaging.
As you practise feeling your way through fear, something remarkable occurs. Your confidence grows. The first attempt feels daunting. The second is easier. Soon, it becomes energising. You find yourself taking actions you once avoided—making the call, having the conversation, stepping into opportunities—and you begin to shine in ways you always wanted, but once feared.