Wounds To Scars

Category: Listening

  • Managing Negative Feelings

    Managing Negative Feelings

    Many people struggle with managing negative feelings, but it is important to remember that you do not have to continue struggling—help is available. Often, the most effective solutions are also the simplest ones. When you consistently put these simple solutions into practice, you will notice positive changes in your emotional well-being almost immediately.

    Negative feelings often begin with negative thoughts. Dwelling on these thoughts can have a significant impact on your emotions, leading to a cycle where your feelings become increasingly negative. For example, during the process of recording a 21-day overcoming negative thoughts bootcamp, I completed all 21 days and was ready to upload the content, only to discover that everything had disappeared, and I had to start over. In such moments, it is easy to become stressed, tense, and frustrated. However, instead of allowing myself to spiral into frustration, self-blame, or self-criticism, I chose to approach the situation differently. I considered what lessons I could learn from the experience and how I could prevent it from sending me into a negative space.

    One of the most effective ways to manage, harness, and even eliminate negative feelings is to avoid dwelling on negative thoughts. When you focus on what is negative, it will inevitably affect how you feel. So, how can you break this cycle and avoid being overwhelmed by negative situations?

    Three Key Steps to Manage Negative Feelings

    There are three important things to keep in mind when you are faced with adversity. Practising these steps, even in the most trying circumstances, can help you avoid negative reactions and feelings:

    1. Focus on what Is true: When you find yourself in a stressful or upsetting situation, pause and reflect. This is known as ‘reflecting on action’—taking a moment, even in the midst of difficulty, to consider the reality of the situation. Ask yourself: Is this true? Not only should you consider whether the circumstance itself is true, but also whether the story you are telling yourself about it is accurate. Are you attaching assumptions or interpretations that may not be factual?

    In certain situations, it may feel as though there are no clear answers or solutions available. During these moments of uncertainty and crisis, the one truth we can hold onto is the assurance that God is with us. Turning toward Him, especially in times of trouble, can provide comfort and support. As Psalms 46:1 reminds us, “He will be a present help in trouble.” When everything else feels uncertain, relying on this promise can bring peace and the strength to persevere through adversity.

    1. Be honest with yourself: Once you have questioned the truth of the situation, ask yourself: Am I being honest? Sometimes the narratives we create are not entirely honest or fair to ourselves. Consider whether your thoughts and interpretations are grounded in reality or if you are generalising, mind-reading, or making assumptions.
    2. Check for Purity in Your Thoughts: Finally, ask yourself: Are my thoughts pure? Reflect on whether your thoughts are kind, fair, and a true reflection of who you are or what the situation really is. Sometimes our thoughts about ourselves can be harsh or unkind, which only serves to reinforce negative feelings.

    By honestly assessing the stories you tell yourself and considering both their disadvantages and potential benefits, you can begin to reframe your thoughts. Ask yourself how you might benefit from telling yourself a different, more truthful story. This approach can help you respond with greater calm and clarity, even in stressful or anger-inducing situations.

    As you practise these steps, you may notice your anger and frustration diminishing, and you might find yourself experiencing a new sense of peace and calm. Remember, this change requires practice, but even in the most stressful circumstances, you have the power to shift your perspective and transform your emotional response.

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  • I Love My Mother, But I Don’t Like Her: Navigating the Complexities of a Narcissistic Parent-Child Relationship

    I Love My Mother, But I Don’t Like Her: Navigating the Complexities of a Narcissistic Parent-Child Relationship

    Loving someone doesn’t always mean liking them, especially when the person in question is your mother. For many Christian women, the relationship with their mother is one fraught with complexities, mainly when the mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies. The mother’s wound is challenging to address, often shrouded in guilt, shame, and societal expectations. However, acknowledging the reality of your relationship is the first step toward healing.

    Acknowledging the Hurt: The Journey to Honest Love

    The journey to applying the principle of loving your mother begins with acknowledging the pain she has caused. It’s not easy to admit that someone who is supposed to be a source of unconditional love and support has also been a source of deep hurt. Yet, this acknowledgement is crucial. It allows you to see your mother as a parent and someone with flaws, limitations, and perhaps even unhealed wounds.

    This journey helps you establish boundaries where necessary. Healing helps you apply love as a principle while protecting yourself from someone who may not have changed or even acknowledged the harm they’ve done to you.

    Accepting who your mother is as a person and who she was as a parent is a significant step. It involves coming to terms with the fact that your mother, like all humans, is imperfect. But for those who grew up with narcissistic mothers, this imperfection often comes with a heavy toll.

    Narcissistic mothers can be emotionally manipulative, self-centred, and dismissive of their children’s needs. They may have used guilt, shame, or even scripture to maintain control, leaving their children feeling inadequate, unloved, and confused.

    Honouring the Wounded Child: The Work of Healing

    As you navigate this journey, you must honour the wounded child within you. This healing means acknowledging the pain and confusion that you experienced as a child and validating those feelings. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. These emotions are part of the healing process and must be addressed, not buried.

    Healing also involves reparenting yourself—taking on the role of the nurturing, supportive parent you may not have had. Reparenting can include setting healthy boundaries, practising self-compassion, and seeking loving and supportive relationships. By doing this, you create a safe space for yourself to heal and grow, free from the toxic patterns that may have dominated your relationship with your mother.

    The Impact on Self-Worth: How Unresolved Hurt Shapes Your Life

    One of the most insidious effects of a problematic relationship with a narcissistic mother is the impact it can have on your self-worth. When the person who is supposed to love and cherish you uses manipulation and control, internalising those negative messages is easy. Without acknowledging the hurt and the reasons behind your dislike for your mother, you may find yourself internalising these feelings, leading to self-hatred and low self-esteem.

    This self-hatred can manifest in various ways—through destructive behaviours, negative self-talk, or an inability to trust yourself or others. It can impact every relationship you have, but perhaps most significantly, it affects how you see yourself. Separating your mother’s behaviour from your sense of self-worth is crucial. You are not the sum of her criticisms; her approval or disapproval does not determine your value.

    Religion: A Help and a Hindrance

    For Christian women, the Bible often plays a significant role in understanding their relationship with their mother. However, how they teach passages around obedience can be both a help and a hindrance. Verses like “Children obey your parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1) are often used by Christian parents to guilt their children into compliance, keeping them in line through fear rather than fostering a genuine love for God and a desire to obey Him.

    The problem is not with the verse but how narcissistic parents misused it. Many Christian women who are healing from these experiences know all too well how Their mothers often twist scriptures to justify harm, insult, and control. They were used as tools to shame and manipulate rather than to nurture and guide.

    Part of the healing process involves untangling these harmful interpretations of scripture and learning to understand the Bible in its proper context. This process, known as exegesis, consists of looking at what the verses truly say, considering the context in which they were written, and not simply applying them in ways that suit our desires or reinforce harmful patterns.

    It’s important to remember that the Bible is a book that offers freedom, not bondage. God is fair and just, and he gave his word to guide us toward an abundant life with healthy relationships.

    People who use Ephesians 6:2 as a tool to hurt often overlook verse 4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). A truly God-fearing parent will understand the importance of this balance—nurturing their children in a way that reflects God’s character.

    Culture and Control: The Double Bind of Cultural Norms

    For those raised in a culture of control, where both cultural norms and harmful religious teachings reinforce obedience and submission, the struggle is even more profound. Words have power, and the impact can be devastating when used to control and harm. Cultural expectations can further complicate the relationship, making it difficult to challenge or even acknowledge the toxic dynamics at play.

    In many cultures, respect for one’s parents is paramount, and questioning or criticising them is seen as deeply disrespectful. This cultural pressure can make it even harder for women to admit the reality of their relationship with their mothers and to seek the healing they need. But healing requires honesty, which means being honest with yourself about how your mother used cultural and religious teachings to keep you in a place of hurt.

    The Path to Healing: Embracing Honesty and Freedom

    Healing from the wounds inflicted by a narcissistic mother is not a linear process. It requires time, patience, and a commitment to self-compassion. But most importantly, it requires honesty—honesty with yourself about your feelings, your experiences, and the impact they have had on your life.

    This honesty allows you to see the relationship for what it truly is, free from the guilt, shame, and confusion that may have clouded your understanding. It will enable you to hold space for both the love and the hurt, acknowledging that while you may love your mother, you do not have to like her actions or allow them to define you.

    Your faith can be both a source of comfort and a guide during this process. When understood correctly, the Bible offers a path to freedom, not bondage. It teaches us to love and be wise, discerning, and just. God’s love for you is not dependent on your relationship with your mother, and His desire is for you to live a life of wholeness and peace.

    As you embark on this healing journey, know you are not alone. Many women have walked this path before you and have found healing and freedom on the other side. By honouring the wounded child within you, reparenting yourself with love and compassion, and seeking out healthy, supportive relationships, you can break free from the toxic patterns of the past and step into a future defined by self-love, peace, and true freedom in Christ.

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  • Living as an Empath: Avoiding Burnout and Steps to Recovery

    Living as an Empath: Avoiding Burnout and Steps to Recovery

    Living as an empath can be both a gift and a burden. Empaths have an extraordinary ability to connect with others, often feeling the emotions and energies of those around them as if they were their own. This deep sensitivity allows empaths to provide profound support to those in need but also puts them at a high risk of burnout. Burnout can be devastating, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. However, with intentional strategies, empaths can avoid burnout or recover if it does occur.

    Recognizing the Signs of Burnout

    Before discussing prevention and recovery, it’s essential to recognize the signs of burnout. Burnout manifests as chronic fatigue, a lack of enthusiasm for work or daily activities, irritability, and a general sense of hopelessness. For empaths, this might also include feeling overwhelmed by the emotions of others, a sense of detachment, or physical symptoms triggered by stress, such as headaches, digestive issues, or a weakened immune system. Ignoring these signs can lead to more severe health problems, as I discovered firsthand.

    My Experience with Burnout

    For years, I worked with individuals who had experienced severe trauma. I took pride in separating my work life from my personal life. After handling intense, emotional cases, I would return home, cook dinner, play with my children, and carry on as if the day’s work hadn’t affected me. I believed my ability to compartmentalise was a strength, but in reality, the stress was silently accumulating in my body.

    Stress doesn’t need an invitation to wreak havoc on your health. After years of ignoring the toll my work was taking on me, I became extremely ill. For months, I was too unwell to work. It was during this time of forced rest that I had a revelation: my illness was not just physical but was also a result of the emotional burden I had been carrying. I realized 2024 needed a year of physical, emotional, and spiritual healing.

    Establishing Boundaries

    One of the first steps I took in my healing journey was establishing firm boundaries. I began by controlling when and how I interacted with others. I stopped answering my phone indiscriminately and declined all speaking engagements until summer. The time helped me pace myself and be more prayerful about my accepted commitments.

    Setting boundaries with myself was even more challenging. I am passionate about helping people, and I want the message of healing to reach as many individuals as possible. However, I had to confront my limitations. While recovering, I leaned into my strengths, mainly teaching. By focusing on leaders, I could disseminate my message more effectively, reaching far more people than I could on my own. This shift in perspective required me to let go of limiting beliefs and the need to be everything to everyone—a trait rooted in people-pleasing and connected to my self-worth.

    Seeking Help

    Another crucial step in my recovery was seeking help. I began working with a naturopath, initially sceptical of the necessity but soon recognized the value of having someone to discuss my physical and emotional health with. In our early sessions, she pointed out how the emotional absorption from my work could be harming me—something I had never fully considered.

    Empathic listeners like myself often absorb emotions and information without considering the toll they take on us. My naturopath highlighted that my body was reacting to stress as it would to any toxin. Despite my healthy lifestyle of avoiding sugar, meat, fried food, and dairy, stress was having just as significant an impact on my health as any harmful substance would. This insight was transformative, helping me see the importance of addressing not just my physical health but also my emotional well-being.

    Wholehearted Living as an Empath

    You are living wholeheartedly as an empath, committing to consistent self-care. Self-care includes making regular medical appointments, following up on test results, and taking time to rest. Listening to your body and responding to its needs is crucial before problems escalate. If you feel unwell, seek help early, ask questions, and be proactive in your care.

    Another vital aspect of self-care is curating a supportive circle of considerate and kind friends. Surround yourself with people who understand your sensitivity and respect your boundaries. This support network can buffer against the emotional overwhelm often accompanying empathic living.

    Moving Forward

    As I continue my healing journey, I understand that being an empath is both a gift and a responsibility. The empath must recognize early signs of burnout and act quickly to establish firm boundaries, seek help, and practice consistent self-care. For those who have already reached the point of burnout, recovery is possible with these steps. By nurturing ourselves as empaths, we can continue to serve others from a place of strength and balance.

  • Loving Requires Vulnerability

    Loving Requires Vulnerability

    When we’ve been hurt we struggle with a couple of areas. Some of those areas are crucial to the health of any relationship. However, the damage sustained in early life can hinder growth.

    Trust, vulnerability and communication are important components of any healthy relationship.

    Trust
    If you have never experienced the world as a safe place, it impacts your ability to trust. We learn to trust others by experiencing people as reliable. Honesty is essential in the survival of any relationship. However, trust needs time to build. If you notice that you struggle to let others in, give yourself time to heal the broken trust and patiently seek to rebuild.
    It is important to note that having safe boundaries is a part of building trust. Permit yourself to do whatever it takes to feel safe again.

    Vulnerability
     Vulnerability grows as we permit ourselves to share parts of us with others. For example, there is some degree of exposure necessary to articulate to others our need for comfort. Expressing an emotion or asking for a need to be met takes courage. However, when you allow yourself to heal and grow sharing your need will become more comfortable.

    Listening
     Listening creates a dialogue where the other person will also have the opportunity to speak. Listening gives insight into thought processes and provides information that will be vital to the building of safe relationships.