Loving someone doesn’t always mean liking them, especially when the person in question is your mother. For many Christian women, the relationship with their mother is one fraught with complexities, mainly when the mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies. The mother’s wound is challenging to address, often shrouded in guilt, shame, and societal expectations. However, acknowledging the reality of your relationship is the first step toward healing.
Acknowledging the Hurt: The Journey to Honest Love
The journey to applying the principle of loving your mother begins with acknowledging the pain she has caused. It’s not easy to admit that someone who is supposed to be a source of unconditional love and support has also been a source of deep hurt. Yet, this acknowledgement is crucial. It allows you to see your mother as a parent and someone with flaws, limitations, and perhaps even unhealed wounds.
This journey helps you establish boundaries where necessary. Healing helps you apply love as a principle while protecting yourself from someone who may not have changed or even acknowledged the harm they’ve done to you.
Accepting who your mother is as a person and who she was as a parent is a significant step. It involves coming to terms with the fact that your mother, like all humans, is imperfect. But for those who grew up with narcissistic mothers, this imperfection often comes with a heavy toll.
Narcissistic mothers can be emotionally manipulative, self-centred, and dismissive of their children’s needs. They may have used guilt, shame, or even scripture to maintain control, leaving their children feeling inadequate, unloved, and confused.
Honouring the Wounded Child: The Work of Healing
As you navigate this journey, you must honour the wounded child within you. This healing means acknowledging the pain and confusion that you experienced as a child and validating those feelings. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. These emotions are part of the healing process and must be addressed, not buried.
Healing also involves reparenting yourself—taking on the role of the nurturing, supportive parent you may not have had. Reparenting can include setting healthy boundaries, practising self-compassion, and seeking loving and supportive relationships. By doing this, you create a safe space for yourself to heal and grow, free from the toxic patterns that may have dominated your relationship with your mother.
The Impact on Self-Worth: How Unresolved Hurt Shapes Your Life
One of the most insidious effects of a problematic relationship with a narcissistic mother is the impact it can have on your self-worth. When the person who is supposed to love and cherish you uses manipulation and control, internalising those negative messages is easy. Without acknowledging the hurt and the reasons behind your dislike for your mother, you may find yourself internalising these feelings, leading to self-hatred and low self-esteem.
This self-hatred can manifest in various ways—through destructive behaviours, negative self-talk, or an inability to trust yourself or others. It can impact every relationship you have, but perhaps most significantly, it affects how you see yourself. Separating your mother’s behaviour from your sense of self-worth is crucial. You are not the sum of her criticisms; her approval or disapproval does not determine your value.
Religion: A Help and a Hindrance
For Christian women, the Bible often plays a significant role in understanding their relationship with their mother. However, how they teach passages around obedience can be both a help and a hindrance. Verses like “Children obey your parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1) are often used by Christian parents to guilt their children into compliance, keeping them in line through fear rather than fostering a genuine love for God and a desire to obey Him.
The problem is not with the verse but how narcissistic parents misused it. Many Christian women who are healing from these experiences know all too well how Their mothers often twist scriptures to justify harm, insult, and control. They were used as tools to shame and manipulate rather than to nurture and guide.
Part of the healing process involves untangling these harmful interpretations of scripture and learning to understand the Bible in its proper context. This process, known as exegesis, consists of looking at what the verses truly say, considering the context in which they were written, and not simply applying them in ways that suit our desires or reinforce harmful patterns.
It’s important to remember that the Bible is a book that offers freedom, not bondage. God is fair and just, and he gave his word to guide us toward an abundant life with healthy relationships.
People who use Ephesians 6:2 as a tool to hurt often overlook verse 4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). A truly God-fearing parent will understand the importance of this balance—nurturing their children in a way that reflects God’s character.
Culture and Control: The Double Bind of Cultural Norms
For those raised in a culture of control, where both cultural norms and harmful religious teachings reinforce obedience and submission, the struggle is even more profound. Words have power, and the impact can be devastating when used to control and harm. Cultural expectations can further complicate the relationship, making it difficult to challenge or even acknowledge the toxic dynamics at play.
In many cultures, respect for one’s parents is paramount, and questioning or criticising them is seen as deeply disrespectful. This cultural pressure can make it even harder for women to admit the reality of their relationship with their mothers and to seek the healing they need. But healing requires honesty, which means being honest with yourself about how your mother used cultural and religious teachings to keep you in a place of hurt.
The Path to Healing: Embracing Honesty and Freedom
Healing from the wounds inflicted by a narcissistic mother is not a linear process. It requires time, patience, and a commitment to self-compassion. But most importantly, it requires honesty—honesty with yourself about your feelings, your experiences, and the impact they have had on your life.
This honesty allows you to see the relationship for what it truly is, free from the guilt, shame, and confusion that may have clouded your understanding. It will enable you to hold space for both the love and the hurt, acknowledging that while you may love your mother, you do not have to like her actions or allow them to define you.
Your faith can be both a source of comfort and a guide during this process. When understood correctly, the Bible offers a path to freedom, not bondage. It teaches us to love and be wise, discerning, and just. God’s love for you is not dependent on your relationship with your mother, and His desire is for you to live a life of wholeness and peace.
As you embark on this healing journey, know you are not alone. Many women have walked this path before you and have found healing and freedom on the other side. By honouring the wounded child within you, reparenting yourself with love and compassion, and seeking out healthy, supportive relationships, you can break free from the toxic patterns of the past and step into a future defined by self-love, peace, and true freedom in Christ.
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