The conversation continues with Darien Marie Barnaby-Toussaint author of ‘A Journey of Faith Disappointments and Healing’
Joanna: What kept you through that? Especially believing that He did not keep His side of the bargain.
Darien: Well as I mentioned in my book, it was the memorial. I needed closure and healing and God impressed me to do a memorial. When I told others what I intended they thought I was crazy. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and did not even know the sex of the baby. However, when God tells me to do something that’s enough. I went ahead and planned the service. I had a program and we did it as a well-planned service, during that time that I received my healing, that was closure for me. If you have suffered a miscarriage and want to do something like a memorial do not let anyone tell you not to. The following Sabbath I went to church and for the first time, I could truly praise God.
Joanna: Would be safe to say that the relationship you established with God early in your Christian walk was activated at this crucial time. Therefore, though you were mad at God, when He gave an instruction you did not need an explanation you went ahead and did and the closure followed.
Darien: yes
Joanna: The connection that you and God had saw you through?
Darian: Yes
Joanna: Awesome, you said in your book, ‘I thought I would lose my mind but no one knew what I was going through I disguised it so well’ this is another interesting point in chrisitan circles we wear mask so well. Pain is in church but we cant see it because everybody is dressed up. If no one knew what was happening how did you get support?
Darien: Honestly each time someone spoke about it, it would hit me really hard but I covered it. So I just walked around with a brave face for everyone to think I was fine, just so they would not ask about it. I did not want to discuss it but deep inside I was hurting.
Joanna: I understand, following my miscarriage I banned everyone from saying ‘all things work together for good’. I know it’s a favourite verse people quote perhaps when they do not know what else to say.
Darien: Yes, one of the things that really stood out in my mind when we had the memorial was the friend who did the main address, he and his wife had also lost two babies, one as a miscarriage and the other two weeks after birth and he basically was able to thank God because He knows the end from the beginning and knows who those children would have been. As I listened I said may be this was the child that would have brought me some heartache, maybe be they would be very sick and I would not have been able to cope. At that point I was able to say, Lord, I thank you because He does not do anything to hurt us. Whatever He does is for a reason and a purpose, we cannot see what He see’s. That gave me some peace and I told myself when I get to heaven I look forward to meeting my baby.
Joanna: As you said throughout your book ‘God’s purposes we cannot see but all is well that is done by Him’ this gave you the strength to let go the anger and vexation and still while in your place of pain you were able to say thank you.
Darien: Yes
Joanna: I am also hearing you encouraging people that closure is an important part of healing. I am going to add that closure is important not just for a miscarriage but for any loss or trauma that people have experienced.
Darien: yes
Joanna: Though you were angry with God, there seem to be something of a special relationship with Him that enabled you to get through. I wanted to ask how much of that do you attribute to a praying husband and people around you that were praying.
Darien: I would say all of it, it is important to know God during the calm of life so that when the storm comes even though you maybe tossed back and forth you will learn to trust Him.
Joanna: It is important to trust. I want to ask a question specific to pain, you said ‘healing happen only as you accepted God as all wise’ when did you come to realise that He loves you and that you could trust Him with your pain.
Darien: He told me everything would be ok and I believed. Its as if He said ok Darien I know it hurts really badly but I am going to work it out and someday you will hold a child in your hands just trust me. and in December, my miracle happened.
Joanna: I noted that having your miracle took a series of extraordinary events; God said you were pregnant and though the test showed negative you believed what He said in place of what you could see with your eyes. That took real faith.
Darien: What reaction did you get from your husband when you told him the news?
Darien: He thought I was sleeping, but I wasn’t, I think the police man in him wanted evidence but I told him that the Lord told me and it will take faith on both our parts so I he better believe.
Joanna: You not only believe You also went ahead and opened an investment account for the child which you doubled when the test finally proved positive.
Darien: Yes I had to trust God.
Joanna: Speaking of your new pregnancy, ‘you also said some days were almost unbreable but God kept you sane’ and you held on to that hope that God gave you that night.
Darien: Yes definitely every time I felt the pain I remembered His words ‘Darien you are pregnant it is going to be difficult but the baby is going to be ok.’ Those were the words I rehearsed.
Joanna: God also showed you in a dream that you would need the ambulance and you got your husband to sort out the necessary papers and that also proved helpful at the last minute to transport you to Hospital.
Darien: We serve a God who is interested in every area of our lives.
Joanna: This book has really stirred my faith, when I saw the extradinoary ways in which He came through for you I am encouraged to keep believing. Also when your baby was born and they found what they thought were cancer cells. You said ‘ I remembered what God told me, it is going to be hard but trust me’
Darien: That’s it.
Joanna: You said ‘I boared the boat with mixed feelings but I know God was in control no matter what the outcome’
Darien: Yes
Joanna: when I read that I sensed a peace. Though you did not know what you were going to hear, it felt like at that point you handed the outcome over to God and you were at peace.
Darien: Exactly.
Joanna: It is an awesome book I encourage people to read it, it will strengthen their faith when they can see what God did for one woman who allowed Him to. Thank you for sharing your extradionay journey with us and I pray that God will give you more extradionay journies so that you can encourage people in their walk.
Darien: You are welcome.
Joanna: Thank you for taking the time this morning.
this concludes our interview with Darien Marie Barnaby-Toussaint author of ‘A Journey of Faith Disappointments and Healing’ the book is available via Amazon.