When someone bravely shares their experience of abuse, it’s a moment that requires immense care and understanding. Too often, in settings meant to be safe havens, survivors of abuse face further pain and confusion when they disclose what has happened to them. The way the church handles disclosures can leave survivors feeling unheard, disbelieved, and even more isolated.
This guide is for anyone who may encounter such a disclosure, whether you are a survivor struggling to speak out, a leader unsure of how to respond, or a member seeking to help. The church community plays a crucial role in providing clear, compassionate steps to ensure survivors are protected and supported, rather than re-victimised. It’s a responsibility we all share.
Understanding the Impact of Abuse Disclosure
When a person discloses abuse, they are often at their most vulnerable. The way their story is received can have a profound impact on their healing journey. Unfortunately, a typical response is inaction or mishandling, which can lead to significant harm.
This harm can manifest as the survivor losing their position within the community or having their leadership roles removed. These actions, often stemming from uncertainty about how to proceed, inadvertently victimise the survivor further. It’s crucial to recognise that believing and supporting the survivor is paramount.
Familiarity with the patterns of abuse, such as gaslighting, is essential. Gaslighting involves making someone doubt their own reality, memory, or perception, often through denial or distortion. Recognising these tactics helps in discerning the truth of a survivor’s account.
The Core Principles of Supporting a Survivor
When a woman discloses abuse, the immediate and most important actions are clear: listen, direct her to support, and safeguard her. These three steps form the foundation of a supportive response.
1. Listen: Offer a non-judgmental ear. Let the survivor share their story at their own pace without interruption or questioning their experience. This act of listening is a powerful way to show empathy and understanding.
2. Direct to Support: Connect the survivor with professional resources. This resource list could include counsellors, support groups, or organisations specialising in abuse recovery.
3. Safeguard Her: This involves actively protecting the survivor from further harm. This might mean taking steps to ensure the abuser cannot access or harm the survivor within the community.
Safeguarding can be challenging. It may require confronting someone you know well or someone who makes a significant contribution to the community. It could even mean asking the person who has caused harm to attend a different place of worship temporarily or permanently to ensure the survivor’s safety.
Prioritising People Over Institutions
A common yet harmful tendency is to prioritise the preservation of institutions, such as marriage or community structure, over the well-being of individuals. This perspective can lead to decisions that inadvertently harm survivors.
God created people in His image; the institution itself is not the primary focus of divine care. People, not institutions, are what truly matter. When abuse occurs, the safety and healing of the individual must come before any concern for maintaining appearances or structures. This principle should guide our actions, reassuring us that we are on the right path.
Do not ask the survivor if they want to worship elsewhere. This request, as well as being insensitive, places an unfair burden on survivors and can be a form of spiritual abuse. The responsibility for creating a safe environment rests with the community leaders, not the survivor.
What NOT to Do When Abuse is Disclosed
Specific responses can inflict further wounds on a survivor. It is vital to avoid these actions:
* Do not ask the survivor what they did to contribute to the abuse. Abuse is never the fault of the victim.
* Do not minimise their experience by saying things like “just forgive,” “he’s a nice guy,” or misinterpreting scripture to discourage separation or support.
* Do not force victims to step down from their positions, stop their ministry, or prevent them from serving. This is a form of re-victimisation.
I’ve heard many examples where leaders try to force survivors to “just forgive” and that the perpetrator was a “nice man.” This response ignored the reality of the abuse and placed the burden of reconciliation on the victim, causing immense pain.
Practical Steps for a Supportive Response
When a disclosure of abuse occurs, here’s a clear action plan:
1. Listen with Empathy: Hear the survivor’s story without judgment. Validate their feelings and experiences.
2. Ensure Safety (Safeguard):
* Protect the survivor’s personal information, including their location.
* If necessary, ensure the person who caused harm cannot be in the same vicinity as the survivor.
* This might mean the perpetrator needs to attend a different church or community.
3. Connect to Professional Help: Refer the survivor to qualified counsellors, therapists, or specialised support organisations.
4. Assess Your Capacity: If you do not have the training, understanding, or emotional capacity to help, it is okay to admit it.
* Honest Admission: Say, “I hear you, and I’m so sorry you went through this. I don’t have the resources to help you properly, but I can help you find someone who does.”
* Referral: Pass the survivor to someone or an organisation equipped to provide the necessary support.
Responding to disclosures of abuse with care, compassion, and explicit action is essential for the well-being of individuals and the integrity of the community. By prioritising the safety and healing of survivors, listening without judgment, and connecting them with appropriate resources, we can create environments where healing is possible and further harm is prevented. Remember, your compassionate response can make a profound difference.
FAQ
* What if I don’t know if the survivor’s story is true?
When someone discloses abuse, the priority is their safety and well-being. Believe them and take steps to protect them. If there are concerns about the veracity of the claim, the authorities can address this through appropriate channels, but never at the expense of the survivor’s immediate safety.
* What if the abuser is a prominent member of the community?
The principles of safeguarding remain the same, regardless of the person’s status. The safety of the survivor must always come first. This may require difficult conversations and decisions, but it is a necessary step to uphold the community’s commitment to protecting its members.
* What if I don’t have the training to help?
It’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge your limitations. The most important thing is to ensure the survivor gets the help they need. Refer them to professionals or organisations that specialise in supporting survivors of abuse.