As humans sometimes we like things neatly packaged. We love happy endings, and perhaps that is why people like to placate with words such as ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel’. There is light we just do not know what colour it will be. Sometimes when things happen there will not always be the sweet ending that we envisage it will be. Because God will answer our prayers the way, He knows best. When I went through therapy for abuse, I wanted my past erased and memories of every early childhood trauma forgotten.
Praying to Forgot
For a while, I tried to deny the memories, but I couldn’t deny the abuse, Dr Dan B. Allender said ‘the road from denial lead through the swamp of memories’. It was clear that if I wanted to heal I had to stop denying the past and find a way to work through and process each memory as they come.
When we are in denial, it is automatic to try and ignore, stuff down or try to disregard unwanted memories. However, when we shun them, we will miss out on learning the lessons they were meant to teach and sabotage our healing. I wanted my childhood to be neat, and without any harrowing experiences to remind me of an event I tried to forget. A significant portion of my anger focused on the fact that whenever I told stories about my childhood, memories of abuse would intrude and I hated that.
Eventually, I had to accept the truth of my past and allow myself the room to grow through and heal from the hurt. Accepting that my childhood was different didn’t lessen my value as an individual. In times like this shame can rare its ugly head and people fight memories to shield themselves from embarrassment.
As I think of my journey I have to think of the sum of the whole, I am healed overall. However, there are days when I have to confront painful memories. There are times when I have to engage with them, and I have to pray through, talk through or read something about what is happening. I have often found that when certain memories surface the Lord wants my attention so that I can deal with another piece of the puzzle that will enable me to fully and completely move on. Though there is no neat ending or cut off point the sum of the whole means that God will choose to put the puzzle back together in a way that you will make you shine. He will strengthen you in Him so that even on those days when you have to engage with memories they won’t break you, even when you have to cry and pray through and talk through and do what is necessary to strengthen yourself in Him again to move on He will be there.
So it is not the ending that perhaps we have been sold but it is one where God is always there, and He will never leave nor forsake you.