The older my children get, the deficit in my parenting becomes more pronounced. Some days I am keenly aware of my lack of skills and the need for increased knowledge to meet the new demand.
We should warn individuals before children that continuous professional development is necessary and more crucial in different parts of the journey.
Parenting with deficits from your childhood can compound the problem.
Shame
Parenting can be a shame generating experience especially if you are surrounded by people who act like they have it all together. For example, the woman with three children, a full-time job and manage to entertain.
Keeping up with the Jones
I am aware that sometimes things are not what they appear on the outside.
After the birth of our first set of children (twins), the health visitor encouraged me to join the mother and baby group held at the doctor’s surgery. As an introvert group can be challenging and therefore I was not excited about the invitation. I figured I could just about manage in a new setting on my own, but as a new mother with twins, I am not sure I wanted to try.
The dreaded morning arrived, and I became stressed as I got the children and myself dressed. We arrived in the nick of time barely able to breathe. What I found was a closed group of women who spent most of the time steering at us. It was an uncomfortable 11/2 hours. Despite the promptings of the health visitor once was enough for me.
About one year later I happened to bump into one of these women at said Doctors surgery this time she spoke to me. She reminded me of the unfortunate group experience and stated that after the session she went home and cried. She said ‘you had twins, and your daughter was dressed and in a headband and I had one, and he wasn’t even in socks’.
She had no idea what it took to get me to that group at the unholy hour of 9 am even though I had my sisters living with me at the time.
It is never safe to assume the other woman has it all together and you don’t.
- Never give up your power to other people. We do this by allowing them to dictate our movements and shape our parenting experience.
- Your child is yours don’t compare them with the other women. They have a different set of inherited tendencies to manage.
- You came to parenting with different childhood experiences to the other woman. These events helped to shape you to some extent.
- There is strength in saying I am not coping and getting support to contribute to seeing you through this phase of your journey.
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