Negative feedback impacts emotional pain, for example, ‘this could never happen to me’ stings and hurts in many ways. It hurts for me and on behalf of the many victims of abuse that I have the privilege of working with. These words hurt because it is usually the uninformed words of uneducated, ignorance. People who after hearing about the horrors of abuse as opposed to empathise they would proclaim, this could never happen to me. When tempted to say this remember negative feedback impacts emotional pain and that impact is rarely positive.
These words do not originate with the victim; It is an echo of many voices as they attempt to blame and unfortunately sometimes shame. It is the expressions of Individuals who are unaware of how to offer support and as such, they make declarations such as ‘this could never happen to me’ why didn’t you do this or that. Demands that in retrospect seem so clear to them, they are unable to decipher how the person being abused could have missed it.
Consider your statement before making it, negative feedback to a victim is unnecessary, it is unlikely that you would have said anything that they would not have considered.
Sift feedback
If you are a victim of abuse and is battling negative feedback, sift the feedback given by others. Check it against your experience, what you know deep down to be true about you and also compare it with what God said about you.
An example of negative feedback
- That could never happen to me
- Forgive them
These two proclamations have the capacity to generate more pain; and further harm an individual working through the throes of hurt. From my years of working with abuse victims, listening to them and also reading stories of people who have come through some extraordinary circumstances, abuse is no respecter of person, it can happen to anyone irrespective of class, age, gender or ethnicity. Perhaps as you listen to someone share their story you could commend them for overcoming and being strong enough to give you the benefit of their experience.
The latter (forgive them) is another possibly damaging comment, not because forgiveness is not an excellent idea, it actually frees the person doing the forgiving. Notwithstanding, people need to work through this process in their own time and at a pace that is comfortable for them. It would sometimes seem the people pushing forgiveness also have their agenda. Maybe they are uncomfortable with accepting that someone they know and love could perform such atrocities and they want their own world to be orderly again. This is prevalent especially in religious circles where victims can further suffer religious abuse. There is sometimes a push on one hand by friends of the abuser to forgive and on the other hand self-serving leaders encouraging forgiveness. What is consistent sometimes with these two scenarios is no one holds the perpetrator to any accountability.
You can support a victim by
Listening without judgement
support without attempting to explain away someone’s experiences.
‘Be swift to hear, slow to speak..’ James 1:19
At wounds to scars, we teach that people can heal, move on and find freedom in Christ.
Are you a church or organisation that would like to learn the essentials of effective listening? Would you like to learn how to support people working through the pain of abuse https://www.woundstoscars.com in conjunction with WHEL (whole healed and empowered living) conducts retreats that can help to give you the tools to be able to offer appropriate love and care to those in this position.