I recently read an article in Vanguard: That prompted me to write this post.
I believe one of the primary reasons many do not stay married longer is the lack of communication or for many an inability to communicate. The failure in interacting has many roots. I would like to highlight one. The impact of childhood trauma. Early childhood trauma can create challenges for any married couple.
Without dealing with this issue before the wedding, there is no way to preempt the impact that this will have on the relationship. Additionally, unless the person doing the premarital preparation is aware of how to deal with this issue, it will get overlooked. Perhaps that’s where the work needs to be. However, an important point to add is that some people suppress trauma
One tip that will help you stay married longer
Talk to each other
Articulate yourself in a way that you will be understood. However, to be able to do this effectively it will be necessary for you to make the journey to you. I stole that term from a client who is working on self-discovery and self-acceptance. I thought it was an apt way to describe the process that needs to happen in someone to get them to the position where they can share themselves with another.
Delaying the journey of self-acceptance makes it difficult to accept love or indeed to give love. The affection paid cannot be reciprocated because deep down you do not feel that they are honest and frankly you feel like a fraud. At times the thought for these individuals is they will leave when they know who I am. As a result, vulnerability gets sacrificed and connection lost. When this happens what we have is two people living together but not connecting.
Communication also includes listening
Listening to the silence
Sometimes the unspoken words shout loudest, at these times read the characters’ body language most communication is non-verbal so you will be able to decipher what is said from their tone, body language and expression. When you think you have worked it out, reflect it back just to check understanding and see if this is indeed what they were ‘saying’.
Listening without a filter
The person with unprocessed trauma will tend to hear everything through their pain. They live in a space where the trauma shapes their world view. For example, they may use avoidance and denial to protect self. When this is the case communication can be hampered. It ‘s hard to have a conversation or work through conflict successfully with someone whose safe place is avoidance.
The only way to avoid being trapped in this place of using your pain as a filter is to find a way to process the trauma so that you can be free.
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