Wounds To Scars

Blog

  • The Role Attachment Play in Abuse

    This blog is not an excuse for abuse but an explanation of how attachment injuries can contribute to people becoming emotionally numb, shut down and unable to understand and commiserate with the suffering they caused. People who can’t feel pain on their behalf cannot empathise with the pain that others experience. They use anger as a defence to not take responsibility for the hurt inflicted on others.

    Having secure attachment provides a safe place for each individual to be in; a place where both joy and pain can coexist. Elders in these families communicate security and safety through a variety of ways, including but not limited to loving touch, kindness, loving actions, and emotional availability. Caregivers are responsive to needs and not dismissive of emotions. 

    This loving response to pain models care, and the recipient takes this model with them into other relationships. However, when the aforementioned is missing, for example, in the case of a home where there’s the chaos of abuse, whether it’s one they experience personally or the abuse they see inflicted on their mothers, they will find strategies to cope. 

    With nowhere to take those feelings safely, children can shut down to avoid feeling. A child who shuts down to avoid pain doesn’t become an open adult who can understand and deal with pain without much personal work. It takes a lot of self-awareness and honest reflection to admit that the chaos of home could have inflicted injuries that make you unsafe.

    It’s best to process and heal these injuries before attempting to go into a relationship; otherwise, the likelihood of you being emotionally abusive is high.

    Parental separation

    Parental separation can have a profound impact on a young mind. Many grow up without parents and with caregivers that were unable to love and who were physically and emotionally abusive in that environment.  

    However, the adult rationalises the physical abuse as the loving discipline, which causes them to do the same to their spouse and children. When abuse in any form is normalised, it becomes a dangerous pattern that repeats.

    Abandonment and emotional neglect also play a role in the adult’s ability to give and receive love. People who have difficulty with negative feelings shut down and avoid them; therefore, they can’t empathise with your hurt.

    Children learn how to manage feelings by watching their parents. When parents are emotionally unavailable or preoccupied, leaving a gap, sometimes the children fill that gap with stories of worthiness.

    Having caregivers that are unresponsive to your needs can have a profound impact. This lack of love and safety in relationships with caregivers gets the individual primed for rejection. When the brain gets used to abandonment and rejection, it takes a defensive position to protect itself from perceived harm. Anyone in that state of hyper vigilance will not have the capacity to give or receive love.

    Love shouldn’t hurt

    Love doesn’t hurt, but for people primed for neglect and abandonment, even the purest love with the best motives will get treated with mistrust and even contempt. People who fear rejection due to a lack of secure attachment can become emotionally unavailable and manipulate others to meet their needs. 

    Although they reject the need for connection, they are unaware of how it operates in the subconscious.

    Manipulation and control stem from needing connection but fearing that they won’t have it can lead to internal turmoil. As opposed to finding a supportive place to understand and heal the rage, it’s acted out in relationships. This push-pull of wanting love but fearing they won’t have it becomes an all-encompassing job. The lack of empathy and control becomes intolerable for the partner, friend, or child.

    Although a relationship can become a safe space for all parties and a spouse can become a secure attachment figure, they cannot fix the attachment injuries. These injuries need the expert attention of a trauma therapist. This is one reason why books on marriage that don’t address attachment won’t help the couple struggling with abuse. That’s also why abuse is a personal problem. However, the relationship can become a secure space for both partners despite both receiving insecure attachment patterns. Without this, there’s little hope that healing will happen or that the abuse will stop.

    The path to healing

    Attachment injuries are often overlooked in treatment and help not given to abusers. Pastors and organisations working with couples dealing with abuse also need this information about attachment because most don’t know how attachment trauma impacts how the individual conducts relationships throughout his life.

    Abuse hurts the adults in the relationship and has a devastating impact on children; therefore, in finding solutions to abuse, we need to dig deeper for the issues that lie at the root of the behaviour to find answers.

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    Learn secure attachment and resilient building tips in our biweekly newsletter. The first 20 people joining will enjoy a discount of $5 for the duration of your time. This month we are focusing on healing attachment injuries and having a better relationship with ourselves. Click HERE to join.

  • Resilience Building Tips for Christian Women

    The Psychologist describes resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity or trauma.

    Part of resilience is coping well with joy and pain, grief and laughter, happiness and sadness. However, one of the prevailing views among Christians is that one should be happy always. Of course, this is an impossible feat, but many try to appear as if they are untouched by sadness and adversity. I believe many do this because it makes them more acceptable, and they appear spiritually mature and robust. By appearing not to have pain, they show at least on the surface that they have strength and tenacity in the face of trauma.

    However, this position is unsupported by scripture. The examples that we have are people who lean into the pain as much as happiness. For instance, David cried unto the Lord, but he also dances for joy. It’s inauthentic and lacks honesty when we focus on the part of David’s life when he is dancing and not the places when he talked about his soul being sad and the times when he questions God. We see some of these emotions displayed in Psalm 77:2 ‘In the day of my trouble; I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.”

    In the next verse, he said, “I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed.”

    Have you ever been overwhelmed? David has. People who are resilient experience overwhelming situations, but they can move from that place of bewilderment to a place of peace. So if you are someone who experienced trauma, recent or otherwise, and is struggling to cope, you are not alone. It is normal for people to feel sadness and grief when they face personal or family tragedy. Jesus makes allowance for the hurting. The chapter of Isaiah 58 has many instructions around how to deal with the brokenhearted.

    He also points out in Psalms 147:3 that He comes to heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. This action of binding up wounds would not be necessary if God knew that people would be okay all the time.  

    Resilience requires tenacity and courage to know when one’s in pain and feel comfortable seeking support.

    When the image of perfection is the woman seemingly unaffected by life challenges, it puts pressure on others to be like her. This stoic image is not representative of Christ and often repels people who don’t feel ‘good enough.’

    Resilience building takes time and effort; it takes courage and spiritual maturity to experience a range of emotions. To feel joy and pain and hold and fall into both experiences. Resilience building also involves taking knowledge of God beyond just knowing about Him; instead, it requires having an intimate experience with Him that assures you of His ability to bear what you feel. Isaiah 53:4 tells us “surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.”

    Resilient people have some things in common; these are truths that are known and internalised.

    • Resilience shows through your ability to let Him bear your griefs and sorrows as well as laughter and joy.

    • When one knows God, they know that He will do what He says He will do – comfort the broken heart and be their place of peace.

    • They can trust the promise in Isaiah that He will give ‘beauty for ashes, oil of joy for the spirit of mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.’ 

    The spiritually mature that is growing in resilience will understand that this process uses the tools to work through times of pain. 

    • Resilience allows the individual to learn tools when they don’t have what’s needed. 

    • They asked questions because they allow themselves to feel and be fully present with what they are feeling. 

    • They will ask questions such as ‘what do I need to help me through this phase?’ 

    • They will be able to do an inventory of their coping strategies, be honest with themselves, and search for tools to help prop up what they already have.

    • They will know that a considerable part of resilience is knowing what you need and knowing where to go to have those needs met.

    Resilience is the ability to fully be with sadness when it comes and embrace joy when it comes. Embracing these emotions might mean crying over losing a loved one and laughing in the next moment at the antics of a child or a comedian.

    People growing in resilience know that they don’t have to sacrifice pain to experience joy; they know that it is possible to be comfortable with both.

    In summary

    • Be honest with how you are feeling.

    • Make space for both joy and sadness.

    • Jesus can handle both negative and positive emotions. He made plans for both.

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    Learn secure attachment and resilient building tips in our biweekly newsletter. The first 20 people joining will enjoy a discount of $5 for the duration of your time. This month we are focusing on healing attachment injuries and having a better relationship with ourselves. Click HERE to join.

  • Seven Secrets to Building Resilience

    Demonstrating resilience doesn’t mean that you’ve never experienced adversity. It also doesn’t indicate emotional numbing and pretence. Resilience calls for a combination of vulnerability and courage—the courage to admit that you need help and the openness to access and use the service honestly. Persons might need help in various situations: family dysfunction, personal tragedy, relationship breakdown, healing from grief and loss.

    Additionally, many live in societies where the trauma is ongoing. For example, the trauma of racism is never-ending; therefore, developing resilience in the face of these realities is crucially important.

    Here are seven ways you can cultivate resilience that will help you cope with trauma.

    Safe space

    One way to build resilience is by finding a safe space where you can bring both joy and pain. Your safe space can be a small group or friendship circle that you can access for support when dealing with difficulties.

    Peer-led groups can also be kind nurturing spaces; therefore, if you cannot find a group that meets your needs, perhaps you can research how to become facilitators of such a place or invite a therapist to help start one and move it to become peer-led.

    Women only safe space

    Women need safe and dedicated spaces for their healing. This is necessary because sometimes the pain that women experience and need to heal from is perpetrated by men. While these are not male-bashing places, they give women the chance to talk about their pain without censure or filtering.

    It’s a space where you can take all of yourself and connect with others with similar experiences. Groups such as this also allow members to learn from each other and grow together.

    Safe relationships

    Cultivating safe relationships is crucial to helping you stay afloat when tragedy hits.

    All safe relationships have good boundaries, and they have excellent conflict management and communication skills. Persons in safe relationships can express their needs and ask for what they want. Cultivating safe relationships help you to identify the people in your life that can offer support through difficulties. 

    As you move to become more resilient, you might have to leave some people who don’t serve who you are becoming. Some people help you maintain the place of stress and distress—emotional numbing and harmful cycles. Healing and resilience building will highlight the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Knowing the features of healthy relationships will help you decide who should be in your life.

    Safe relationships also include having trustworthy people. These are individuals who can hold you during difficulties, and they are not judgmental or critical.  

    Safety in your body

    The mind and body connection is an overlooked way of building emotional strength and resilience. Your body can help you maintain a good balance in dealing with trauma. Body safety means that you develop a special connection between your mind and body that will help you. For example, recognising your body’s call for rest, water, good nutrition is crucial. Being able to hear and give your body what it needs is genuinely unique.

    Some women are not used to their voices being acknowledged or their concerns validated when they talk about how they feel or share what’s happening to their bodies. This attitude can influence a lack of trust in self which could lead to women also ignoring the signals that their bodies give to stop.

    Building resilience also includes learning how to trust you and listen and become friends with your body, giving it what it needs at the right time and being attuned to get cues for what it might need next.

    You might also have to work at silencing negative voices that might shame you into not feeling tired or glorify overwork. Becoming friends with your body might mean changing your circle of friends that see tiredness as a badge of honour.

    Safe activities

    Resilience building could also include finding activities that are safe for you. Activities that encourage strength building, using your body as well as your mind. Activities that you are comfortable with but that would also stretch and challenge you.

    Engage in activists that encourages movement to help the body relieve stress and maintain relaxed muscles.

    Safety in your thoughts

    So far, I have talked about resilience building concerning your body and safe relationships. However, emotional strength also includes mastery over your thoughts.  

    Because frequently, the things that we struggle with, such as personal or family hardships, can overwhelm us. On the one hand, we learn how to deal with trauma and tragedies from our families of origin. And on the other hand, our thoughts about traumatic events and how we feel about ourselves also impact our beliefs.

    Some of us learn a view of self that was problematic not because we thought so but because of what caregivers reflected, and we adopted it. Therefore growing in resilience will also mean learning how to tackle and overcome negative automatic thoughts.

    Safety with self

    Safety with self is the ability to go inside and be with you just as you are.

    Maya Angelou said, “I believe we feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find a home, a place where we belong and maybe the only place we do.”

    Find a home within you. That comes with facing all of you and being comfortable with what you discover. 

    Resilience will also include finding a supportive community to help you deal with the parts you are not happy with. The hurt, unfulfilled woman needs a safe place to heal.

    Reliance building can be fun and engaging. Incorporate it into your everyday life and grow in your ability to manage stress without distress.

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    Learn secure attachment and resilient building tips in our biweekly newsletter. The first 20 people joining will enjoy a discount of $5 for the duration of your time. This month we are focusing on healing attachment injuries and having a better relationship with ourselves. Click HERE to join.

  • What’s your Attachment Pattern?

    Attachment is a word used by Psychologists to describe the connection between children and their primary caregivers. Attachment starts in early life from the child is born through each developmental stage. However, by seven, each child will have some form of connection to their caregivers.

    The attachment style inherited is not based on you but your parents’ pattern before you. This type of connection forms the basis of every relationship that you will have. Despite not having a solid and safe connection with your parents, any attachment injuries that you inherit can heal, and you can move on to have a secure connection in your meaningful relationships.

    Below I will outline three of the four major attachment styles. Although the description below is not a diagnosis, you might be able to identify your patterns from the descriptions.

    Secure Attachment 

    With secure attachment, there is an easy flow in the parent/child relationship. The parent and child have a strong bond. They are confident in their parent’s ability to love and protect them and meet their needs, and this security also impacts other relationships. People who have securely attached experience safety in relationships; they can be okay with being with others and being alone. Securely attached people don’t feel the need to perform to get attention or feel loved; there’s safety in the idea that they are loved. 

    People in this group approach relationships in general from a different perspective because of the security they experienced with parents. They come to a relationship knowing and accepting their worth and worthiness of love. They have a strong sense of belonging and is comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries. 

    Avoidant Attachment 

    The avoidant person is not as comfortable in relationships as the person who experiences secure attachment. Avoidant people are used to being on their own. In childhood, they had to attend to many of their own needs, which teaches them that people are unreliable. The early lack of response to needs leads them to be wary in a relationship. Trust is often challenging for them. Therefore avoidant people can develop the ability to take care of themselves.  

    They are self-sufficient, efficient and capable, sometimes high functioning, high achieving, task-oriented, and capable of getting things done. Sometimes these habits are used as a way of coping with loneliness.

    People who experienced avoidant attachment are often talked of as being encased in their world fully functioning, perhaps high achieving but cold and lonely. Though this is difficult, they struggle with the thought of allowing anyone in because they question others’ ability to meet their needs.

    Because of the trauma of attachment injuries, avoidants will sometimes gravitate to people incapable of meeting their needs not because they want to but because that’s the familiar pattern.

    Healing the fractured pattern of avoidant attachment is one way of enjoying fuller, more authentic relationships. 

    Healing happens when you know your needs and become intelligent in letting others learn how to meet them. This sense of surety with your needs also helps you break the unhealthy pattern of allowing people into your life that is unsure how to help you or love you. Healing the avoidant pattern enables you to see that relationships can be safe and experiment with people who are also secure.

    Anxious Attachment

    Individuals who have an anxious attachment pattern want love but have a fearful of losing it. This fear makes them unsure and insecure. The anxious pattern started in childhood, where inconsistencies in parenting create confusion for the child. Therefore, as an adult, the fear of losing love often makes you overly focused on others.  

    This outward focus can sometimes keep you trapped in untenable situations.

    It is important to note that attachment injuries can heal. Not with your parents, unless they have recovered theirs or are aware of how the pattern you got from them impacts you. Families can heal together; learn how to build a secure relationship so that everyone can thrive.

    However, it will take the commitment and dedication of everyone in the family unit to make this a reality. When you begin to heal your attachment injuries, it will invariably change your relationship with others because you will realize their pattern and set expectations in the relationships.

    The person with avoidant or anxious attachment style often lives with a fear of abandonment, 

    This fear will impact all relationships because the early training teaches that relationships are unsafe and painful; the brain gets used to loss, therefore as humans, we create structures that help protect.

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    Learn secure attachment and resilient building tips in our biweekly newsletter. The first 20 people joining will enjoy a discount of $5 for the duration of your time. This month we are focusing on healing attachment injuries and having a better relationship with ourselves. Click HERE to join.