Wounds To Scars

Blog

  • Attachment and the Mother Wound

    Every time I speak on the subject of attachment, there is usually one person in the audience who will ask. ‘Is this a western concept?’ or ‘My mother never told me that she loved me and I am fine.’ Then there’s the conversation afterwards by those not bold enough to share publicly. This is where I’ll hear about the angry, harsh mother who never declared love. They talk of mothers more comfortable with physical punitive punishment, criticism and negative feedback than giving love, appreciation and encouragement.

    Although it is alarming that some think attachment is unnecessary, I have learnt to listen with patience and understanding. Sometimes these questions are not meant to be controversial; they are usually coming from a place of curiosity and genuine concern. Most would like to learn more about this concept so that they can understand and make changes. However, others fiercely guard their loyalty to their parents and refuse to accept that anything could be wrong with the method used. 

    This misguided loyalty is also a protective shield to keep the pain at bay. However, most are unaware of how attachment applies to adult life. Some know that something was wrong with their childhood, but fear stops them from investigating.

    Connection is built-in

    As humans, we have an innate need to experience love both verbally and nonverbally, and when we don’t have those experiences, it can be problematic. This need for love cannot be intellectualised or argued away. 

    Sometimes taking the position that bonding is a hairy fairy concept is a protective shield. Nevertheless, this defence ensures that another generation of people in your family will grow up not knowing what it feels like to connect with primary caregivers intimately. Regardless, this cycle can change. It changes when someone in that lineage decides to heal their attachment injuries and make different choices.

    There are many ways to heal attachment injuries and build an atmosphere of security between you and your children. Although the practice might vary from culture to culture, some elements will be the same.

    Cultures vary

    Certain words and actions might mean different things to different people. Notwithstanding, there are some universal elements of love. For example, everyone will notice the parent who is sensitive and attentive to their child’s needs. Attunement to needs is an essential element in building a secure connection. It helps the child feels safe, protected, cared for, seen and loved. Notice that love is the last feeling I mentioned. Many have heard I love you, but this is often not backed up by the actions, and therefore, they live with a skewed perception of love. 

    Attachment cues might differ from culture to culture, but love in action is the same across all cultures. For example, some cultures might be expressive and vocal when playing with or engaging the baby, while others might be calm and more reserve. None is right or wrong but what is essential is that mothers know how to respond to the needs and love me signals of children and act in a timely way.

    Building secure attachment

    A secure connection develops through safe touch, kindness, love and acceptance. Relationships that reflect these crucial elements are reliable and can give a child a feeling of safety and a sense of belonging. 

    Mothers are usually the primary caregivers and the person most expected to give care. They carry the baby in their wombs for nine months, breastfeed and care for the infant, and are often the only person with them for many hours day and night. Children depend on mother to mirror for them who they are and how to navigate relationships.

    When this connection between mother and child breaks, it is difficult for the child to find safety anywhere. This disconnection can also damage the child’s sense of self and impacts how they see the world. Relationships can be problematic throughout their lives because of emotional neglect.

    Mothers who cannot connect are likely recipients of childhood trauma and lack of parental connection. However, the ones who are aware of this and works to heal their wounds are the ones which are available emotionally to their children.

    Society assumes that mothers would automatically know how to do emotional availability and connect with their child, but many women struggle. Shame and pride stop some women from getting the support they need to break through this barrier and be a safe space for their children.

    It is impossible for a woman who is either unaware of her need to heal or refuses to heal to be securely connected to her children. It is impossible because while she denies her needs, there is a large part of her that is inaccessible to her and anyone else. Usually, that’s a vital part necessary for connection.

    The elements of secure connection are loving-kindness, gentleness, soft-touch, laughter with eye contact, relaxation and presence in the relational field. In other words, you can bring your whole self to the experience.

    There is hope for the women unable to perform these necessary functions; attachment wounds can heal.

    Healing attachment wounds

    A parent’s availability or unavailability can affect a child’s behaviour. Likely, the people who question the need to learn how to say I love you or show it so that the child can understand comes from the environment where there was emotional unavailability.

    Those who still believe it is a western concept, when did you first figure out that your mother loved you? What were the signs that led you to make that conclusion? When do you think your children will begin to figure out that you working hard was your way of showing love? Should that replace other expressions of love such as safe loving touch, kindness, smiles, soft eyes, and quality time?

    Remember hearing that you are loved and experiencing it, is not usually the same thing. The psychological consequences of insecure attachment are wide and varied; therefore, healing might need different things.  

    Therapy helps you accept the possibility of the wound and help you process the damage caused. The process might sometimes feel like grief as you begin the journey of dealing with the anger, frustration and loss of connection. Despite this, an experienced therapist can help you work through these feelings safely.  

    Books are also a great resource in helping to understand emotions and learn from other people’s healing experiences. 

  • Seven Unfamiliar Symptoms of Sexual Abuse and How to Heal

    Sexual trauma can impact a person’s life, mental health, relationships and physical health for years. It can also impact the next generation. There are several little-known symptoms of sexual abuse that although experienced daily by survivors they are rarely talked about.

    I am going to discuss seven in this article and give suggestions on how to deal with each.

    Lack of body awareness or heightened sense of one’s body

    Sometimes people who experience sexual abuse closes off from their bodies, afraid of their reaction or responses to things that others might take for granted. Things like touch can be both wanted and terrifying at the same time.

    The disconnection from their bodies is often not a conscious decision. However, this lack of cognitive awareness doesn’t mean the subconscious is not at work. Some people might dress a certain way to hide their bodies. Some use food to cope and the resulting weight gain also becomes a place to hide.

    Body Image

    Some persons can go through extremes of trying to hide their bodies under baggy clothes or overeating to gain weight and appear less attractive and therefore less desirable.

    Digestive Problems

    Trauma is a big event that has a massive effect on the mind and body. Consider a shock wave hurtling its way through the body. It can almost be violent in its force and leave the person with both physical and mental damage.

    When we are in states of arousal –being triggered and the parasympathic is disabled, the heart rate goes up and digestion slows down. Some are in this state almost constantly. At those times it might not matter what you eat; digestion might be impaired. Sometimes healing from sexual trauma will also include healing the digestive system.

    Many health principles that could help here such as: a gentle walk 30 minutes after eating, drinking enough water to aid the body in digesting foods and eating foods that are easily digested. We are advice to drink 6-8 glasses of water daily. I recently spent two weeks at a health retreat and found that sometimes we might need more water depending on our height.

    I have discovered that not eating when you are triggered or upset is also helpful.

    Love-hate relationship with sex

    Some people who have experienced sexual abuse have a love-hate relationship with sex. It is used in a variety of ways to either control a situation or protect from perceived harm.

    Sex is used as a coping mechanism

    For this group sex is used as a way to deal with emotions whether negative or positive. It is used to cope whenever you get upset or triggered. Then you fall into a cycle of grief that can exacerbate the symptoms because sex is then used to cope with those emotions.

    Sex can be used to provide a kind of release that offers a temporary solution to what is happening. This can send people in a cycle of guilt and shame. However, coping mechanisms can change. You can learn different strategies to cope that are healthy and do not generate guilt, fear and shame.

    I like to tell people that the coping mechanism work for a time, whether they were desirable or not. The past cannot change. Don’t allow it to hold you captive and take away the present that you could enjoy.

    Forgive yourself; learn new ways of coping and move forward.

    Can also hate sex

    Sex can also be too much for some people. Any touch or sight, or smell can bring up painful memories and make this activity challenging.

    This can create havoc in romantic relationships where your partner doesn’t understand and isn’t prepared to learn. You might feel obligated to have sex or be available whenever your partner wants. This added pressure can contribute to many feelings of dread around intimacy. It can also be problematic when your shame prevents you from telling the story of the abuse and work together to find ways that help you.

    Therapy can help you heal from the impact of sexual trauma and give you strategies to cope that will last. Do not deny yourself the freedom that exists in therapy.

    Unexplained pains

    The mind-body connection is well established. Basil van der Kolk discusses this in his book, The Body Keeps the Score.

    The pain  of unprocessed trauma is not a cognitive problem and therefore one can’t think there way out of it. Pain trapped in the nervous system and other parts of the body as a result of trauma needs a safe non-judgmental place to process and heal.

    Despite the wide and varied impact of sexual abuse, it is important to know that healing is possible. People who once experienced daily memories, move on to live full free lives that are rich and fulfilling.

    If you are a survivor who has never sought healing, I encourage you to try and find a counselor and/or group to help you begin your journey of healing.

    Books written by other survivors can also be helpful. It is important to note that sometimes these books and blogs can be triggering. So, reading without other external support and/or place to go and talk through the impact of what you are reading could be overwhelming.

    Groups

    Groups are great places to build community and camaraderie. It helps to know that you are not the only one and that there are people who also share similar experiences and are doing well. It can help to provide a blueprint of what do to in order to heal especially if you are just starting out.  

    Having a community of people who know how you feel and can understand and empathise can be empowering and healing.

    Contraindication

    However, groups that are not well organized and managed can also foster a negative, victim mentality.

    Therefore when looking for a group, be sure to research the leader and organisation’s ethos before joining. It might be worth going a few times to test the atmosphere and see whether they are ‘your people’. If you try and one group didn’t work out, don’t give up, your healing is worth it. Be relentless in pursuing the freedom you desire.

    One to one therapy

    Whether you are attending groups or not it will be essential that you find a qualified and experienced therapist to help you make sense of your experience and move forward.

    Therapy is a safe non judgmental space where you can safely talk through the abuse and its impact. Your therapist will help you put your experience in perspective, tackle negative beliefs and self-destroying thoughts and feelings.

    The thought of therapy can be daunting but your therapist would have heard stories like yours for years and is experienced with helping you to navigate the difficult places as you heal.

    Contraindication

    Be sure to find a therapist that is as close as you can find to your values and ethics. For example, if you are a Christian, while your counselor doesn’t have to be a Christian to be able to help you heal, it might be important to you that they provide the space for you to express your faith. Most will be okay with this and are usually happy to put any such request in the contract at the beginning.

    Healing from sexual abuse might seem like a long lonely road, but healing is possible and as you begin the journey gets shorter and shorter.

  • Can The Mother-Daughter Wound Heal?

    I was recently reflecting as I often do on the special connection between mother and child. Psychologist calls this unique bond attachment. My reflection wasn’t just about the bond per se but rather about the things that often hinder this tie and the path necessary to heal the damage.

    When the parent-child bond is damaged, it’s is called attachment injuries. It works much like any other physical injuries. I am particularly interested in the broken connection between mother and daughter.

    However, because the wounds are not visible, it’s often ignored for a long time—some for a lifetime. Yet, when we consider the sometimes fractious relationship between mother and daughter and the implications for future generations, this wound needs urgent attention.

    Many daughters wonder if there’s anything that can heal the damage sustained through lack of connection, blame and failure to take responsibility; which are typical of the hurt that daughter experienced at the hand of toxic mothers.

    And still, more are stuck because the question for them is who is responsible for the wound. Some daughters would like the acknowledgement of emotional disconnection and the pain that caused. Because for many there is nothing more painful than a present but unavailable mother,

    Several daughters are struggling with silence and lack of ownership. Some want resolution in the form of acknowledgement for the pain they endured. Some want an apology for wrongs done. But, this is where many get stuck. Because their pain often goes unrecognized, mothers refuse to accept responsibility and daughters are left in a place of pain they feel incapable of shifting.

    Some use forgiveness as a tool to heal. However, forgiveness without addressing the wound doesn’t heal. Therefore, many battle years of bitterness, still stuck with, the question ” who is responsible for the pain”?

    I have had the privilege of helping mothers and daughters build a bridge to the future. There’s nothing more courageous than a woman listening to the impact that her pain has caused and taking responsibility where it’s needed. The ability to take ownership despite the discomfort is healing for both.

    It’s beautiful to experience both learning the process of giving and receiving forgiveness and working together to find the pieces that will construct the bridge to their future—one with boundaries and mutual respect.

    I know that this takes a lot of personal work and determination to hear and validate others’ pain. I also know that not many people can do this; not many will make themselves see and be with the impact of their actions to that extent that they can extend grace. As a result, many mothers stay stuck in self-protection and miss out on the opportunity to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship with their daughters.

    Self-protection sometimes looks like anger, blame, and guilt projected unto the daughter looking for answers and solutions to her pain. This lack of ownership can have the pair trapped in a cycle of blame, pain and hurt that can be destructive, where no one wins.

    Every mother was a daughter, and they likely experience their mother-daughter wound. It’s even more crucial then that someone breaks the cycle of passing on pain.

    Though this is true, it’s small comfort to the hurting daughter. When you are in pain, its little comfort to know that your hurt source also has wounds.

    Some daughters are unwilling to accept their mother’s pain because they believe it will mean excusing their actions. But I think women must understand what happened before- not to ignore it or even forgive it but so that they can understand the places where generational patterns harm them.

    Armed with this knowledge, they have tools to navigate their lives and relationships. Generational habits are deeply ingrained and so subtle that it can be easy to miss the places where said pattern is repeating in your life.

    When daughters obtain an understanding of the impact of family history, it can be freeing. The knowledge of what happened in the family tree is liberating as it gives choices.

    Because the probability is high that without healing the same pattern could repeat for you in some form in your relationship with your daughter.

    So can the wound heal? And who should do the work of healing?

    The short answer is both are responsible for their pain. When each person heals then the relationship heals. Some well-meaning people who help mothers and daughters have a vested interest in the relationship, and so they often want to speed the process up encouraging each to forgive and move on.

    However, moving on might mean distance and no contact.

    When a daughter is prepared to heal the impact of the mother wound, she will get to the place where she decides whether to make no-contact or stay in touch.

    Some know that staying in contact will mean continued ignoring of their needs. Because the mother man isn’t changed, staying in touch could be re-traumatizing.

    Tackle core beliefs

    Be aware of the negative core beliefs that come from the damage experienced from the mother’s relationship. For example, a woman’s feelings of not ‘good enough’ can sometimes be traced back to a lack of love.

    Often when a woman doesn’t receive love the message, she battles with is am I loveable. It will take healing for her to realize that her mother’s inability to love her has nothing to do with her worthiness. She must remember that adults unhealed pain has the potential to cause lasting harm to a child.

    Nevertheless, this deficit has the power to destabilize a woman for a long time, leaving her wounded and grappling with thoughts of not being good enough. These thoughts will also influence beliefs and strategies that she used to guide her life.

    That is why a woman has to become aware of the wound, and it’s potential to impact her life and relationships. That then has to be her responsibility, and she has the power to decide to heal or not heal.

    Create distance without bitterness

    Some struggle to create distance without bitterness. Wounded daughters sometimes use anger and hurt feelings as punishment only these are classed as toxic emotions and hurts only the person holding them.

    If you would like to create distance without bitterness, get support to identify and implement clear boundaries to keep you safe.

    To and answer the question. Healing requires personal responsibility, and it also enables you to release the perpetrator. The release doesn’t absolve them of responsibility, but it will free you to break the intergenerational pain cycle and find personal peace.

  • Success Often Lingers Just Beyond Our Greatest Adversity.

    As I listened to my sister telling the twins the story of the day they were born, I too slipped into reflection. It’s their birthday; they are 14 today, and it’s a tradition with my family that each sister that was present would ring to say happy birthday and tell their version of the birth story. The children love hearing these stories even though it happens every year.

    As they talked, I reflected on the day that changed many things in my life for better. The day the twins were born was hazy. I had two doses of morphine and two doses of epidural. I survived labour mostly in a daze of drugs. I had decided to have the twins by natural birth, but I had no idea what that entailed. In retrospect, I should have asked more questions. But you don’t know what you don’t know.

    I started labour on the Monday during supervision, and I didn’t want to call the hospital because whenever I do they always told me to come in. I was having twins and one was not developing as fast as the other, so they checked me every two weeks. This new pain I was feeling came suddenly, but I was so used to being in pain that I didn’t think it was labour. 

    My water broke, but it was nothing like in the movies, so I didn’t know what was going on. Instead of phoning the hospital, I rang my friend who is a midwife. She told me to go to the hospital, I disagreed and went home. I didn’t sleep that night.

    I woke up Tuesday morning after a few hours of fitful rest and went to the toilet and screamed. I rang the hospital and I was told to come in and I wailed again. They sent the ambulance; two came-one first responder and another ambulance. I was still screaming when they arrived.

    We reached the hospital and met a grumpy, stern midwife, I wasn’t going to be okay with her, but luckily for both of us, the hospital didn’t have enough beds for twins and sent us to the other hospital in Leeds. The nurses and midwives were utterly different.  

    Labour stalled and then continued around 5 pm that evening. The twins arrived at 2 am after another course of epidural.

    Wednesday – I was moved to the ward and the children were taken to me. After a couple of hours, the consultant came to tell me that my daughter had to return to the special care unit because they found a problem with her. I cried for the three weeks she was in the hospital.

    Three weeks later she arrived home, and we were strangers. I had left her in the hospital and taken her brother home. It took years to understand what happened and what I needed to do to fix it.

    I was learning how to heal, which meant learning about me and healing my attachment injuries.

    It is incredible how adversity can uncover things in one’s own life. In trying to solve one problem, I stumbled on many others that were urgent. I am forever grateful for my children because they’ve helped me to grow beyond my wildest dreams.

    In learning how to bridge the three-week gap, I came up against obstacles in me that I knew had to be addressed.  I discovered attachment injuries and noticed that our marriage changed as I was re-traumatized by giving birth.

    I was a new parent confronted by these massive obstacles that I didn’t know how to overcome. I didn’t know anyone who healed from these injuries and so I didn’t know where to begin. Everyone seemed fine. They adjusted to parenting well and were sailing through each stage. And here I was still recovering from giving birth to twins, leaving one in hospital and struggled with intimacy. I thought for sure something was wrong with me.

    Our lives changed on so many levels the day they were born. The impact felt like our own personal earthquake. We spent many years understanding the shift and still more working through and adjusting to the life that we had. Not the one we thought we should have or the one we thought other people had.

    Realisations like this are isolating, because there is no one to talk to, and therefore it isn’t easy to gauge who can understand it.

    That was my first insight into the impact of childhood trauma on parental responses and romantic relationships. I was living it.

    Healing taught me that I could have a relationship with myself.

    My husband met a new woman after I came home. I was now a mother and his wife. 

    I met a new woman, although I didn’t know then or took the time to get to know her. Those days I was focused on being a great mother, I wanted to be like the people I saw, work tirelessly and never got tired, never complained and did all the things all the time. I quickly realized that that was not sustainable; it wasn’t even realistic for me.

    Counselling training changed my life in many ways. I was heavily pregnant as I started training; it was a life-changing journey. I purposed to use the skills to improve my life, even if I never got to work as a counsellor. I learnt to get to know me and understand, accept and love me.

    For example, the day I found out the term introvert, I felt vindicated. There were other people in the world like me. I wasn’t stuck up, frigid or any of the other names attributed to me.

    It was those realisations that helped me position myself as the kind of woman, mother and wife I wanted to be. I didn’t need to consult my husband or anyone on the changes. I used introspection, prayer and time alone with God to figure out and embraced who I was becoming. Over the years, that person has evolved, but I’ve stayed true to the core of who I am.

    Through learning and healing our attachment injuries, we can help others heal. Assisting others to form a deep connection is a considerable part of the work that we do in retreats and conferences.

    When a woman tells me she is unable to function sexually, I often hear sexual trauma and my training, coupled with the workaround self-development, help me understand the cultural context that frame that problem. 

    The work that I do doesn’t feel like work; it grows as I grow and has blossomed into a ministry that helps thousands every year to begin and continue their journeys of understanding, self-discovery and growth.