Wounds To Scars

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  • Is There A Place For Pain in Your Church?

    As a Counsellor, I get to work with people who’ve experienced a range of traumas like: sexual abuse, in all its forms; domestic violence; rejection; abandonment and childhood trauma in its entirety.

    Karen Saakvitne defined psychological trauma as “the unique individual experience of an event, a series of events, or a set of enduring conditions in which:

    • The individual’s ability to tolerate or integrate the emotional and physical experience is overwhelmed, and or
    • The individual experiences a sense of threat to life, bodily integrity or sanity.”

    Some enduring conditions are things such as racism, domestic abuse, and sexual abuse.

    I believe when faced with enduring conditions, the church should be a safe place to escape. Even for those couple of hours every week, the church should be the one place people can go to find relief.

    However, now and again, I am reminded that the church needs a lot of education before it can appropriately support the people who need it the most. These realisations are startling, sad and disheartening.

    There is no place for pain in church.

    Victims of abuse

    The church should be the place where the women who are in an abusive relationship can find comfort: a space to heal and find safety from the abuser. What usually happens is that the woman has to leave her church family either because they are unable to support her or they’ve taken the side of the perpetrator.

    The church should be a safe space where the young girl abused and pregnant can discuss her next steps without being judged, criticised or ostracised. She probably knows what scripture says, but can she talk about the pain in your pews? Can she talk about the impact of the abuse? Can she wonder how to love an unborn child created through violence? Can you cry with her and hold her until she makes a decision that will impact both her and the unborn child?

    Can she wonder how and where?

    Can you be the representative of God to her showing the love that she needs in that time of crisis?

    Can you help her when she rejects herself and the child? Can you help her through the hate?

    Can you make room for her anger?

    Is there a place in your church for that kind of pain?

    Racial trauma

    Is there space in your church to be fully known? Can the black woman take all of her to church? Can she talk about her experiences out in the world without being dismissed?

    As a Christian woman, I know how to use the Bible as a tool to help me get through awkward life moments. In my early twenties, when the religion of my parents could no longer sustain me, I took the deliberate decision to get to know God for myself. Through that process, I get to know Him as kind, compassionate, caring and ready to listen. He is the epitome of don’t rush. What I learn is at odds with what the church represents today.

    As a youth, I often hear that the church is a hospital; it’s a refuge, some say. Lets witness and get people in but I am wondering whether we are ready for the people who will come.

    For example, in a world where there is crisis, one after the other, it cannot be business as usual at church. We have to be able to hear the pain of everyone. Though the conversation might be awkward, according to Isiah 58, we have to position ourselves to be the bridge to people in all kinds of circumstances.

    However, when it relates to racial trauma, there is tone-deafness that feels cruel, unkind and unchristlike.

    Every day it’s become more apparent to me that church is not a safe place for my pain. No place for me as a black woman to be fully known. No place to talk about the pain of systematic racism and the impact of injustice.

    I work with trauma survivors and help them understand and respond to triggers; I help them have a regulated nervous system and live with the tools to live safely in their environment.

    I cannot ignore the fact that as a black woman that’s also crucial for me. Dealing with and managing r acial trauma is not so easy because the threats are everywhere.

    The brain is on constant alert 

    When we sense a threat in response to a trigger, we respond instinctively from the most primitive place in the mind.

    “Like all animals, we humans are oriented to survival. When we sense a threat, we are wired to fight or flee – or freeze, in dire circumstances. The fight or flight response is mediated by the brain stem and by the amygdala, a tiny almond-shaped area in the limbic system deep in the brain.” – Mona Dekoven Fishbane

    It’s an automatic response, but most churches would ignore that. Some Christians would tell me that I shouldn’t feel the way I do.

    The world isn’t a safe place when you are a black person; there are dangers everywhere. 

    When you feel the same threats of danger in the church that you experience everywhere else, then there’s a problem.

    Silence can give the perception of danger as much as a look or verbal attack. Our bodies response to anticipated risk, the kind a woman feels who is triggered by the memory of abuse. Or the woman who sees her abusive partner for the first time since leaving; the impact of the violent parent; the triggers from an accident.

    For black and brown people, we often live with that sense of danger. For some of us, our nervous system is on constant alert. It’s tripped the minute we enter the supermarket, walk in the park, take a taxi, visit the doctor, go shopping or do typical day to day activities. It pains me that we now have to consider the church as part of that list.

    Church people, pastors, leaders would want me to think that it’s wrong for my body to have those natural, healthy responses.

    “Don’t feel like that.”

    “Think this instead.”

    Environment

    As humans, we are hyper-vigilant to both inside and outside threats. The feeling of safety or fear is environmentally driven, and we go into fight-flight or freeze response automatically.

    During those times the part of my brain that makes logical decisions are offline when we feel threatened.

    I can learn to manage and moderate, but with dangers everywhere, this can be a full-time job. Some people’s hypervigilance can become anxiety, depression or other mental health problems.

    How do you become a bridge?

    I won’t pretend to know all the resources needed for bridge-building, but I know that our whole self is required.

    Making room to talk to and listen to people in pain. Not by giving a bandaid with a barrage of scriptures but with really sitting in the discomfort and allow others to share their experiences.

    “Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke.” Isaiah 58: 6

  • Christian books on how to be a “good” wife are not written with black women in mind.

    Christian books on how to be a “good” wife are not written with black women in mind.

    Authors tend to write with their audience in mind; that’s why I’ve concluded that Christian authors that write about how to be a ‘good’ wife didn’t write with the black woman in mind.

    I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Your audience is your audience; however, I do believe these authors should be direct in their advertising. I can hear the uproar at that. It wouldn’t be politically correct or Christian to make such a declaration, and I agree, but what then is the solution.

    As I read these books, I am more concerned that they do not reflect our stories. It’s a similar situation at some retreats. Often I hear the information then go home and sift it so that I can find what I can use. It’s exhausting. But that’s me what about the woman who doesn’t know how to sift the information. The author is writing from her own life and perspective; therefore, there will be irrelevant information.

    Some women will take everything at face value because it’s accompanied by Bible verses and set about applying it in her life and home with frustration.

    When the results, she desires fail to materialise some internalised that failure. When this happens, some women feel not good enough because the suggestions work for the speaker and so many others. Why can’t it work for her?

    I’ve read and tried to apply enough of these books to know that I am not their target audience.

    The suggestions mostly seem unattainable and leave one with a feeling of dissatisfaction and failure. The temptation to feel and think you are not good enough or worthy enough is strong.

    When making suggestions to a group as broad and diverse as wives, context is crucial. 

    If you are going to read and apply these books, here are some things to keep in mind.

    1. Context

    Your context is different: your home situation and dynamics might be different from that of the author. I often see where these authors stay at home moms whereas you and your husband might work shifts to keep a roof over your heads. A lot of black homes are two-income households as we try to build and create a future for our children that is different from the one we had.

    Additionally, some families are trying to build wealth and create a legacy for the next generation.  

    The woman has to manage all those competing 

    demands and choices while being present for her husband, children and herself could become overwhelmed with more requirements.

    1. When you are a working mom, trying to apply these suggestions, it will be challenging to juggle work and doing all the things they intimate are essential.
    2. Burn out fatigue is real, and it’s already a struggle for the woman who is trying to balance work and a family. Adding more could be a tipping point.

    What then is the option for black Christian women.

    I know women want to be good wives, mothers, sisters, daughters. I know we want to serve in our communities and build legacies for our children.

    Often the black woman does that at the exclusion of self.

    We are still living in the shadows of the stereotype of the strong black woman. Coupled that with the teaching around what strength looks like for the Christian woman and she doubles down on hiding her feelings while diving into doing what everyone thinks she should do.

    The multitasking trap

    Women are excellent at managing multiple tasks at once. They are good at juggling balls and trying to balance a busy life with doing a lot, but that’s a trap. The subtle myth of “you can have it” all haunts many women, and they pressure themselves into doing more because it seems that this or that person is doing it.

    Sometimes comments from husbands suggest that you are not enough not doing enough. Why can’t you work full time to help balance the budget and single-handled keep the house clean, the children fed and be all that I need?

    Ladies, you can have it all but not all of what your neighbour or friend has. Your all will depend on a close evaluation of your life and how it functions. It will depend on your goals and what is right for you and your family.

    Teach your family not to expect you to be all things to all people. Train the children early to be independent, let them help with the task as is appropriate for their ages, set expectations for your husband. Ask for the help that you need.

    One damaging message the strong black woman stereotype sends is that you don’t have needs. Often some of us are raised in households where we never see our mothers expressed needs, and therefore we learn how not to make demands.

    Additionally, the ongoing trauma that is always repressed means work sometimes becomes a coping mechanism. The ability to adjust and to work on fitting you in your schedule where you priorities you, your mental and physical health and your personal development might be a challenge, but it’s one worth undertaking.

    When you take the time to train your household and manage the expectation of your children, it means that you can have time to develop you. Learn and understand who you are and come to a place where you are secure in that knowledge.

    Make the journey to self-discovery a lifelong one. Make that a part of the balls that you juggle as opposed to the ones society expects you to handle.

    Make one day a lazy day where you sit in the garden and relax. Seeing you take time for you will be a gift to your children. I heard something recently that had a profound impact on me. I know that many who are trying to fit into boxes designed by others miss this opportunity. Children benefit from seeing their mothers do things intended for personal growth and development.

    Good is relative

    Being a ‘good’ wife depends on the goals you and your spouse have. Remember ‘good’ is relative, so what works for your favourite author might not work for you.

    Therefore being a ‘good’ wife is dependent on your life and the circumstances that you have to manage. And not about ticking boxes designed by people who don’t understand or know about your experience.

    Self-discovery

    A woman understanding herself is a helpful place to start. Learn what makes you feel fulfilled and happy? Some of your needs will be met by you and some from the people around you.

    Often being a ‘good’ wife means meeting physical needs, the focus in on the cooking, cleaning and meeting your husband’s needs. That’s a lot of pressure. 

    These books educate us to think a good wife is a specific thing – and that we are responsible for the happiness of our families.

    Get to know yourself, be comfortable with who you are, be satisfied with what will help you to meet the needs that are present in your home. Then you will be the wife that required in your home.

  • Five Ways The Church Can Protect Victims Of Abuse During The Lockdown

    Five Ways The Church Can Protect Victims Of Abuse During The Lockdown

    The world is in lockdown, and this will be hard on relationships, parenting and some peoples’ mental health. However, this time might be particularly challenging for women in abusive relationships.

    The church has consistently failed these women, but here is an opportunity to get it right. 

    Most churches have a live stream and video conferencing in place to continue worship services, but they might also need to think about how they can provide pastoral care during this crisis.

    The church might still be the first port of call for a lot of women who are dealing with abuse. Lockdown means she is now left at home with the full fury of the abusive partner, with no respite.

    Most pastors don’t have the skills to deal with abuse. Dealing with domestic violence was just not a part of their training. However, as the leader of the congregation, there are certain things required of them.

    Sometimes the church fails victims because they become attached to the outcome. For example, guilt is determined by whether or not the leadership believes the woman. In some instances, she is seen as sinful, and unsubmissive, a lying woman who causes shame to her home. Sometimes women are sent home with a list of scriptures, and are expected to conform to the wrath of the abuser.

    In most cases, women take a significant risk in talking with you about the abuse. She knows that it is a good sign that things might get worse for her. She shares with you because she believes you to be someone who could help her.

    Please don’t let her down again by making your opinion the guide to the help she receives.

    Educate yourself about abuse. Use this downtime to read, do online training and workshops so you can better understand the mind of the abuser. Learn what it takes to hold them accountable and support the victim at the same time.

    Your opinion shouldn’t matter; your duty is to safeguard. Therefore, you should act promptly to secure the needs of the woman and vulnerable children. 

    Learn to listen impartially and be honest when you’ve come to the end of your skillset. Know when its time to refer people to appropriate support: domestic abuse helplines or women’s aid. 

    Find ways of making the church safe for her

    I heard of one radical church where the pastor asks the abuser to go to another branch because the woman and children consider that church their safe place. That is wise and appropriate measures; the woman perhaps has had to leave home and is dealing with a lot of change, if she finds a church that is safe, this space should be protected even with virtual services.

    Accountability

    This is where the failure continues – most congregation are not sure how to hold the abuser accountable. Because of their ignorance, the conversations often sound like this. Let’s forgive the abuser, let’s promote him, give him things to do in church and give him lots of special treatment. When you do this you are sending a message to the victim. It says we don’t believe you, and we are going to love our brother.  

    Holding the abuser accountable is loving when you challenge him and insist that he gets help. You love him into the kingdom.

    Praying with him alone won’t help.

    The abuser and damage control

    The abuser will try to get people in their corner by rushing to tell their story first. The story will be a lot of near truth coated with a lot of lies. They tell their story to hook their sympathizer, who then sometimes become their most prominent supporter and who sometimes helps them to continue the abuse.

    Abusers often thrive in church settings because people are often so removed from the real world. Hiding behind scriptures they make decisions that hurt people.

    Forgiveness

    When a woman leaves because of abuse, it’s often not a forgiveness issue. Two women every week die at the hands of her abuser. Mercy has nothing to do with the problem. The abuse won’t change if she forgives. Often if she acts on the advice to reconcile and return home, when she does, this could be more detrimental to her safety than before.

    Your encouragement gives the abuser support and bolsters his courage to the detriment of the victim and sometimes the children.

    Sometimes forgiveness might mean she has to leave and stay safe.

    Examine yourself

    Often when women are encouraged to forgive the person urging the forgiveness usually don’t care and isn’t invested in the health, wellbeing and safety of the woman. They want a neat outcome that caters to their view of things and their application of scriptures.

    Examine yourself and be honest with why you are encouraging forgiveness.

    Listen impartially

    Listening is a gift, but it’s also a skill that you can learn. Because someone teaches the word with eloquence doesn’t mean that they know how to handle a situation when a woman discloses abuse.

    The abuser might be their friend and is ‘nice’ therefore, they struggle to listen impartially and hold the perpetrator to account.

    You fail Christ

    • You fail Christ over and over when you fail to minster appropriately to the brokenhearted. When you consistently shut them out or send them in situations that are volatile and harmful. 
    • When you encourage the victim to stay and to be more submissive, forgive, cover her husband, it’s her cross to bear.
    • You fail these vulnerable women, and you fail Christ.
    • You misrepresent Him to the masses when you fail to appropriate measured responses to these request for help.
    • You fail when you don’t train your staff to hear the victim and respond in a timely way that takes into account the gravity of the situation.
    • You fail when the church has the final say over whether the women are to be believed or not.
    • You fail when you do not hold the men accountable and put measures in place to protect the vulnerable.
    • You fail when a woman feels forced to leave the church for her broken heart to heal.

    Partner with Christ

    • You can partner with Christ once again and make the church a space place for the victim
    • You can be an appropriate, confidential and safe place for the women to call and ask for support and guidance. 
    • You can be a fountain of knowledge leading your team with resources so that they can respond with swiftness and care when someone discloses.
    • Consult with organizations that work with victims and ask them to be your guide, call and ask for directions and resources frequently. Keep up to date with change in legislation so that you can help appropriately. 
    • Move from the model of doing abuse prevention and awareness day once per year. Champion the cause of the victim. Let this permeates through everything you do in church.
    • Move from the model where men get promoted, and women ostracised when they disclose.
    • Move from the model where you as the pastor and your leadership team is the only place where you get help. Be intentional and put someone in your group who has the knowledge to deal with victims and can advocate appropriately for the needs of the vulnerable.
    • Move from hiding behind scriptures. Those scriptures are not keeping women safe, not because they are not able to but because they are misapplied and used to continue the abuse.
  • Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    According to the Webster dictionary, abandonment is the act of abandoning something or someone.

    Abandonment in the context of the mother-daughter relationship occurs when a mother physically leaves the child, whether through living in another country or regularly creating physical distance between them. Going often or failing to connect emotionally when present. As you will also see in this blog post, a child can also experience abandonment when the mother fails to advocate for her or chose not to believe her side of the story.

    When a mother experiences abandonment without healing the generational pattern gets passed on to the daughter.

    Types of Abandonment

    Physical abandonment

    Physical abandonment occurs when a mother leaves home. The mother might move to live in another country or another part of the country. There are various reasons why this might happen, such as economic migration, a woman fleeing violence or family structures where extended family care for children enabling the mother to travel for work.

    Due to the mother leaving the daughter may have several painful experiences that she has to suffer alone. She may have to endure puberty along with other physical and biological changes in her bod but have no one to guide her.

    She handles unanswered questions around puberty, periods, and what to expect. Many young women thought they were dying when their period started. Some thought they were ill or bleeding to death. They had so many varied imaginations. Mother figures that are present failed to play the role that a mother should have played. 

    Physical abandonment leaves the daughter with questions and feelings of rejection. These questions are sometimes never answered by the mother, who feels her actions were justified. 

    The reason for leaving is irrelevant. The daughter needs to understand and heal the impact of the loss. She may have an intellectual understanding and is sympathetic to the need that influences the decision; however, the feelings of the wounded child needs to be acknowledged and healed.

    Physical abandonment can also occur when mother though living in the same home fails to bridge the gap that exists between her and her daughter. The distance would have started in childhood and becomes more pronounced as the child grows morphing into emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment is an emotional state that leaves the child feeling alone, rejected and unwanted. This withdrawal might be sudden or a gradual moving away that can create anxiety in the daughter.

    A daughter experiences emotional abandonment when the mother is present but not available. She also gets it from the mother who cannot love and connect due to her experiences of neglect. She may decide to stay; however, breaking the cycle of neglect requires more than a decision to stay.

    The mother who decides to stay also has to knowingly do several things different not to get the outcome of recreating that pattern of abandonment for her children.

    Healing alone eliminate the risk of recreating patterns of abandonment. Living together doesn’t mean the mother; knows how to have conversations about puberty. Sharing physical space doesn’t mean that she knows how to take the daughter into her confidence or indeed to work her relationship with her daughter so that they can have meaningful conversations.

    The mother might not know how to win the daughters heart where she can provide needful guidance about changes in her body. 

    There are several ways that mothers recreate feelings of abandonment.  

    1. When a daughter discloses instances of sexual trauma and the mother chooses to side with the partner, a colleague or family member or immediately dismisses what the daughter says and not listens. Not being believed gives a feeling of aloneness and being invisible because the person who she expected care and love from could not provide what is most needed.

    Sometimes this experience plunge women into many years of self-hate, blame and internalised hatred and anger. The storm of emotions can magnify when culture dictates that the daughter should care for the mother in later life.

    Culture demands loyalty from the daughter or the daughter feels a sense of duty to care for and keeps contact with the mother. Forgiveness is possible; however, healing gives you a chance to work through those feelings safely so that the care you provide comes from a place of love and not duty. Duty can be as toxic and harmful as hate and anger.

    In some instances, the mother demands care as a duty, as service she deserves because of the years of sacrificing. A daughter needs to address and heal from her injuries to prevent this pattern passed down to her daughter.

    2. Feelings of abandonment recreates when the mother regularly retreats to her room gives no explanation, and the children are left to ‘figure’ out what’s wrong. Often in these instances, children take responsibility for what they perceived as the reason mother cannot spend time with them. This blame can last a long time. 

    It also leaves a feeling of unworthiness and not being good enough.

    · Lack of quality time can also create feelings of abandonment. It’s in those special times together that a mother and daughter will connect. When there’s a gap, she questions her worth and wonders what needs to change for her to be loved. This pattern of ‘fixing’ her and chasing love can linger into adulthood until the trend is acknowledged and the root healed.

    3. Emotional abandonment can also occur when a mother who is more comfortable with tasking than connecting. Tasking might have a purpose and desired outcome, such as ensuring the daughter has necessary life skills. However, children are not known for their ability to reason and arrive at logical conclusions. Adults would struggle to understand without an explicit explanation.

    The mothers were daughters too, and understanding of her generational patterns can help the daughter understand her mother’s context and what made her the mother that she is today. However, that won’t stop the toxicity.

    Firstly she has to heal.

    Healing

    Though you may intellectually know why your parent left and make a decision to forgive and try to forge a relationship, the wounded child still needs to heal. Without healing, the risk of the intergenerational pattern of abandonment will continue. 

    You may experience psychical abandonment when your parents left, and you had to find ways of dealing with those emotions. Burying, ignoring or intellectualising the pain of neglect won’t heal the hurt. 

    Many counsellors, therapist or other mental health professionals are trained to help you recognise and begin healing. The book by Mark Wolynn ‘It didn’t start with you’ can help you understand the generational cycle and begin to improve.

    If you are looking for ways for you and your mother to Heal Wounds to Scars one day retreat will be a great place to start. Get the details HERE.