Wounds To Scars

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  • The Impact of the Absent Father on Daughters

    The Impact of the Absent Father on Daughters

    She said, ‘You didn’t fight for me as a father.’ I listened as Common talked about how it felt when his daughter said those words to him.

    And I knew this was the experience of many women trying to understand why dad was absent.

    Common is one example of a father who listened to their daughters and acted on what was said.

    However, many daughters do not have the opportunity to have honest conversations because some dads are too defensive to listen.

    They don’t see the need to do the work necessary to learn how to be fathers to their daughters.

    Last year, I was interviewed on the BBC about the father-daughter relationship. I was happy that this critical relationship was being discussed. 

    A girl’s connection with her father will pretty much serve as a model of male love throughout her life.  If this is a positive experience, she will have a better compass; however, if her mirror relationship is fractured, this could affect how she views or interacts with males throughout her life. 

    The father/daughter relationship can also make or break her self-esteem.

    If you are a daughter trying to figure out life because of an absent father, here are four essential things that you need to consider on your journey.

    Patterns

    Women are often amazed when they learn that the patterns in their relationships with their fathers can repeat in other relationships throughout their lives.  Those who can spot how the effects of the breakdown can tackle the subject quickly and see good results.  Others, who were at the beginning stages of finding a life partner, appreciated the lessons and the opportunity to address the hurts caused by the separation and lack of connection.

    Conversations at one of my retreats highlight the importance of this discussion. Many women know that anger is not a safe place to hide. 

    Fostering hatred and resentment ensures that the lack they suffered from their fathers will have more chances of reappearing in other significant relationships.

    The pattern with dad is often reflected when women enter into relationships with men who are unable to connect emotionally. Processing emotions is the safest way to stop the cycle from repeating.

    Trust

    Your father’s inability to keep his promises could teach you to distrust people, sometimes men. The father’s absence and sporadic approach to obligations might also teach stories about worth and worthiness.

    It could impact her ability to experience and accept love and have the potential to shape how she sees herself. The trust might be, but it’s not irreparable. Lack of trust involves fear.  At its root is the fear of needing someone or depending on someone.  What if I totally rely on you and you leave later? Or what will happen if I believe what you said but you fail to make good on your promises?

    Steps to repair broken trust

    •    Honesty.

    •    Find the root of distrust.

    •    If the root sprouts from father/daughter interaction, getting support in processing the hurt will be imperative so that you can move on.

    Connection

    Sometimes, this need might be embarrassing and, therefore, generate shame.  However, we need connection, and your desire to have a secure relationship with your father is not abnormal.  It is a reasonable innate need that we have.

    Many men struggle to meet the need for connection. Some grew up in households with less-than-positive male role models, and therefore, the ability to connect doesn’t come naturally.

    Of course, men can heal this wound and learn how to provide the love and support that daughters need.  However, it is perhaps sometimes easier to default to what they’ve seen. Or more natural to meet the less emotionally demanding role of providers.

    Some men are great providers; this is a role they know well. But many lack the resources to be the kind of men who can connect emotionally with their children. The men who had their fathers around might have learnt specific life skills from them, but often, they do not know how to have close, connected relationships with their children.

    A man will learn to show emotions or treat the women in his life based on how the males around him manage those tasks.

    Often in cases where daughters are struggling with the hurt of disconnection, it can usually be traced back through generations.  The fact that you are reading this means that you are taking steps to ensure that the people after you have a different template.

    Healing raises awareness. It helps us discover who we are and aids us in making decisions about who we would like to be moving forward. Healing gives one control over what happens next, as opposed to blindly following a current family pattern.

    There are many opportunities to heal this need for connection and find other sources of bonding that are present.  Without healing, disconnection could become a long-standing issue for you that will inhibit your ability to connect with males or even your sons.

    You become what you focus on

    I know many people who don’t want to see the story behind their parents’ behaviour. I suspect that it’s a self-protecting strategy. It is a way of avoiding the pain that this knowledge might evoke. When in pain, we often can’t consider any other reality than our own. 

    Another perspective might be useful, but it often feels like too much.

    If you read this as a parent and don’t know how to connect with your child, you must find out how. 

    Ask questions.

    Wonder.

    Read

    Search for answers.

    Do whatever you have to do to show up for your child in a way that is valuable to them.

    Many times, parents attend my workshops, and it is during those sessions that several uncomfortable realisations are acknowledged. You can almost feel the pain when that happens. It is never too late to apologise and try to make amends.

    Fear of rejection

    As a result of the father’s leaving, you may fear rejection. This fear plays into negative thoughts about ourselves, and the subconscious may cherish the following feelings.

    ●    People will always leave me – If we feel people will go, we will not commit our all to the relationship because of fear that we might end up alone.  Self-protective strategies will automatically kick in and keep us from fully committing to anyone. You might be familiar with people telling you you are cold or distant. You are there but not fully present.

    You might feel that there is a distance between you and others, but you don’t quite know how to fix the problem. The issue could have its origin in those early feelings of fear that were triggered by Dad leaving.

    ●    No one will love me -Dad’s going may initiate feelings of unworthiness.  Your 5-year-old self, or whatever age you were, might have thought that if he loved you, he wouldn’t have left. You may know differently as an adult, but this still needs addressing and healing.

    You must know that you are not the reason your father left. His inability to have a relationship with you is not your fault.

  • The Christians guide to letting go of toxic family members.

    The Christians guide to letting go of toxic family members.

    When it comes to letting go of toxic family members, Christians struggle with this decision.

    Many shared that they feel it is not Christ-like and wondered how they might be perceived if they make such a  bold statement.

    Sometimes this struggle is linked to what they think God will view them if they decide to let go.  They feel it is good to be long-suffering and give people chances.

    There is also the teaching around forgiveness that enables the perpetrator to continue hurting and tie the victim to a life of pain.  I am convinced that people who were injured and never allowed themselves to heal, teach mercy without accountability.

    However, there must be room in the discussion for the victim to make a decision based on their knowledge of their family and the hurt that they sustained.

    It is complicated to heal, change and grow when the situation doesn’t change.  Especially when you are living in the same circumstances; for example, your stress levels will never reduce if you do not modify the stressful situations in your life.

    Without change, many suffer in silence, and the cycle of pain continues and perpetuates through generations.

    Notwithstanding all the evidence of the pain strewn across time, the question I usually get asked is ‘can I cut them off and still be a good Christian?; The guilt in this scenario is enormous; it is heavy and often leave people in limbo for a long time.

    They want biblical proof that it is ok to cut hurtful people out of their lives.  Unfortunately, I do not have a proof text method to share with you, no concrete bible verse that is bound to get you to shift your position and make the cut. Instead, I am going to share with you some principles that should be present in all healthy relationships.  If they are not present in your interaction with your family, then you might want to consider deciding to create some space between you and them so that you can heal.

    Culture

    Culture sometimes represents the number one reason people suffer in silence. For example, the attitudes present in some families fosters silence around abuse.  For some, the subject is taboo, whether it is sexual or physical abuse. 

    Some families’ tires to deal with abuse internally meanwhile, uncle so and so is allowed full reign and can hurt more people.

    Some wonder if it is unchristian to cut uncle entirely out of their lives. It might be the father’s brother, and he is encouraging you to ‘just’ forgive.  Meanwhile, no one holds him accountable, and he is not made to experience the consequence of his actions. 

    When this is the attitude around speaking out, then perpetrators get room to keep abusing, and the pain deepens and sometimes morph into physical illness.

    Here is why forgiving him won’t heal you.

    Forgiving is not a means to heal. You have to do the work of processing the hurt.  You will always have to find an outlet for the anger, pain, fear, and sense of shame, low self-worth and all the other emotional challenges that accompany trauma.

    Protecting yourself is not unchristian; it is ok to have boundaries and to protect yourself from further harm. Follow the principles for accountability outlined in Matthew 18:15-17

    “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not go listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector’.

    Forgiveness

    Often forgiveness is not the problem.  However, this is the word or action that most suggest will help offenders to move forward.

    I’ve heard the sermons that talks about the horrific incidents that happen in families and the victim forgive and all was well after that.

    What we rarely hear about is the pain and the after-effects of the actions of the offender. 

    Often forgiveness is not a problem. Instead, people need to get help to change long-standing harmful behaviours before they can be safe again to be around anyone.

    Sometimes they need the necessary period of incarceration that will help to rehabilitate them.  It is also worth considering that the offender might never be safe again to be around you or anyone until they can face the problem and make concerted efforts towards change.

    We all know the scripture in Matthew 18:21 – 22 Then ‘Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesusanswered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!

    I believe in forgiveness, but I also think What John said in Matthew 3:8-9 also has merit. But when John saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his place of baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers, who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit worthy of repentance. And do not presume to say to you, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I tell you that out of these stones, God can raise up children for Abraham’

     If the current fruits tell you that they are not at the stage yet where they are safe to be around, then believe what you see. Hiding from the truth will not help you to heal.

    If like many, you are only familiar with the model of forgiveness that ignores the wrongs and treats pardoning as the only means to help the offender, and then this might be difficult for you.  But, the Bible has clear conditions for the offender. 

    According to Matthew 7:16 ‘By their fruit, you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?’  That means action demonstrates change.

    Believe the actions that you see. That’s what shows the level of growth or lack of growth.

    As much as you might want it to be something else, for your safety, mental health and sometimes salvation, it is necessary for you to believe what you see and act accordingly.

    Acceptance

    It might be challenging to accept that for you to restore; you will need to separate yourself from your family.

    It is essential to allow yourself to sit with those feelings and find a safe place to work through them.  Blindly going along with family norms because it gives an image of togetherness will not be beneficial.

    Accepting that your family is the way they are might be the first step in helping to free you to do the work of healing that is necessary.

    Accepting that you have the only relationship that might be possible to have with them is essential.

    You are not the reason for the problem. The fact that you noticed that the issue exist is proof that you are the one willing to make the change.

    Get the extended guide HERE

  • Forgiveness is not an abstract concept

    Forgiveness is not an abstract concept

    Forgiveness is not an abstract theological concept; rather, it’s an experience. Many teach this as a duty that people should ‘just do’, forgive and forget we often hear. However, few take the time to help the victim understands how to undertake the sometimes arduous journey into pardoning someone for the harm they did.
    Forgiveness is the kind of experience that can be life-changing.

    Get the MP3

    The conventional method of teaching forgiveness is problematic and often alienate those who are grappling with people who show no remorse. Sometimes before the hurt from yesterday has had time to heal, the cycle of pain continues. For many layers of pain makes forgiveness an unsettling topic. Helping individuals in this group needs awareness, time, care and sensitivity.

    I believe that for anyone to be successful at mercy, they have to decide on how they plan to let go of things that happened.

    Why would this be necessary?

    Forgiveness doesn’t start when something goes wrong, or when someone does something harmful to you. Absolution begins with a decision long before anyone does anything to you. It is a process of releasing yourself to let go of any wrong done to you by anyone.

    This kind of decision making takes a high level of self-awareness and self-reflection. Self-awareness happens through reading and being purposeful at self-evaluation. Nevertheless, some will still find it challenging to let go. Therefore, there needs to be room for people to allow the process to happen as it unfolds for them.

    For example, let’s consider the woman stuck in pain that the perpetrator refuses to acknowledge. Or the person who is dealing with an issue that will not receive validation because the perpetrator is deceased. For individuals in this category, the lack of validation can prove a real obstacle to pardon.

    Forgiveness and the wounded child

    We are often not taught how to forgive.
    Often the steps to successfully let go of hurtful events are learnt through trial and error. Usually, this process leaves damages.

    Also, sometimes, forgiveness was not modelled in the home. Many were beaten to the point of physical abuse when they did something wrong. In this atmosphere, a child would struggle to let go. Because letting go is not something we automatically know how to do. Letting go is learnt, through behaviours that significant adults modelled or through instruction.

    Let’s also consider the person treating the injuries caused by the hurt sustained by the narcissist or the wound the church refuses to acknowledge and use scripture to justify.

    An individual in this position can live in a perpetual place of hurt unsure of how to begin to forgive. Some in this position will attempt to let go but often struggle with the day to day challenges of remembering without the pain. Often individuals in this place feel inadequate or less worthy because they’ve failed in forgiving and forgetting.

    These and other situations highlight once again, that forgiveness is a dynamic process. It changes and grows as the person develops. It heals as they heal and gets a little easier each time. Therefore the individual in the example above will need to pursue healing as they attempt to absolve the person of the wrong they sustained.

    For those who try to muster enough energy to forgive without healing, finds it challenging. Forgiveness cannot be undertaken as an exercise out of guilt, nor can you consent to forgive out of fear. Trying to forgive without healing is unstainable. Attempting to pardon an offender without adequately addressing what they did to cause the injury will result in frustration and sometimes self -blame.

  • The Subtle Danger of Spiritual Abuse

    The Subtle Danger of Spiritual Abuse

    It is not easy to identify and escape the subtle manipulation of spiritual abuse. Many skilled in the word and also those new to God are vulnerable to the craftiness and control of an abuser.

    She was new to church, loved the Lord and anxious to find a place to serve. He was welcoming, kind and knew his bible ‘inside out’ she was impressed with his knowledge and took the opportunity to learn as much as she could from him. He was obliging and took the chance to ‘help’ her understand many scriptures that she grappled with and introduced her to concepts she’d never knew existed.

    She didn’t notice it at first, because the change was gradual. Slowly she lost her ability to say no. Each time she tried to disagree with a view or offer an opinion, he countered it with strong opposition coupled with scriptures to bolster the argument. She believed and accepted every word.

    Her confidence gradually disappeared as she tried to fit the image that he told her represented humility.

    She was taught to consider the needs of others and so was led to give up more than she ever taught was necessary.

    She often questions privately, but fears kept her silent. She was the only Christian in her family and didn’t trust that anyone outside of her church would understand. She was isolated from friends, and there was nowhere to share. Once she felt brave enough to share with an elder. He seemed to have similar knowledge of the bible and was a part of the church hierarchy. The matter quickly escalated to the pastor and a meeting date set.

    At the meeting, she got further instructions on how to be a good sister that reinforced the view that no one would understand. Maybe she imagined things, and it wasn’t that bad.

    Ten years later she was a shadow of her former self. She questions every thought and double check every decision. She struggles with anxiety and continuously doubt her worth.

    Her relationship with God never really formed. She served in many ministries but struggled to trust God. It was hard to believe He didn’t agree with the abuser. He used scriptures to bolster arguments on so many occasions; she was unsure what was right and what wasn’t. It was also hard to identify God’s voice from the voice of the abuser.

    Abuse such as this exist in many churches, and often people are unaware of where to go to get support.

    Here are some key points to consider.
     Always double check biblical explanations – try to get your answer from more than one source. Additionally, it is essential to read the bible for yourself. God will speak to you in the same way others claim He has spoken to them.

    Take time to develop your relationship with God. Learn to understand the unique way He speaks to you.

    Avoid cliques. Many churches are filled with groups, this is one way some might get trapped into relationships that are unhealthy.

    Trust your instincts.

    The effects of spiritual abuse are as harmful and lasting as any other forms of violence. If you can identify with this abuse seek the help of a trusted professional to assist you to heal from the effects of the damage.