Healing my Inner Child
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Healing my Inner Child

I get excited by the word of God on many occasions and for many different reasons, but I especially get excited when I find something in scripture that relates to emotional healing.  Something that speaks directly to the emotional and psychological impact of sin.   We can see provision throughout scripture for healing.   However, this particular verse excites because it talks about healing in the inner man. God has made provision for healing my inner child.  Isn’t that someone who thinks about everything, yes everything is covered.

Why do you still need healing for the child?

I am excited about Ephesians 3:16 because for so long I denied the pain of that hurt child, shame kept me busy and focused trying to shut out the pain that still lingered deep inside.  I had helped others confronted their wounded child and knew the importance of healing in this area but still continued to neglect my injured child.  Over time I learnt to work through and move on from shame.

Shame was the biggest obstacle to healing. However, the breakthrough came when I finally accepted that I had no need to be ashamed.  Sometimes we can view the hurt child through the eyes of a critical adult and therefore withhold love and acceptance.  Please note that if you relate to this that the critical voice is not your own.  We live in a society where sexual abuse is very prevalent, yet many deny it and as a result secrets fester in families and abusers have free reign.

Healing for the inner man

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, Eph. 3:16

This verse is a lifeline when plagued with memories.

The text offers comfort when I am in situations where I am faced with memories.   Ephesians 3:16 reinforces the belief that one day I will be completely restored.

Crucial points to do when healing my inner child

  1. I chose to be confident that the work of restoration will be completed
  2. I activate my self-care plan
  3. I access and use support

Having a self-care plan enables me to respond quickly to thoughts and feelings that will lead into the abyss of pain and suffering or the sometimes violent storm of confusion and despair.

You can read more about my healing journey through these blog post Healing from abuse and Can broken lives heal.

 

To Have Healing We Must Pursue It
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To Have Healing We Must Pursue It

I’ve spent over a decade working with people helping them to get through difficult periods in their lives, whether it is healing from sexual abuse, domestic abuse, rejection, feelings of abandonment or women whose husbands are in the grip of a sexual stronghold.  To walk alongside hurting people is one of my life’s purpose.  I learnt a lot from working with individuals of all backgrounds.  I have learnt that not everyone’s story is the same even though they share brokenness and sadness.

Although everyone story is unique unless you make the decision to pursue healing, it will not come.  I learnt that sometimes people are trapped in places that impact every area of their lives and affect every fibre of their being.

Many people spend years alone believing the lie that they can figure it out on their own, sometimes this myth shapes their interaction with everyone around them and significantly affects relationships.  The truth is you do not have to walk the path to healing alone.  You do not have to spend years alone, silently allowing the pain to define you.

Consider Abigail (not her real name) She was petite, beautiful and articulate.  As I begun the assessment, it was evident that she had a good grasp of her situation.

I knew from the beginning that she was not drinking two bottles of wine every day because she wanted to, my heart broke at the magnitude of the burden she had borne on her own up to that point.  I wanted to find a way to express my care and commitment to walking beside her but as the assessment progressed I noticed that my words took on an urgency that wasn’t  there before.  I felt my chest tightened as I sat forward in my chair.  I wanted desperately to reach her.  However, my urgent tone told me that I was losing her.

I had always prided myself on providing a calm, welcoming space where clients relaxed into and share willingly.  I felt this one was making every effort to resist my acceptance.  It was a dance she knew well; it was a well rehearse way of living.  She did not know how to change and felt she could not.  She had given up before she came.

I have met many individuals like her since, though they are not using alcohol they hide behind pride and shame unwilling to allow themselves out of the self-imposed darkness.

That is why THE JOURNEY BACK FROM BROKEN is so important; it will help you tackle these preconceived ideas and challenged all that you have ever heard about shame, fear and guilt.  Healing is sometimes not a journey to walk alone, and so we also provide group support and extensive one to one support for those who would like more input.  We will talk more about that tomorrow.

Healing Through Painful Memories
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Healing Through Painful Memories

As humans sometimes we like things neatly packaged.  We love happy endings, and perhaps that is why people like to placate with words such as ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel’.  There is light we just do not know what colour it will be.  Sometimes when things happen there will not always be the sweet ending that we envisage it will be.  Because God will answer our prayers the way, He knows best.   When I went through therapy for abuse, I wanted my past erased and memories of every early childhood trauma forgotten.

Praying to Forgot

For a while, I tried to deny the memories, but I couldn’t deny the abuse,  Dr Dan B. Allender said ‘the road from denial lead through the swamp of memories’.  It was clear that if I wanted to heal I had to stop denying the past and find a way to work through and process each memory as they come.

When we are in denial, it is automatic to try and ignore, stuff down or try to disregard unwanted memories.  However, when we shun them, we will miss out on learning the lessons they were meant to teach and sabotage our healing.  I wanted my childhood to be neat, and without any harrowing experiences to remind me of an event I tried to forget.   A significant portion of my anger focused on the fact that whenever I told stories about my childhood, memories of abuse would intrude and I hated that.

Eventually, I had to accept the truth of my past and allow myself the room to grow through and heal from the hurt.   Accepting that my childhood was different didn’t lessen my value as an individual.  In times like this shame can rare its ugly head and people fight memories to shield themselves from embarrassment.

As I think of my journey I have to think of the sum of the whole, I am healed overall. However, there are days when I have to confront painful memories.  There are times when I have to engage with them, and I have to pray through, talk through or read something about what is happening.  I have often found that when certain memories surface the Lord wants my attention so that I can deal with another piece of the puzzle that will enable me to fully and completely move on.  Though there is no neat ending or cut off point the sum of the whole means that God will choose to put the puzzle back together in a way that you will make you shine.  He will strengthen you in Him so that even on those days when you have to engage with memories they won’t break you, even when you have to cry and pray through and talk through and do what is necessary to strengthen yourself in Him again to move on He will be there.

So it is not the ending that perhaps we have been sold but it is one where God is always there, and He will never leave nor forsake you.

 

 

 

 

 

The Language we cry in
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The Language we cry in

It was an unusually warm day for spring, and as we made our way over the hill behind the Hearse, our attention was firmly fixed on the figure walking closest to the vehicle.  Sorrow was evident in her tears and body language; she cried that deep moan that only comes from a place that knew pain.   A place of peace that was suddenly interrupted by sadness, the grief was raw with the shock of unexpected tragedy.  She mourned unashamedly.

I was happy that she felt free enough to express her grief so openly, in a society where public displays of emotions are rare.   After the ceremony, one guest chidingly said, be brave for your children.  The widow explained that her grief showed strength as she was mourning the loss of her husband.  It was important to show her children that she loved and will miss their dad.   She was comfortable with being vulnerable.  She showed strength through one of the most difficult things we will face, the death of a loved one.  Her children learnt a valuable lesson; it is ok to cry.

Everyone deals with grief in a different way, some feel free enough to grieve, while others repress and use things, work, friends, substance and even the children to cover the pain of their loss.

They are individuals who are frightened of the intensity of the emotions and try to neatly package it in one of the compartments of their lives, hoping it will go away and they will never have to face it again.  Afraid that if accessed it will consume them.

However tears are refreshing and cleansing, it helps to move emotions that been blocked and can free the individual.  It develops strength and courage.

 I believe that it takes a healthy person to take the risk to allow feelings to come to the surface, as opposed to taking the easy way out and shut down.

There are many self-protecting and numbing behaviours that are practised to stop feeling.   Some are using substances to control or anaesthetize pain, they choose to exist rather than take the chance at addressing the suffering and live.  Alcohol is almost an epidemic many countries and government spends vast sums every year treating people who have an alcohol related illness.

Another issue is the global growing debt crisis, where many are spending more than they earn some to deaden, shut down or silence a voice they cannot allow through.  Likewise, work and even religious activities are all things that are sometimes used to sedate and repress pain.

Jesus was speaking to His disciples and John’s disciples after the death of John, said to the ones perhaps confused by their loss, ‘come apart and rest awhile’.  His actions tell me that He understands human suffering and cares about our grief. Isaiah 53:4 Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering.

What language do you cry in?

Can you identify with anything above? Do you need to find your desert place and rest?  How do you deal with grief?  Whether the loss of someone physically, the loss of an ideal, unmet expectations or trauma.  What is your default? Do you take care of it or bury it?

The way you cry will depend on what you learnt in your family or early life.  The message taught then will echo throughout you life unless handled.

Were you able to discuss problems and concerns openly?  Were you able to voice your concerns and have them listened to?

Let Go

Unless you allow yourself the uncomfortableness of change to heal, you will repeat the same patterns.  The person who cannot cry has had to cut off that part of them that feels; as a result, they become hardened, callous and lacking in empathy and struggles with the connection.   To connect with others, we have to be able to love and value ourselves.  We cannot give to someone what we cannot offer ourselves.  To cut off that part of you means you will also lack sympathy for yourself.  Additionally, you cannot successfully disconnect from negative feelings without also severing connections with positive emotions.  The result; joy and laughter and peace will also elude you, and you are left feeling miserable.

Nevertheless, patterns habits can be unlearned and new ones formed. You can develop healthier habits that will enable you to learn a different more robust language to cry in, one that will free you and allow you to move on in freedom and peace.