Forgetting what is Behind
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Forgetting what is Behind

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead Phillippians 3:13  (NIV)

I was listening to yet another message asking us to forget those things which are behind, forget the past and move towards the future.  I was maybe sensitive, but I cannot hear this message without feeling a little tender, defensive even.  Perhaps its because I love details, I want more information.  How do I do forget the past?  Sometimes that can be a massive undertaking.  The past has had an enormous impact on my life.  Though I do not dwell on the specifics of what happened to me, I have to deal with the consequences of those incidents.  I have had to be intentional in how I live, love and interact with others.  So though I do not dwell on the past, its effects frequently affect my present.

Straining Toward what is Ahead

As we enter 2017, I chose a theme for my life that will help me put this verse in practice and better manage the impact of the past.  I was able to do this because I have taken the time to process the effects of my pain.  I have not hidden from the hurt of abuse or pretend that it did not wreak havoc in my life.  It stole my joy for a long time and were it not for God, a good therapist and amazing friends who supported and loved me I would not have made this much progress.  I also had to be intentional in my choices, and that is my theme for 2017.  I will be intentional in how I Live, Love and Work.  There are many components to this idea, but for now, I will be intentional in choosing to look after and nurture myself.  I will honestly assess where I am and make conscious decisions about how to proceed.

Forgetting what is behind 

Sometimes we are bombarded by the message of forgetting the past, and I know many like me struggle with it.  Therefore it is so much more important that we process what has kept us in the past and take the necessary steps to ensure 2017 is different?   Three Things for a different 2017

 Three Things that will guarantee change in 2017

  • Be intentional – Make the decision to love yourself, prioritise self-care and make conscious efforts to nurture those parts of you that needs it.
  • Be decisive – There may be many things, people, or remnants of past hurts that have followed you around for years that you know needs letting go, however, until now, you were unsure of how to do it.  Lean into the fear and make the cut.  Yes, that’s right JUST DO IT.  It may seem a little daunting now, but the relief that will come as a result will far surpass the nerves.
  • Be prepared to not only listen but hear  – Honesty is important especially to you.  Take a moment and listen to your heart.  Turn off all the noise, the music, the telephone, social media and spend the time to listen to what your heart is saying.  In this space of silence that thing that you have drone out for years will come through, do not be afraid of it listen and make a decision to tackle it so that the next time you hear ‘forget those things which are behind’ you can smile, straighten your spine and exhale.

 

The Impact of Early Childhood Abuse on Relationships
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The Impact of Early Childhood Abuse on Relationships

Unprocessed early childhood trauma can have a long-lasting impact for many years; this can reach into adulthood and even influence the next generation. How do we tackle the effects of abuse to ensure that its range is limited and the damage curtailed?

As I went through therapy for the injury, I had to face the many ways early childhood trauma coloured my relationships and the effect it was having on my marriage.  At the time of my therapy, we were also getting support for our relationship, some issues related to the abuse some unrelated.  Nevertheless, it woke me up to the realisation that I had developed some unhealthy behaviors that had a lot of negative impact throughout the years.  Needless to say, my relationships had suffered damage.  Some were redeemable other isn’t.  After publishing my CD with ten stories of healing a friend text with feedback.  She said I understand you so much better now.  Hearing my journey enabled her to put my behaviour in context.  Her feedback stung as well as and I had to resist the urge to think that I was supposed to be perfect and therefore shouldn’t have anything to work through.

These are some of the things I found consistent in my life and the lives of people that I come in contact with that has also overcome childhood trauma.

Trust

I delved deeper into issues of trust HERE

Dependency or co-dependency

I have to be mindful of the temptation to become co-dependent, you are needed, and you need people to need you.  It’s a vicious cycle that can trap you into toxic relationships with unsafe boundaries.

Guilt

Guilt makes us do things we do not want to do, but because we become people pleasers we have an inherent lack of boundaries and develop co-dependency.  Trapped in a cycle of rescuer, victim, persecutor

The Likeability Factor

Sometimes the feeling here is if I do what people want then they will like me.  I want them to like me. Therefore, I will do what they want.  But how about living in a space where you set appropriate boundaries, live in your purpose and not worry about being liked.   This kind of confidence may sound scary so let me comfort you a little. For the most part, people will respect you even if they do not know how to or is not willing to say it.  Your boundaries will be clear for all to see and it will give you peace and comfort.

 

Forgiving is not Forgetting
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Forgiving is not Forgetting

I had heard enough and wanted to leave, but decided to give him another chance just to see whether he would say anything about the pain that may influence unforgiveness.  I was sitting under another sermon that was imploring us to forgive and forget.  The speaker was extolling the virtues of forgiveness all of which I agree with by the way.  However, when people are talking about forgiveness they tend to leave out crucial information that is relevant to the person expecting to forgive.  The message of forgiving and forgetting can be damaging.

In my many years of working with individuals around healing, there is not many that refused to forgive.  In fact, many embraces the idea of pardoning perpetrators of their hurt.   The block seems to show up when they remember and still experience pain.  Often speakers omit to encourage people to process the pain.  I agree that Forgiveness is not an option Nevertheless when we talk about this topic we have a responsibility to teach people how to move on from the hurt and suffering.  Sometimes this message is given in a cold way totally alien to the way Jesus dealt with the issue.  How do we help people forgive and remember without the pain,  Is it possible to remember and not hurt?  You can heal from any pain or damage and move on free and unhindered by the past.

Forgiving is not Forgetting

Remembering without the pain is possible when you chose not to ignore the impact of your experiences but allow yourself the freedom to grow through them.   Talking through your hurt will have an immediate impact on your relationships, it will influence how you feel about yourself and change the way you relate to others.  Pursuing healing is not limiting it takes strength and courage to seek healing to stay with the process and enjoy a full and abundant life that God design for you.  Here is an example of what it will look like when you step out.

Help to Move On

If you would like to chance to talk about the steps, you will need to take to begin your journey  schedule a FREE 20mins coaching session with Joanna here: calendly.com/joanna-12

Stories can be Dangerous or Liberating
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Stories can be Dangerous or Liberating

I love stories they are captivating.  I remember becoming spellbound by my first book because I loved the language the writer used to tell the story.  I was about 8/9 but quickly progressed to reading two books most days.   Sometimes I read all night often telling myself I will go to sleep following the next page or the next chapter.

I am not alone stories are big business, movies which are primarily a story acted out makes billions of dollars every year.  It is safe to say a large part of the population love stories.

Stories are fun, intriguing or gritty; However, they become dangerous when we compose false narratives about other people’s lives.  Or write stories about our lives based on what others say.   When we craft a plot filled with negative messages and prop those up with negative rules we are trapped in a cycle of disappear often telling ourselves there is no way out, no one loves me; I am unlovable… the list can go on.

Have you ever had to deal with a situation where someone has formulated a story about you and your life and tried to pass it off as the truth?  They have some data that they consider facts and fill the blanks with imaginary information and convinced themselves that this is your life.  Recently, I had to deal with such a story, the storyteller struggled to give up her position and tried to impose on me her view of who I should be as a mother.  Fortunately, I was able to reject her ideas.  However, many find it hard to shrug off people’s stories about them.

Society, the family and the church also tell stories; they suggest how we should relate to pain and suffering and what is an acceptable way of mourning or dealing with trauma.  Sometimes we consciously and unconsciously conform to these stereotypes and deny ourselves the freedom to mourn our loss, grieve, or deal with the pain of brokenness.  We, therefore, adopt a façade,  accepts societies definition of strength and deny ourselves the freedom to move through painful places.  We feel the unnerving gaze of society, and shrink from the opportunity to indulge in vulnerability put our heads above the parapet and declare that we are hurting.

As a result, many do not get the help that they need and unfortunately suffer in silence.  The impact of this internal suffering sometimes colour our interpersonal relationships and influence our communication with children, partners and those around us.  To survive many develop a narrative that sees them conforming to societies ideas of who they should be.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to break free or to live your life free from the stories that other people shape for you? I told my story here

If you would like to tell your story and live authentically send me an email at Joanna@woundstoscars.com, we have several programs tailored to specific outcomes that will give you the power to craft your adventure and tell your story your way.