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At my last retreat, ran on behalf of WhelUK , we went walking through the woods. I was excited about the many objects lessons that we would find.  Whilst not consciously looking for anything in particular,  I found many nuggets to share.  We were refreshed and revived for the time spent in the fresh air and sunshine, our minds were cleared and we were able to appreciate the beauty of the outdoors.

Among the many lessons that we learnt that day, one stood out.  This one message was so clear, I had to emphasise its importance.  This was poignant as it stood in contrast to how our society is today.

Individuals are minding their own business, keeping their heads down, missing precious opportunities to be available to others around us.  Some hesitate unsure whether the help will be accepted.  The sad result is isolation and and a lonely existence for many.

I have never forgotten the gentleman I worked with many years ago, he was very lonely and isolated, he had no friends to speak of knew anyone who would willingly spend time with him.   He came to the agency daily and attended all our groups.  We closed for the Christmas holidays and returned to work to the news that he had hanged himself.   I was surprised at his funeral to see a chapel filled to capacity with people, many of whom were crying and others talking about how wonderful he was. (more…)

When I showed my husband the title of this blog, his perplexed expression communicated his thoughts clearly.  He finally said ‘Love does not hurt.’  His tone confirmed his confusion.  I quickly added that agape love does not hurt.  I believe that relationships based on agape love will restorative and affirming not seek to cause pain and suffering.  However, many people enter relationships with less that self-less motives and result hurt and confusion causes havoc in someone else life.  Jesus advises husbands to love their wives as He; Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.

However, there are unfortunate instances when love does hurt.  Love hurts when a wife; rosy with the expectations of a new life finds herself alone on her wedding night trying to work through what went wrong between walking down the aisle and the trip to the hotel. Abandon, alone, confused, afraid to face the possibility that her tomorrows will follow a similar pattern.

When does love hurts

Love hurts when a woman joins a family with children, routine, family values and their culture.   The cherished hope of being ‘the woman’ in the home gets quickly dashed. Instead, she is greeted by resentful children, spiteful in-laws, and an indulgent partner, trying to appease everyone, except her.   Love hurts when she finds herself on the outside looking in.  This woman can spend many years feeling alone and lonely in a family.  Her opinions are unheeded and suggestions repulsed.  However, she is expected to conform and may even be told to submit.  She is alone afraid of sharing her situation, fearful they may seem trivial to the outsider.  She battles on her own isolated, forlorn, confused and dejected.

Love hurts when the innocence of childhood and youth is stolen through someone else’s lack of self-control and evil actions.  The awakening and callous disregard for this fragile gift change their world forever.  Love hurts when the adult becomes aware of this once more and freefalls into the abyss of pain, shame, hurt, despair and misery.

Love hurts when the church disregards emotional pain and bandages it with condemning words and unreasonable expectations.  Love hurts when perpetrators are protected, and victims are blamed.

Love hurts when parents do not put effective boundaries in place, and children grow into adults picking up the pieces of disorder and dysfunction.  The fragments of ineffective parenting skills, unsafe boundaries, chaos and inherited tendencies, which has the potential to destroy the adult.

The ideal that we have in scripture teaches us that love does no harm to his neighbour, its first peaceable and kind.  Love, true love considers the interest of others better than oneself.  Where and when did it all go wrong?  How have we moved so far away from the ideal to the place where the world seems an unsafe and hostile place to many.

Here are THREE things to do if you are going through the pain of hurt from a loved one.

1.Trust how you feel, accept the truth about your intuition and feelings around.  Awareness and acceptance are crucial to asking for help and support.

2. Ask for help; I cannot overstate this key steps.  Sometimes guilt and a sense of failure can prevent us from asking for help, but I want to encourage you to reach out for help.  There are many people; professionals and laymen who will be able to empathise and walk with you through the difficult places.

3. Avoid negative people; this includes the well-meaning ones who thinks they have a better understanding of your life and pain than you do.  The ones who are free with their advice and instructions and does not demonstrate and model the love of Christ.

I still recall vividly the first time I read Stormie Omartian’s ‘Lord I want to be whole’, this was at the beginning of my journey into looking at and reading about emotional well-being.  I was amazed to find that a christian author was so open and addressed many issues around emotional well being through her own testimony.  I read the book twice and introduced it to many.

This was an awakening for me, it was almost like walking in fog and suddenly it disappears and I could clearly see.  I had questions, many questions.  I needed answers such as; why wasn’t these issues addressed in the church at large.  There was this resounding silence around the area of emotional health.  There seemed to be an almost unspoken agreement that no one will talk about it.  The lie that emotional health is not affecting scores of people gets perpetrated over and over again.   However after reading ‘Lord I want to be whole’ I was unable to be silenced, I talked about it every chance I got.  Unfortunately my subject seemed to not resonate with anyone and I find a kind of cold reception to my enthusiasm.  That was until at a friends wedding I met someone who identified with my  passion and who shared my concerns.  We have not met since but I have kept going, talking about emotional health and the importance of recognising and addressing issues that impacts us.   There is an ever increasing body of evidence that suggest that many physical illnesses are as a result of repress emotional trauma.  It is believed that emotional pain buried from the pass can result in many auto immune illnesses. (more…)