It can be difficult to admit there is a breach in our parenting. It is never comfortable to concede that we struggle to meet the emotional needs of our children. Not many will own this fact to themselves or anyone else. It takes courage to begin to tackle such a profoundly sensitive issue. However, the past plays a significant role in our present and future, for example, the person who has had a difficult childhood could repeat some of the same mistakes if they do not give themselves permission to heal from the pain. Difficulties in childhood could be the reason for the gap.
Before we talk about how to meet the relational needs of your children, let us discuss your needs. When were you a child who met your needs for attention, affection, comfort and support?
For example, my grandmother met my need for love and care. Though I was an adult when she died, I mourned because I missed the person who made me feel special.
If you cannot think of positive examples from primary caregivers, a relationship like mine with my grandmother could be the model that you draw on. It will be the type that you use to guide you on how to begin to heal the disconnect you identify in the relationship with your children. Sometimes when we reminisce we may remember a neighbour, a friendly family, a friends home that provided sanctuary or the worker who took particular interest in you. These relationships could be a starting place when you begin to think about who provided and met your relational needs.
Sometimes I know we are good at providing the physical and spiritual support that children need, but it becomes a little bit more daunting to provide the environment where they feel secure enough to share their hearts with parents.
Here are some tips that you can start to use in your parenting today!
- Offer comfort or affection – communicate to them that they are loved regardless of mistakes
- Show appreciation for the things that they do
- Give attention this will demonstrate specialness. Children love attention, whether it’s the talkative extrovert or quiet introvert find ways to show them special attention and watch them blossom.
- Show respect in tone and attitude; this helps them feel valued and teach them how to respect themselves and others.
- Give encouragement and support when they are attempting something new or setting goals.
- Children value security/safety it demonstrates; you will not leave whatever I do you will always be around.
Perhaps you can identify the one that if improved would help your child begin to feel loved.
If you are struggling
Here is an example, how does your child demonstrate the need for security? Or attention, they may be a sudden or gradual shift in behaviour, this could be their way of saying I need attention. How about making an effort to have one to one particular time, wash the dishes together or play their favourite game with them. You could read a book together or go on a special shopping trip, just the two of you.
To learn how you can identify and work through the difficulties you encounter in childhood join our four-week course Parenting After Childhood Trauma Additionally, join our private Facebook group Wounds That Heal for weekly teachings and resources that will help you on your healing journey.