I hate being late. I am also a bit impatient and have really high standards for myself. I cannot remember when those expectations were set; I just remembered the day I realised that I was spending my time trying very hard to reach a bar that was so high it was unattainable. My bar became unreachable because I kept changing what success looked and felt like. I added more and more things to the list of what would finally make me happy.
Until one day in a CBT workshop, my tutor made a remark that changed the course of my internal dialogue. At the time, I disagreed with his assessment but the reflector in me would not let it go. I usually think about what people say sift it through the truth of what I know about myself and what God says about me. on this occasion, I had to admit that he was on to something. His statement was true because these phrases had characterised so much of my life, they had become a part of my self-talk. I knew better but somehow was not living the truth that I knew.
A lot of my self-talk was characterised by these phrases ‘must, should, have to, what if and if only’
I have to arrive on time; my reports must be the best, what if it is not the best. If only I had done this or that. It was relentless, I never had time to enjoy my accomplishments or bask in any compliment because what if would follow very swiftly and self-analysis would begin. I had to identify and uproot what was influencing my negative self-talk. Additionally, as I listened to clients and people around me I discovered that this discourse was common among many.
What is driving must statements?
Cultural expectation – For some, cultural expectation is a big influencing factor. I have spoken to many women locked in untenable situations but do not feel they have a voice or an opinion because culture is dictating that they must support an extended family, stay in an abusive relationship, attend a certain university, and stay in a certain career.
Family values – these are passed down from generation to generation, they are sometimes expectations that are limiting, stressful and do not allow you to shape your own world view. I know this one is difficult and hard to own as you are reading this through those very lenses that I am challenging. Nevertheless, as opposed to thinking what if I do not meet my family’s expectation and consider I would like to meet my families expectations. This option gives you the opportunity to make different choices.
Promises that you made to yourself – growing up I am sure a lot of us make promises to ourselves that we try very hard to keep, these are indeed dear to us, however, when they become I must or I have to then it is time to change and form a new way of looking at those promises. For example, as opposed to I must keep this promise. How about I would like to keep this promise, the difference is the latter gives you room to plan and execute. The former brings stress, inability to think and the unlikely hood of keeping said promises.
Unfulfilled expectation – this is one that we sometimes project onto others, it is very prevalent in marriages. It keeps a score card of things you have not done and therefore you must do something else to make up for it.
If the above is challenging and hard to accept think about the freedom you will experience when you begin to make changes. As I am writing this I am tempted by my own self-talk, I tempted to think I must finish this before my next client calls. But I choose instead to say I would like to complete this post before my next client. The latter statement gave me room to think about what else I could do in order to meet my deadline. I was able to plan and have a strategy in place that may work to help me. The difference is it has a less urgent message and I feel more relaxed.