It was an unusually warm day for spring, and as we made our way over the hill behind the Hearse, our attention was firmly fixed on the figure walking closest to the vehicle. Sorrow was evident in her tears and body language; she cried that deep moan that only comes from a place that knew pain. A place of peace that was suddenly interrupted by sadness, the grief was raw with the shock of unexpected tragedy. She mourned unashamedly.
I was happy that she felt free enough to express her grief so openly, in a society where public displays of emotions are rare. After the ceremony, one guest chidingly said, be brave for your children. The widow explained that her grief showed strength as she was mourning the loss of her husband. It was important to show her children that she loved and will miss their dad. She was comfortable with being vulnerable. She showed strength through one of the most difficult things we will face, the death of a loved one. Her children learnt a valuable lesson; it is ok to cry.
Everyone deals with grief in a different way, some feel free enough to grieve, while others repress and use things, work, friends, substance and even the children to cover the pain of their loss.
They are individuals who are frightened of the intensity of the emotions and try to neatly package it in one of the compartments of their lives, hoping it will go away and they will never have to face it again. Afraid that if accessed it will consume them.
However tears are refreshing and cleansing, it helps to move emotions that been blocked and can free the individual. It develops strength and courage.
I believe that it takes a healthy person to take the risk to allow feelings to come to the surface, as opposed to taking the easy way out and shut down.
There are many self-protecting and numbing behaviours that are practised to stop feeling. Some are using substances to control or anaesthetize pain, they choose to exist rather than take the chance at addressing the suffering and live. Alcohol is almost an epidemic many countries and government spends vast sums every year treating people who have an alcohol related illness.
Another issue is the global growing debt crisis, where many are spending more than they earn some to deaden, shut down or silence a voice they cannot allow through. Likewise, work and even religious activities are all things that are sometimes used to sedate and repress pain.
Jesus was speaking to His disciples and John’s disciples after the death of John, said to the ones perhaps confused by their loss, ‘come apart and rest awhile’. His actions tell me that He understands human suffering and cares about our grief. Isaiah 53:4 Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering.
What language do you cry in?
Can you identify with anything above? Do you need to find your desert place and rest? How do you deal with grief? Whether the loss of someone physically, the loss of an ideal, unmet expectations or trauma. What is your default? Do you take care of it or bury it?
The way you cry will depend on what you learnt in your family or early life. The message taught then will echo throughout you life unless handled.
Were you able to discuss problems and concerns openly? Were you able to voice your concerns and have them listened to?
Let Go
Unless you allow yourself the uncomfortableness of change to heal, you will repeat the same patterns. The person who cannot cry has had to cut off that part of them that feels; as a result, they become hardened, callous and lacking in empathy and struggles with the connection. To connect with others, we have to be able to love and value ourselves. We cannot give to someone what we cannot offer ourselves. To cut off that part of you means you will also lack sympathy for yourself. Additionally, you cannot successfully disconnect from negative feelings without also severing connections with positive emotions. The result; joy and laughter and peace will also elude you, and you are left feeling miserable.
Nevertheless, patterns habits can be unlearned and new ones formed. You can develop healthier habits that will enable you to learn a different more robust language to cry in, one that will free you and allow you to move on in freedom and peace.