A few years ago, while analysing the traffic on my website, woundstoscars.com, I discovered that one of the most common queries was: “How do I manage my emotions after receiving negative feedback?” This question speaks volumes. It reveals that many people struggle under the weight of words spoken to them—sometimes carelessly, sometimes with malice, and sometimes unfairly. If you find feedback difficult to process, please know this: you are not weak; you are simply human.
Dealing with emotions after negative feedback is one of the toughest challenges we face. Feedback is not always given from a place of kindness or care; sometimes it stems from bitterness, jealousy, or another person’s unresolved issues. Despite the source, the words can still hurt and leave a mark.
Here is a truth to hold on to: when you are secure in your sense of self, negative feedback cannot uproot you. While it may still sting, it will not destabilise you. For this reason, it is vital to focus on two key tools: harnessing the power of positive self-talk and setting realistic, measurable expectations and goals. Together, these keep you grounded, even when feedback is unfair or poorly delivered.
Recognising the Source of Negative Feedback
We are often encouraged to “take feedback on board,” and there is usually something valuable in what is said. However, discernment is crucial. Not every piece of negative feedback is intended to help you grow. At times, people offer criticism to undermine your confidence, shift your foundation, or reduce a perceived threat. Their actions may be rooted in intimidation or envy, particularly if you possess qualities they lack. Instead of addressing these feelings internally, they project them outward.
Understanding this is important because not all feedback deserves equal consideration. Additionally, negative feedback is not always communicated verbally. Research indicates that a large percentage of communication is non-verbal, expressed through facial expressions, body language, tone, exclusion, or subtle behaviours. I experienced this early in my career.
“I Am Not a Victim”: A Workplace Lesson
In my first job working in addictions, my manager made it abundantly clear—without direct words—that she did not like me. There was no confrontation or explicit criticism; instead, her message came through in every other way, and it was undoubtedly deliberate.
During that period, I found a poem that began, “I am not a victim.” Those words resonated with me. I printed them out and placed them on my computer where I could see them daily. I resolved not to internalise her behaviour or adopt a victim mentality. Instead, I chose to believe in my own skills, trust in what I brought to the role, extract what was constructive from feedback (even if indirect), and reject what was damaging.
Eventually, my manager noticed the words on my screen and borrowed them. Over time, however, my attitude towards her shifted, and so did the atmosphere. Her behaviour softened; while she never became fond of me, the dynamic improved, and the environment became healthier. This experience taught me a valuable lesson: positive self-talk does not change others directly, but it transforms you—and that changes everything.
Positive Self-Talk: Focusing on Truth, Not Arrogance
To clarify, positive self-talk is not about deceiving yourself, ignoring reality, or being arrogant. It is about affirming what is true. There are likely many positive truths about you: you may be loyal, dependable, organised, compassionate, hardworking, a good parent, a good employee or employer, or someone who supports others.
Yet, we often fixate on a single negative comment, rehearsing it repeatedly and allowing it to overshadow all other truths about ourselves. This is where positive self-talk becomes an act of resistance.
However, there are many obstacles to developing and maintaining positive self talk.
Learning From Challenging Experiences
Several years ago, I delivered a talk that I honestly believe was among my worst. Despite being well-prepared, when I stood to speak, my notes felt useless, my mouth went dry, and my mind froze. Afterwards, my inner dialogue spiralled: “What impression did I make? Will they want to hear from me again? Will they read my work?” Instead of dwelling on these thoughts, I redirected my focus and asked, “What can I learn from this?” My takeaway was practical: next time I would use PowerPoint slides instead of relying solely on memory or paper notes.
Interestingly, many attendees approached me afterwards to thank me, request my card, and share that I had given them much to think about. Both things were true: it was not my best performance, but it still provided value. That is significant.
Setting Realistic Goals to Counter Negative Self-Talk
One reason negative automatic thoughts become overwhelming is that we often set unrealistic goals for ourselves and others. We raise expectations so high that failure seems inevitable, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy or disappointment. This cycle can become self-fulfilling.
The solution is to establish realistic, measurable goals.
Nurturing Change Gradually
Positive self-talk does not develop instantly; it is cultivated over time, much like planting a seed. You place the seed in the soil, water it, protect it from weeds, and provide light. When the first shoot appears, you nurture it further. Begin with small steps. For me, this means preparing visual aids when I present.
Adopting SMART and Kind Goals
Whether at home or work, make your goals specific, measurable, and realistic, and set a time frame. If work becomes overwhelming, plan tasks with realistic timing, eliminate distractions, and create conditions for success rather than failure. If home life feels chaotic, ask for support, adjust your expectations, and implement systems that encourage rather than shame.
As your thoughts change, your feelings follow. When your feelings improve, so can your physical health. This truly is a win-win situation.
Conclusion
Negative feedback does not define you. Ultimately, you decide what to accept, what to reject, what to learn from, and what to let go.
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