You are enough just as you are and you don’t have to work to change anyone’s opinion of you.
I know this is easier said than done, but self-acceptance is a crucial part of healing. When we can accept who we are, it limits thoughts of not being enough, and we will not be tempted to try to change ourselves so that people will find us more acceptable.
However, believing that we are enough starts with us. It requires a mindset shift. Deciding to settle into the truth of who you are now. Not when you’ve lost weight, gained weight or change anything about you.
That is radical self-acceptance, and you are worth the effort.
Your willingness to prove to people that you are likeable and worthy probably stems from feelings of inadequacy learnt early in life. These feelings may be rooted in many things such as attachment injuries, trauma or rejection.
Sometimes cultural messages around worth may send the message that you have to perform to be liked.
Co-dependency
Co-dependency occurs when we need people to need us. This pattern can be so ingrained it can be challenging to spot. Sometimes people in your life support this practice because it serves them.
When this pattern exists in relationships, your focus is not on building connections based on your worth. Those in this category do not feel that they have any worth. You might derive your value from what you can give, the people that you can help and not that people love and want to be in contact with you because they value you and your input.
There is a real sense of lack of worth among this group, and the unconscious message might suggest that the only way to increase that worth is by finding ways to fix other people’s problems.
At the subconscious level, you might try to be the go-to, the person with the answers because then you will feel worthy of having their friendship.
This habit was not developed over time and encouraged by those who benefit from your pattern.
You do not have to solve problems, fix peoples life and be the go-to person to be worthy. You are worthy of love and respect just because you exist.
You are loved and valued, and the person who cannot accept you just for you is better off not being in your life.
It might take a while, but when you internalise this message of worth, it will enable you to make significant changes that will cause a lasting impact.
Boundaries
As you begin to change, an excellent way to identify if someone likes your pattern and uses it as a way to get what they want is to start to put boundaries in place. The people who become angry and pushes against your boundaries benefited from your co-dependent behaviour and now cannot tolerate change.
Those behaviours will help highlight the people that will not accept you for who you are. Just as you benefited from being needed, they also enjoyed the feeling of having someone fix all their problems.
Often we cannot see the need for change on our own; we need someone to reflect this pattern to us. You can gain insight through education. Get clued up by reading, attending workshops or seminars that help with the tools for self-reflection.
If you notice co-dependent patterns in your relationships it doesn’t mean that you are not enough, it doesn’t prove that you are stupid or any of the negative words I hear others use to describe themselves when they come to this realisation.
Please know that you are humans, and as a human, we respond to situations is a variety of ways. Sometimes our environment teaches us how to respond. I.e. the people that are around us do things a certain way. And therefore, we adopt their way of doing things.
When you discover unhealthy patterns, at first anger might be the appropriate emotion; however; violence is not a place to linger for too long.
As an emotional response, it limits your ability to think logically and make decisions
If you need people to need you when they don’t need you any more, you might experience a range of emotions. Such as;
Anger
Shame
Sadness
bitterness
You might feel like you lost your sense of purpose.
You might find creative ways to ensure that you stay in your position of being needed.
Some people use alcohol to soothe the emptiness created through change.
Others use drugs
Porn
Anything that helps to shut the emotions down and help you to cope
If you need people to need you and they don’t, it could present an identity crisis
Your sole purpose will be to figure out what makes them work and do that. It just that people are changeable their emotions change as they grow, trying to anticipate their every need will be exhausting. You will run into problems of anger either way,
You will arrive at the place where you expect them to return the favour and they won’t be able to do so because they can’t see your need.
Mindset
To successfully let go of the unhealthy habits and embrace the idea of being enough, you will need to have a mindset shift.
I know this is a word bandied about recently as everyone is talking about if you visual it then it becomes a reality.
Being able to visualise the new you is going to be helpful, but there are a few things that you will have to do to ensure that you take it one step further.
Affirmations
Practising daily positive affirmations will help you to begin to change the way you think about yourself and embrace a new reality. Telling yourself positive things every day will have an enormous effect on helping you to believe that you are worthy and do not have to perform to be liked.
Believe what the bible says about you and internalise these truths
Tell yourself the truth. The truth will always triumph, write five facts about you and place them where you will be able to see them every day. Tell yourself these truths as often as you need to create change.
Create distance between you and the people who enabled this pattern. Change has more chance of succeeding when they are no longer in your life.