When a Christian woman finally reaches the point where she discloses that she is domestic abuse, it is often after years of suffering in silence. Statistics show that it takes an average of 3.1 years for a woman to disclose abuse, but for Christian women, this number is often higher due to cultural and theological factors.
Moreover, research indicates that it can take many years for a Christian woman to leave an abusive marriage, even after recognising the abuse. When pastors lack training in how to respond appropriately, the consequences can be devastating.
Here are seven ways pastors often fail Christian women who disclose abuse—and how we can change this.
- Lack of Training in Understanding Abuse
One of the most common ways pastors fail women who disclose abuse is through a lack of training on what abuse looks like, particularly emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse is not always physical, and emotional abuse often leaves no visible scars. Many pastors are unfamiliar with the nuances of manipulative behaviours such as gaslighting, control, or isolation, which can cause just as much harm as physical violence.
Without proper training, pastors may not recognise abuse when it’s described to them, leading them to downplay the situation or offer harmful advice, such as “be more patient” or “pray for your husband to change.”
2. Minimising the Abuse
A woman who has finally found the courage to disclose abuse is often met with disbelief or minimising statements from her pastor. Comments like “He doesn’t seem like that kind of man,” “Are you sure you’re not exaggerating?” or “Maybe you’re just misinterpreting things” can make a victim feel even more isolated and trapped.
Abusive men, particularly those with narcissistic traits, are often charming and well-liked in public, making it easy for those on the outside to doubt the victim’s experience. This lack of understanding leads to further emotional harm, as the woman may feel no one understands her position as people who love her husband invalidate her experiences and feelings.
3. Prioritising the Institution of Marriage Over the Woman’s Safety
Pastors often place a strong emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, and while marriage is indeed sacred, a woman’s safety and well-being should be a priority. Too often, pastors encourage women to stay in abusive marriages, citing vows and Biblical teachings on commitment.
The message that a woman must endure abuse for the sake of preserving her marriage can leave her feeling spiritually trapped and disconnected from a loving God who wants her to live in peace, not in fear. Prioritising marriage over safety is one of the most harmful ways pastors fail victims of abuse.
4. Misapplying Scripture About Submission
One of the most damaging reasons Christian women stay in abusive marriages is the misinterpretation of Biblical passages regarding submission. Passages like Ephesians 5:22, which instructs wives to submit to their husbands, are often twisted into a justification for male domination.
Pastors may unintentionally contribute to this misunderstanding by advising women to submit to their abusive husbands in the hopes of changing their behaviour. This misuse of scripture ignores the full context of Ephesians 5, which also calls for mutual submission and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. God didn’t give submission, which as a means to justify abuse.
5. Not Addressing the Abuser’s Behaviour
When a woman discloses abuse, many pastors focus solely on the woman and her actions, asking her what she can do differently or how she can “improve” the marriage. Rarely is the abusive behaviour of the husband fully addressed. Pastors may fear confronting the abuser, especially if he is a respected member of the church, or they may not know how to handle the situation.
However, without holding the abuser accountable, the cycle of abuse will continue, and the woman will remain at risk.
6. Offering Oversimplified Spiritual Solutions
While prayer and spiritual guidance are essential, they cannot be the only tools offered to someone experiencing abuse. Telling a woman to “pray harder” or “have more faith” without providing practical resources can leave her feeling abandoned and misunderstood.
God cares about His children’s spiritual and physical well-being, and providing real-world help—such as referrals to counsellors, shelters, or legal assistance—is essential for her safety and healing. Spiritual platitudes alone cannot address the complexity of abuse.
7. Ignoring Cultural Influences and Gender Roles
In some Christian communities, cultural expectations around gender roles and women’s responsibilities in the home contribute to a woman’s reluctance to disclose abuse.
When a woman gets socialised to believe her primary role is to serve her husband and keep the peace at all costs, she may feel ashamed to admit that her marriage is failing, even if her husband is abusive.
Pastors who are unaware of these cultural pressures may unintentionally reinforce them, advising the woman to be more accommodating or forgiving rather than addressing the abuse head-on.
Moving Forward: Supporting Women in Crisis
The church has a moral obligation to support women in abusive situations, offering both spiritual and practical resources. Pastors must seek training on the dynamics of abuse and learn to recognise the less obvious forms, such as emotional manipulation and control. Additionally, churches should partner with local organisations that provide shelter, counselling, and legal assistance, creating a support network for those in need.
By understanding the complexities of abuse and rejecting the cultural and theological misconceptions that keep women trapped, pastors can offer genuine support that reflects the heart of Christ. This heart desires freedom, healing, and safety for all His children.
