Ever so often I stumble on individuals who want to be healed but are stuck. They get stuck between needing healing and tradition.
Some weigh the risk of saying the relationship was abusive, talking about generations of sexual abuse, the continued rejection from the family that appears close to everyone else and deemed it too unsafe.
They fear being ostracised by the family,
They fear their feelings won’t be validated
They fear no one will believe them
They fear being talked about by others
They fear that shame will make things unbearable.
They fear others will think they are not a strong enough Christian
For many, the message of, ‘what happens in this house stays in this house’ still dominates. Negative self-talk also makes moving forward difficult. In this environment, healing will be impossible.
Here are some things that you can do to begin to trust your self and listen to the pain.
Trust
Trust your memories. Your record of events may differ from others. That’s ok. Others may remember your childhood differently. Resist the urge to have your experience validated by others.
Validate
You might be tempted to reason away the feelings of hurt because your self now has insight and understanding that you didn’t have when you were younger. However, it doesn’t mean that the injury sustained by the five-year-old doesn’t need the care to heal.
Guilt
The narrative around loyalty might make healing seem like a betrayal. However, whenever you permit yourself to heal you get the opportunity to learn healthy ways to release pent up negative emotions and feelings.
The release, understanding and insight that comes with healing give you the ability to show up different in your parenting and develop emotional intelligence that will help you and those around you.
Permit me to add one more
God does not want you to stay in pain.
This tale is prominent among those who believe that being a Christian means one should automatically be free from the remnants of pain due to abuse, or any other childhood trauma. Therefore many spiritualise the pain. They talk faith and prayer but is unsure how to apply it to their situation. What ensues is a lifetime of hurt that perpetuates through generations.
Healing is necessary, and it is crucial to your health and the well-being and happiness of future generations. The silence that you regard as loyalty has been passed down through generations. It’s a legacy given to your parents and grandparents.
You can take control of your future today. You can change the family legacy and gift something different to the next generation.