Wounds To Scars

Category: Father

  • Understanding Maladaptive Behaviours in Trauma Survivors: A Christian Perspective

    Understanding Maladaptive Behaviours in Trauma Survivors: A Christian Perspective

    In a world that often feels broken, trauma touches many lives, leaving scars that manifest in various ways. As Christians, we are called to understand, support, and guide those who bear these scars. Trauma can lead individuals to develop maladaptive behaviours—coping mechanisms that, while initially protective, can become detrimental over time. Let’s explore these behaviours through a Christian lens and consider how faith and community can aid in healing.

    People Pleasing: The Trap of Over-Generosity

    One common response to trauma is people pleasing, a behaviour rooted in a deep desire for acceptance and love. People who have experienced trauma often become overly generous, constantly striving to make others happy to avoid conflict and gain a sense of security. They may believe that by pleasing others, they can fill the void left by their traumatic experiences.

    People pleasing is also used to protect people especially in dysfunctional families.

    From a Christian perspective, this behaviour can be seen as a distortion of the Biblical call to love and serve others. While generosity is a virtue, it should not come at the expense of one’s own well-being.

    In Galatians 1:10, Paul reminds us, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

    In Ephasians 6:6 “Not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart.”

    True service stems from a place of wholeness and a relationship with God, not from a fear of rejection or a need to control outcomes.

    Isolation: The Double-Edged Sword

    Isolation is another maladaptive behaviour often adopted by trauma survivors. Fear of forming new connections and the potential for further hurt can lead individuals to withdraw from social interactions. This creates a paradox; sometimes people who isolate deeply crave connection but are terrified of the vulnerability it requires. Sometimes fear of rejection and hurt stops them from engaging with others.

    The Bible teaches the importance of community and fellowship. Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV) encourages us, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near..”

    Isolation may feel safe, but it deprives individuals of the healing and support found in Christian community. We are created for relationships, and through fellowship, we can find the strength to face and overcome our fears.

    Through community we also have support to implement new coping strategies and implement change.

    Overworking: The Illusion of Fulfilment

    To cope with feelings of disconnection and emptiness, many trauma survivors turn to overworking. This behaviour serves multiple purposes: it fills the void left by trauma, distracts from painful emotions, and combats the fear of scarcity. By convincing themselves that they love their jobs or are indispensable at work, they justify the long hours and constant busyness.

    However, this is often a lie they tell themselves to avoid confronting deeper issues. Psalm 127:2 (ESV) warns us, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep..”

    Overworking can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion and strained relationships, perpetuating the cycle of isolation and stress. God calls us to find our identity and worth in Him, not in our work. True rest and fulfilment come from trusting in His provision and care.

    Aggression: The Mask of Protection

    Aggression is a misunderstood response to trauma, often used as a means of self-protection. Trauma survivors may adopt a tough exterior, excusing aggressive behaviour as “straight talking” or necessary for self-defence. However, this behaviour often pushes people away, defeating the individual’s underlying desire for connection.

    Ephesians 4:26-27(ESV) advises, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.” While it’s natural to feel anger, unchecked aggression can lead to sin and relational breakdown. Many trauma survivors lack the tools to express their feelings constructively. As Christians, we can help them develop healthier ways to communicate their needs and emotions, fostering connection and understanding.

    Avoidance: The Fear of Confrontation

    Avoidance is a common tactic used by trauma survivors to suppress or ignore their emotions. The fear of conflict and the discomfort of confronting painful issues lead them to shy away from dealing with problems directly. This avoidance prevents healing and growth, as unresolved issues continue to fester beneath the surface.

    The Bible encourages us to speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15 says, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” Confronting issues and speaking truth, though challenging, are essential for personal growth and relational health. Avoidance may seem easier, but it ultimately hinders the healing process.

    Healing Through Faith and Community

    Understanding these maladaptive behaviours is the first step in helping trauma survivors heal. As Christians, we can offer a unique perspective rooted in faith, hope, and love. Here are some ways we can support those who are struggling:

    Prayer and Spiritual Support: Encourage trauma survivors to seek God in their healing journey. Prayer, scripture reading, and spiritual disciplines can provide comfort and guidance. Philippines 4:6-7 reminds us, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

    Community and Fellowship: Foster a supportive and non-judgemental environment where individuals feel safe to share their struggles. Romans 12:15 instructs us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Being present and empathetic can make a significant difference in their healing process.

    Professional Help: Encourage seeking professional counselling when needed. Many Christian counsellors are equipped to integrate faith with therapeutic practices, providing holistic care.

    Education and Awareness: Educate church members about trauma and its effects. Understanding can lead to greater compassion and more effective support.

    Discipleship and Mentorship: Pair trauma survivors with mature Christians who can mentor and disciple them, providing guidance and accountability in their journey towards healing.

    Conclusion

    Trauma can lead to various maladaptive behaviours, but through the lens of faith, there is hope for healing and transformation. By understanding these behaviours and offering compassionate support, we can help trauma survivors find their way back to wholeness. As followers of Christ, we are called to be His hands and feet, offering love, understanding, and guidance to those in need. Together, we can create a community where healing is possible, and where the broken can find solace and restoration in the embrace of God’s love.

  • Beth Confronts her Father

    Since returning home, Beth’s journey experienced many highs and lows.  Helping her sister remove her mask and seek healing will always be special.  Beth realised that assisting others didn’t require much. When she decided to heal, it changed her and is changing the people around her.

    Having boundaries helped, it kept the relationships healthy and kept her safe.  With safe limits, she was able to practice vulnerability and compassion, which helped others to face their truths.

    Beth also reflected on her spiritual growth. Before university, her relationship with God was nonexistent.  She knew of Him but did not know Him.

    She didn’t know anyone who had a close personal relationship with God.  If they did, it was a secret.  No one she knew talked about Him the way she had come to experience Him.

    She found Him in desperation and has come to know and feel that ‘He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.’ Proverbs 18:24. Her healing would not be complete without Him.

    There were no magical formulae, and everyone has access to Him.

    He was all she had when she had no one.  He found her when she was lost and alone.

    Beth knew that had it not been for what He did on that rainy November night she would not have made it.

    She is ever grateful because she knows He didn’t do it because she deserved it but because He loves her just like he loves everyone else.

    That’s why sometimes she feels a little like Jonah when these thoughts come.

    She could relate to his anger when God forgave Nineveh a sinful nation.

    They repented, and God forgave them. Jonah knew that God would, and that is why he resisted going to tell them about the prophecy.

    That was how Beth was feeling about her father.  These were mixed feelings.

    Different to what she experienced with her mother.  But still strong.  How do you love your abusive father?

    He wreaked havoc in her mother’s life.  He seemed changed now, but what of the past?  Has she got any right to hold it against him?

    Maybe not, but he still has a lot to explain.

    Beth knows that Matthew 3:8 says that we all have to ‘produce fruits worthy of repentance.’ Was he sorry, or it was convenient to have everyone forget the past?

    Well, this was a part of her healing, and the conversation was necessary.

    Father the hero

    He was on a pedestal most of her life until like a fog clearing on a winters evening she first begun to hear her mother’s cries.

    At first, they were in the distance and gradually came to her awareness as one waking up from a dream. 

    Beth struggled at nights. She hated him at nights as she listened to the soft sound of her mother’s tears, knowing he was the cause of them.

    She was confused during the days.  How could dad be kind to her and mean to mom?

    She thought perhaps mom was weak.  Why didn’t she leave?

    Janice’s mother left her dad because he hit her mom. 

    But Beth heard the stories about their family at church and wasn’t sure she wanted her family to be talked about as well.

    At ten, you don’t understand much, adults feel that they are hiding or shielding you from the impact of what is happening, but you learn more than they let themselves acknowledge.

    On many occasions, she tried to be closer to mom, but trapped in her dysfunctional cycle mother couldn’t let her in. 

    Beth realised that it was a time of learning.  She was supposed to study how to enter and live in dysfunctional relationships, how to shut down and not access emotions. She was learning how to pretend like nothing ever happened and present a perfect picture of the world.

    She learnt a lot but leaving for university saved her.

    It protected her from having to hear the cries while she struggles her tears.

    It saved her from learning how to be her mother.

    Though she didn’t complete her studies, leaving allowed her to see her family from outside the circle, what she saw sent her on drugs for years.  But grace saved her.

    Now that she was back and learning how to be in her family but not embrace its values. She was determined to define what was important to her and embrace an identity defined by God.

    Confronting father

    Dad was a stalwart at church; nearly everyone looked up to him. He preaches and is often busy helping to organise programs that seem to benefit the church and community.

    However, he was different when he was at home.

    He often swung between a bully and withdrawn and uncommunicative.

    Beth wanted him to know that his behaviour had a considerable part to play in her years trapped on drugs.

    After months of planning; there was no easy way to tackle the subject of abuse with the abuser.  The time was never right, and the words tumbled over themselves.

    She feared the worse and wasn’t disappointed, but she wasn’t afraid.  She used the Bible to show him the impact of his behaviour and that change was necessary.

    He tried to hide in anger, but she anticipated that move.

    Finally, what seemed like hours, he relented?  Beth saw the powerful hold shame had on his willingness to concede.  Nevertheless, she didn’t leave him any room to manoeuvre his way out.  Beth hadn’t come for admissions of guilt. She came to help with acceptance and armed with solutions.

    Beth shared what God did for her and encouraged him to accept the support on offer.  Accountability was necessary.  A promise wasn’t good enough. 

    She wasn’t prepared to take no for an answer.

    Are you struggling to internalise truth? If you would like help to learn how to process things from the past and start to heal. Join our FREE three-day email course today.

  • The Impact of the Absent Father on Daughters

    The Impact of the Absent Father on Daughters

    She said, ‘You didn’t fight for me as a father.’ I listened as Common talked about how it felt when his daughter said those words to him.

    And I knew this was the experience of many women trying to understand why dad was absent.

    Common is one example of a father who listened to their daughters and acted on what was said.

    However, many daughters do not have the opportunity to have honest conversations because some dads are too defensive to listen.

    They don’t see the need to do the work necessary to learn how to be fathers to their daughters.

    Last year, I was interviewed on the BBC about the father-daughter relationship. I was happy that this critical relationship was being discussed. 

    A girl’s connection with her father will pretty much serve as a model of male love throughout her life.  If this is a positive experience, she will have a better compass; however, if her mirror relationship is fractured, this could affect how she views or interacts with males throughout her life. 

    The father/daughter relationship can also make or break her self-esteem.

    If you are a daughter trying to figure out life because of an absent father, here are four essential things that you need to consider on your journey.

    Patterns

    Women are often amazed when they learn that the patterns in their relationships with their fathers can repeat in other relationships throughout their lives.  Those who can spot how the effects of the breakdown can tackle the subject quickly and see good results.  Others, who were at the beginning stages of finding a life partner, appreciated the lessons and the opportunity to address the hurts caused by the separation and lack of connection.

    Conversations at one of my retreats highlight the importance of this discussion. Many women know that anger is not a safe place to hide. 

    Fostering hatred and resentment ensures that the lack they suffered from their fathers will have more chances of reappearing in other significant relationships.

    The pattern with dad is often reflected when women enter into relationships with men who are unable to connect emotionally. Processing emotions is the safest way to stop the cycle from repeating.

    Trust

    Your father’s inability to keep his promises could teach you to distrust people, sometimes men. The father’s absence and sporadic approach to obligations might also teach stories about worth and worthiness.

    It could impact her ability to experience and accept love and have the potential to shape how she sees herself. The trust might be, but it’s not irreparable. Lack of trust involves fear.  At its root is the fear of needing someone or depending on someone.  What if I totally rely on you and you leave later? Or what will happen if I believe what you said but you fail to make good on your promises?

    Steps to repair broken trust

    •    Honesty.

    •    Find the root of distrust.

    •    If the root sprouts from father/daughter interaction, getting support in processing the hurt will be imperative so that you can move on.

    Connection

    Sometimes, this need might be embarrassing and, therefore, generate shame.  However, we need connection, and your desire to have a secure relationship with your father is not abnormal.  It is a reasonable innate need that we have.

    Many men struggle to meet the need for connection. Some grew up in households with less-than-positive male role models, and therefore, the ability to connect doesn’t come naturally.

    Of course, men can heal this wound and learn how to provide the love and support that daughters need.  However, it is perhaps sometimes easier to default to what they’ve seen. Or more natural to meet the less emotionally demanding role of providers.

    Some men are great providers; this is a role they know well. But many lack the resources to be the kind of men who can connect emotionally with their children. The men who had their fathers around might have learnt specific life skills from them, but often, they do not know how to have close, connected relationships with their children.

    A man will learn to show emotions or treat the women in his life based on how the males around him manage those tasks.

    Often in cases where daughters are struggling with the hurt of disconnection, it can usually be traced back through generations.  The fact that you are reading this means that you are taking steps to ensure that the people after you have a different template.

    Healing raises awareness. It helps us discover who we are and aids us in making decisions about who we would like to be moving forward. Healing gives one control over what happens next, as opposed to blindly following a current family pattern.

    There are many opportunities to heal this need for connection and find other sources of bonding that are present.  Without healing, disconnection could become a long-standing issue for you that will inhibit your ability to connect with males or even your sons.

    You become what you focus on

    I know many people who don’t want to see the story behind their parents’ behaviour. I suspect that it’s a self-protecting strategy. It is a way of avoiding the pain that this knowledge might evoke. When in pain, we often can’t consider any other reality than our own. 

    Another perspective might be useful, but it often feels like too much.

    If you read this as a parent and don’t know how to connect with your child, you must find out how. 

    Ask questions.

    Wonder.

    Read

    Search for answers.

    Do whatever you have to do to show up for your child in a way that is valuable to them.

    Many times, parents attend my workshops, and it is during those sessions that several uncomfortable realisations are acknowledged. You can almost feel the pain when that happens. It is never too late to apologise and try to make amends.

    Fear of rejection

    As a result of the father’s leaving, you may fear rejection. This fear plays into negative thoughts about ourselves, and the subconscious may cherish the following feelings.

    ●    People will always leave me – If we feel people will go, we will not commit our all to the relationship because of fear that we might end up alone.  Self-protective strategies will automatically kick in and keep us from fully committing to anyone. You might be familiar with people telling you you are cold or distant. You are there but not fully present.

    You might feel that there is a distance between you and others, but you don’t quite know how to fix the problem. The issue could have its origin in those early feelings of fear that were triggered by Dad leaving.

    ●    No one will love me -Dad’s going may initiate feelings of unworthiness.  Your 5-year-old self, or whatever age you were, might have thought that if he loved you, he wouldn’t have left. You may know differently as an adult, but this still needs addressing and healing.

    You must know that you are not the reason your father left. His inability to have a relationship with you is not your fault.

  • Three Key Lessons From My Father

    Three Key Lessons From My Father

    There are so many crucial lessons that we learn from our parents, as this is fathers day I have looked at three key lessons that we can learn from our father.  What lessons do you recognise learning from your dad?