Wounds To Scars

Category: Parents

  • I Love My Mother, But I Don’t Like Her: Navigating the Complexities of a Narcissistic Parent-Child Relationship

    I Love My Mother, But I Don’t Like Her: Navigating the Complexities of a Narcissistic Parent-Child Relationship

    Loving someone doesn’t always mean liking them, especially when the person in question is your mother. For many Christian women, the relationship with their mother is one fraught with complexities, mainly when the mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies. The mother’s wound is challenging to address, often shrouded in guilt, shame, and societal expectations. However, acknowledging the reality of your relationship is the first step toward healing.

    Acknowledging the Hurt: The Journey to Honest Love

    The journey to applying the principle of loving your mother begins with acknowledging the pain she has caused. It’s not easy to admit that someone who is supposed to be a source of unconditional love and support has also been a source of deep hurt. Yet, this acknowledgement is crucial. It allows you to see your mother as a parent and someone with flaws, limitations, and perhaps even unhealed wounds.

    This journey helps you establish boundaries where necessary. Healing helps you apply love as a principle while protecting yourself from someone who may not have changed or even acknowledged the harm they’ve done to you.

    Accepting who your mother is as a person and who she was as a parent is a significant step. It involves coming to terms with the fact that your mother, like all humans, is imperfect. But for those who grew up with narcissistic mothers, this imperfection often comes with a heavy toll.

    Narcissistic mothers can be emotionally manipulative, self-centred, and dismissive of their children’s needs. They may have used guilt, shame, or even scripture to maintain control, leaving their children feeling inadequate, unloved, and confused.

    Honouring the Wounded Child: The Work of Healing

    As you navigate this journey, you must honour the wounded child within you. This healing means acknowledging the pain and confusion that you experienced as a child and validating those feelings. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. These emotions are part of the healing process and must be addressed, not buried.

    Healing also involves reparenting yourself—taking on the role of the nurturing, supportive parent you may not have had. Reparenting can include setting healthy boundaries, practising self-compassion, and seeking loving and supportive relationships. By doing this, you create a safe space for yourself to heal and grow, free from the toxic patterns that may have dominated your relationship with your mother.

    The Impact on Self-Worth: How Unresolved Hurt Shapes Your Life

    One of the most insidious effects of a problematic relationship with a narcissistic mother is the impact it can have on your self-worth. When the person who is supposed to love and cherish you uses manipulation and control, internalising those negative messages is easy. Without acknowledging the hurt and the reasons behind your dislike for your mother, you may find yourself internalising these feelings, leading to self-hatred and low self-esteem.

    This self-hatred can manifest in various ways—through destructive behaviours, negative self-talk, or an inability to trust yourself or others. It can impact every relationship you have, but perhaps most significantly, it affects how you see yourself. Separating your mother’s behaviour from your sense of self-worth is crucial. You are not the sum of her criticisms; her approval or disapproval does not determine your value.

    Religion: A Help and a Hindrance

    For Christian women, the Bible often plays a significant role in understanding their relationship with their mother. However, how they teach passages around obedience can be both a help and a hindrance. Verses like “Children obey your parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1) are often used by Christian parents to guilt their children into compliance, keeping them in line through fear rather than fostering a genuine love for God and a desire to obey Him.

    The problem is not with the verse but how narcissistic parents misused it. Many Christian women who are healing from these experiences know all too well how Their mothers often twist scriptures to justify harm, insult, and control. They were used as tools to shame and manipulate rather than to nurture and guide.

    Part of the healing process involves untangling these harmful interpretations of scripture and learning to understand the Bible in its proper context. This process, known as exegesis, consists of looking at what the verses truly say, considering the context in which they were written, and not simply applying them in ways that suit our desires or reinforce harmful patterns.

    It’s important to remember that the Bible is a book that offers freedom, not bondage. God is fair and just, and he gave his word to guide us toward an abundant life with healthy relationships.

    People who use Ephesians 6:2 as a tool to hurt often overlook verse 4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). A truly God-fearing parent will understand the importance of this balance—nurturing their children in a way that reflects God’s character.

    Culture and Control: The Double Bind of Cultural Norms

    For those raised in a culture of control, where both cultural norms and harmful religious teachings reinforce obedience and submission, the struggle is even more profound. Words have power, and the impact can be devastating when used to control and harm. Cultural expectations can further complicate the relationship, making it difficult to challenge or even acknowledge the toxic dynamics at play.

    In many cultures, respect for one’s parents is paramount, and questioning or criticising them is seen as deeply disrespectful. This cultural pressure can make it even harder for women to admit the reality of their relationship with their mothers and to seek the healing they need. But healing requires honesty, which means being honest with yourself about how your mother used cultural and religious teachings to keep you in a place of hurt.

    The Path to Healing: Embracing Honesty and Freedom

    Healing from the wounds inflicted by a narcissistic mother is not a linear process. It requires time, patience, and a commitment to self-compassion. But most importantly, it requires honesty—honesty with yourself about your feelings, your experiences, and the impact they have had on your life.

    This honesty allows you to see the relationship for what it truly is, free from the guilt, shame, and confusion that may have clouded your understanding. It will enable you to hold space for both the love and the hurt, acknowledging that while you may love your mother, you do not have to like her actions or allow them to define you.

    Your faith can be both a source of comfort and a guide during this process. When understood correctly, the Bible offers a path to freedom, not bondage. It teaches us to love and be wise, discerning, and just. God’s love for you is not dependent on your relationship with your mother, and His desire is for you to live a life of wholeness and peace.

    As you embark on this healing journey, know you are not alone. Many women have walked this path before you and have found healing and freedom on the other side. By honouring the wounded child within you, reparenting yourself with love and compassion, and seeking out healthy, supportive relationships, you can break free from the toxic patterns of the past and step into a future defined by self-love, peace, and true freedom in Christ.

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  • The Christian Woman and the Mother Wound

    You may be one of the many Christian women who experienced neglect, abandonment, rejection, and emotional abuse. You might also struggle with navigating the pain while staying true to your Christian values. Or you might be one of those women stuck on forgiveness. 

    You may have also tried forgiveness as a means of healing but is still in pain.

    It’s good to forgive someone when they fail to nurture, comfort or protect However, that’s half the work. The other half is to heal from the lack of comfort nurture protection. 

    At this point, some get confused. Some women believe that being born again and giving one’s life to Jesus should ensure that the pain would disappear. They feel that embracing Christ means they wouldn’t have to do anything except forgive, which would take the pain away. 

    Unfortunately, some give up on their healing journey altogether when they discover that healing the child that experienced neglect and emotional abandonment takes time.

    Many make promises to themselves that it will never pass to the next generation, but sadly the imprint of their mother and grandmother can be seen in their children. 

    Healing is the only path out of breaking the generational cycle.

    Below, I am sharing some scriptures to help give insights into using God as a connecting space when the relationship with your mother lacks love, comfort, nurturing, and support.

    Psalms 127:3 

    Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. 

    You are a gift to your mother; she might not have known how to treasure you as a gift, but it doesn’t take away from the original intent of your creator. You are a part of his heritage and legacy in this world.

    You are special; you are unique and unforgettable. You have a purpose. The pain of abandonment might tell stories of lack, not worth. However, the truth is you are a gift, a treasure, and a blessing.

    Isaiah 66:13

    “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.”

    You may never know what it feels like to experience love and comfort from your mother; however, God’s love can replace the love of a mother. You might struggle to understand his love or even internalize it in your life; nevertheless, it’s available. Daily practice in discovering and learning about the love God has for you will help you to integrate this truth into your life.

    Exodus 20:12

    “Honour your father and your mother so that your life will belong on the fertile land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

    This verse might challenge you. Sometimes it is challenging to learn how to honour someone who is harmful and toxic and cannot show love the way you need it.

    Honouring doesn’t mean you have to share space; you cannot heal in the same environment where you were hurt. Without mother changing, you might need to consider honouring from a distance. 

    Honouring also doesn’t exclude having and maintaining reasonable boundaries to help protect you. The Bible tells us to put on the whole amour of God to protect against the fiery darts of the devil. It might be shocking to hear this verse concerning your mother; however, consider her relationship. Has she built you up or hurt you?

    You can also get help to work out a way to honour her without continually putting yourself in harm’s way.

    Isaiah 49:15

    Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.

    You may be familiar with the experience of being forgotten by your mother. Whether through the birthdays, she repeatedly forgets or ignores them. Or she may communicate her lack of care through the school event that she missed, the hugs that you never got, or the other myriad of things.

    The Bible says that even a mother that gives birth to you can forget you. However, there is a provision in that verse that offers hope. God said He would not forget you. It goes on to say in Isaiah 49:16, “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.”

    That means every time he looks in his hands and sees the nail prints, it reminds him of you.

    Jeremiah 1:5 

    “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”

    You knew you before you were conceived. Before the sperm and the egg collides, he knew you and loved you.

    Psalms 139:13

    “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

    Jeremiah 29:11

    For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

    He knows the pain of not having a loving mother. He sees the impact of it on your life and relationships. He sees how it affected how you parent your children, how you allow people to love you and the way you doubted whether you could love anyone. He sees how it isolated you from your siblings and how it caused you to question academic performance and even your brilliance at work.

    He knows that this single event has impacted areas of your life that you are not even yet familiar with, and because of that, he wants you to know that ‘He formed you in your mother’s womb,’ He knew you and loved you before you were born. You trust him with this hurt and allow him to help you heal and move forward.

  • Christian books on how to be a “good” wife are not written with black women in mind.

    Christian books on how to be a “good” wife are not written with black women in mind.

    Authors tend to write with their audience in mind; that’s why I’ve concluded that Christian authors that write about how to be a ‘good’ wife didn’t write with the black woman in mind.

    I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Your audience is your audience; however, I do believe these authors should be direct in their advertising. I can hear the uproar at that. It wouldn’t be politically correct or Christian to make such a declaration, and I agree, but what then is the solution.

    As I read these books, I am more concerned that they do not reflect our stories. It’s a similar situation at some retreats. Often I hear the information then go home and sift it so that I can find what I can use. It’s exhausting. But that’s me what about the woman who doesn’t know how to sift the information. The author is writing from her own life and perspective; therefore, there will be irrelevant information.

    Some women will take everything at face value because it’s accompanied by Bible verses and set about applying it in her life and home with frustration.

    When the results, she desires fail to materialise some internalised that failure. When this happens, some women feel not good enough because the suggestions work for the speaker and so many others. Why can’t it work for her?

    I’ve read and tried to apply enough of these books to know that I am not their target audience.

    The suggestions mostly seem unattainable and leave one with a feeling of dissatisfaction and failure. The temptation to feel and think you are not good enough or worthy enough is strong.

    When making suggestions to a group as broad and diverse as wives, context is crucial. 

    If you are going to read and apply these books, here are some things to keep in mind.

    1. Context

    Your context is different: your home situation and dynamics might be different from that of the author. I often see where these authors stay at home moms whereas you and your husband might work shifts to keep a roof over your heads. A lot of black homes are two-income households as we try to build and create a future for our children that is different from the one we had.

    Additionally, some families are trying to build wealth and create a legacy for the next generation.  

    The woman has to manage all those competing 

    demands and choices while being present for her husband, children and herself could become overwhelmed with more requirements.

    1. When you are a working mom, trying to apply these suggestions, it will be challenging to juggle work and doing all the things they intimate are essential.
    2. Burn out fatigue is real, and it’s already a struggle for the woman who is trying to balance work and a family. Adding more could be a tipping point.

    What then is the option for black Christian women.

    I know women want to be good wives, mothers, sisters, daughters. I know we want to serve in our communities and build legacies for our children.

    Often the black woman does that at the exclusion of self.

    We are still living in the shadows of the stereotype of the strong black woman. Coupled that with the teaching around what strength looks like for the Christian woman and she doubles down on hiding her feelings while diving into doing what everyone thinks she should do.

    The multitasking trap

    Women are excellent at managing multiple tasks at once. They are good at juggling balls and trying to balance a busy life with doing a lot, but that’s a trap. The subtle myth of “you can have it” all haunts many women, and they pressure themselves into doing more because it seems that this or that person is doing it.

    Sometimes comments from husbands suggest that you are not enough not doing enough. Why can’t you work full time to help balance the budget and single-handled keep the house clean, the children fed and be all that I need?

    Ladies, you can have it all but not all of what your neighbour or friend has. Your all will depend on a close evaluation of your life and how it functions. It will depend on your goals and what is right for you and your family.

    Teach your family not to expect you to be all things to all people. Train the children early to be independent, let them help with the task as is appropriate for their ages, set expectations for your husband. Ask for the help that you need.

    One damaging message the strong black woman stereotype sends is that you don’t have needs. Often some of us are raised in households where we never see our mothers expressed needs, and therefore we learn how not to make demands.

    Additionally, the ongoing trauma that is always repressed means work sometimes becomes a coping mechanism. The ability to adjust and to work on fitting you in your schedule where you priorities you, your mental and physical health and your personal development might be a challenge, but it’s one worth undertaking.

    When you take the time to train your household and manage the expectation of your children, it means that you can have time to develop you. Learn and understand who you are and come to a place where you are secure in that knowledge.

    Make the journey to self-discovery a lifelong one. Make that a part of the balls that you juggle as opposed to the ones society expects you to handle.

    Make one day a lazy day where you sit in the garden and relax. Seeing you take time for you will be a gift to your children. I heard something recently that had a profound impact on me. I know that many who are trying to fit into boxes designed by others miss this opportunity. Children benefit from seeing their mothers do things intended for personal growth and development.

    Good is relative

    Being a ‘good’ wife depends on the goals you and your spouse have. Remember ‘good’ is relative, so what works for your favourite author might not work for you.

    Therefore being a ‘good’ wife is dependent on your life and the circumstances that you have to manage. And not about ticking boxes designed by people who don’t understand or know about your experience.

    Self-discovery

    A woman understanding herself is a helpful place to start. Learn what makes you feel fulfilled and happy? Some of your needs will be met by you and some from the people around you.

    Often being a ‘good’ wife means meeting physical needs, the focus in on the cooking, cleaning and meeting your husband’s needs. That’s a lot of pressure. 

    These books educate us to think a good wife is a specific thing – and that we are responsible for the happiness of our families.

    Get to know yourself, be comfortable with who you are, be satisfied with what will help you to meet the needs that are present in your home. Then you will be the wife that required in your home.

  • Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    Daughters: your Abandonment History can Affect your Daughter.

    According to the Webster dictionary, abandonment is the act of abandoning something or someone.

    Abandonment in the context of the mother-daughter relationship occurs when a mother physically leaves the child, whether through living in another country or regularly creating physical distance between them. Going often or failing to connect emotionally when present. As you will also see in this blog post, a child can also experience abandonment when the mother fails to advocate for her or chose not to believe her side of the story.

    When a mother experiences abandonment without healing the generational pattern gets passed on to the daughter.

    Types of Abandonment

    Physical abandonment

    Physical abandonment occurs when a mother leaves home. The mother might move to live in another country or another part of the country. There are various reasons why this might happen, such as economic migration, a woman fleeing violence or family structures where extended family care for children enabling the mother to travel for work.

    Due to the mother leaving the daughter may have several painful experiences that she has to suffer alone. She may have to endure puberty along with other physical and biological changes in her bod but have no one to guide her.

    She handles unanswered questions around puberty, periods, and what to expect. Many young women thought they were dying when their period started. Some thought they were ill or bleeding to death. They had so many varied imaginations. Mother figures that are present failed to play the role that a mother should have played. 

    Physical abandonment leaves the daughter with questions and feelings of rejection. These questions are sometimes never answered by the mother, who feels her actions were justified. 

    The reason for leaving is irrelevant. The daughter needs to understand and heal the impact of the loss. She may have an intellectual understanding and is sympathetic to the need that influences the decision; however, the feelings of the wounded child needs to be acknowledged and healed.

    Physical abandonment can also occur when mother though living in the same home fails to bridge the gap that exists between her and her daughter. The distance would have started in childhood and becomes more pronounced as the child grows morphing into emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment.

    Emotional abandonment is an emotional state that leaves the child feeling alone, rejected and unwanted. This withdrawal might be sudden or a gradual moving away that can create anxiety in the daughter.

    A daughter experiences emotional abandonment when the mother is present but not available. She also gets it from the mother who cannot love and connect due to her experiences of neglect. She may decide to stay; however, breaking the cycle of neglect requires more than a decision to stay.

    The mother who decides to stay also has to knowingly do several things different not to get the outcome of recreating that pattern of abandonment for her children.

    Healing alone eliminate the risk of recreating patterns of abandonment. Living together doesn’t mean the mother; knows how to have conversations about puberty. Sharing physical space doesn’t mean that she knows how to take the daughter into her confidence or indeed to work her relationship with her daughter so that they can have meaningful conversations.

    The mother might not know how to win the daughters heart where she can provide needful guidance about changes in her body. 

    There are several ways that mothers recreate feelings of abandonment.  

    1. When a daughter discloses instances of sexual trauma and the mother chooses to side with the partner, a colleague or family member or immediately dismisses what the daughter says and not listens. Not being believed gives a feeling of aloneness and being invisible because the person who she expected care and love from could not provide what is most needed.

    Sometimes this experience plunge women into many years of self-hate, blame and internalised hatred and anger. The storm of emotions can magnify when culture dictates that the daughter should care for the mother in later life.

    Culture demands loyalty from the daughter or the daughter feels a sense of duty to care for and keeps contact with the mother. Forgiveness is possible; however, healing gives you a chance to work through those feelings safely so that the care you provide comes from a place of love and not duty. Duty can be as toxic and harmful as hate and anger.

    In some instances, the mother demands care as a duty, as service she deserves because of the years of sacrificing. A daughter needs to address and heal from her injuries to prevent this pattern passed down to her daughter.

    2. Feelings of abandonment recreates when the mother regularly retreats to her room gives no explanation, and the children are left to ‘figure’ out what’s wrong. Often in these instances, children take responsibility for what they perceived as the reason mother cannot spend time with them. This blame can last a long time. 

    It also leaves a feeling of unworthiness and not being good enough.

    · Lack of quality time can also create feelings of abandonment. It’s in those special times together that a mother and daughter will connect. When there’s a gap, she questions her worth and wonders what needs to change for her to be loved. This pattern of ‘fixing’ her and chasing love can linger into adulthood until the trend is acknowledged and the root healed.

    3. Emotional abandonment can also occur when a mother who is more comfortable with tasking than connecting. Tasking might have a purpose and desired outcome, such as ensuring the daughter has necessary life skills. However, children are not known for their ability to reason and arrive at logical conclusions. Adults would struggle to understand without an explicit explanation.

    The mothers were daughters too, and understanding of her generational patterns can help the daughter understand her mother’s context and what made her the mother that she is today. However, that won’t stop the toxicity.

    Firstly she has to heal.

    Healing

    Though you may intellectually know why your parent left and make a decision to forgive and try to forge a relationship, the wounded child still needs to heal. Without healing, the risk of the intergenerational pattern of abandonment will continue. 

    You may experience psychical abandonment when your parents left, and you had to find ways of dealing with those emotions. Burying, ignoring or intellectualising the pain of neglect won’t heal the hurt. 

    Many counsellors, therapist or other mental health professionals are trained to help you recognise and begin healing. The book by Mark Wolynn ‘It didn’t start with you’ can help you understand the generational cycle and begin to improve.

    If you are looking for ways for you and your mother to Heal Wounds to Scars one day retreat will be a great place to start. Get the details HERE.