Wounds To Scars

Tag: healing

  • The Burden of Forgiveness: A Reflection on Forgiveness, Abuse, and Accountability

    The Burden of Forgiveness: A Reflection on Forgiveness, Abuse, and Accountability

    Forgiveness is a central tenet of the Christian faith. The Bible teaches that if we forgive others, our Heavenly Father will forgive us (Matthew 6:14). This directive guides believers on the importance of extending grace. In the well-known exchange between Peter and Jesus, Peter asks how often he should forgive someone who wrongs him. Jesus replies, “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22), implying that we should consider generously offering forgiveness as Christians.

    But what happens when forgiveness is misapplied, especially in the context of abusive relationships? Christians get called to forgive, but God does not give commands meant to cause harm. So, how do we reconcile the principle of “seventy times seven” with the harsh reality of abuse, particularly in marriages?

    A Misunderstood Mandate

    From a therapeutic perspective, I have spent over two decades working with women, many of whom are Christian and have experienced abuse. A troubling pattern I’ve seen is how the burden of forgiveness often falls solely on the victim. The church, at times, inadvertently places the responsibility of healing the relationship entirely on the woman, the victim, while neglecting to hold the perpetrator accountable.

    This approach can be damaging.

    Forgiveness is also frequently misunderstood as the path to changing the abuser’s behaviour, but this interpretation is flawed. Time and again, I’ve seen women give their all—praying, forgiving, and trying to mould themselves into whatever shape their abusive spouse demands—only to discover that nothing changes. The promise that forgiveness will somehow transform their abuser rings hollow.

    It can be devastating when these women realise that their forgiveness will not lead to the change they had hoped for. The light of hope dims in their eyes as they confront the painful truth: forgiveness, as the church teaches, does not stop the abuse or make the abuser a better person.

    The Emotional Toll of Misapplied Forgiveness

    Forgiveness, when misapplied, places an overwhelming emotional burden on the victim. Many women who are in abusive marriages develop anxiety due to the constant state of hypervigilance they must maintain to avoid upsetting their abuser. They may also experience depression as they internalise feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and sadness.

    When leaders frame forgiveness as the solution to abuse, the victim is left feeling responsible not only for the abuse but also for “fixing” their abuser. Blaming victims is not the type of forgiveness that Jesus meant when He instructed Peter to forgive “seventy times seven.” Jesus’s command does not ask us to remain in harmful situations or to bear the sole responsibility for someone else’s change.

    Forgiveness vs. Accountability

    In Luke 3:8, John the Baptist taught that people should “bear fruits worthy of repentance.” This principle is crucial when addressing forgiveness in the context of abuse. Repentance requires genuine change, not just lip service or empty promises. True repentance is a transformation from the inside out, reflected in changed actions, behaviour, and character.

    For an abuser, bearing fruit worthy of repentance means taking full responsibility for their actions, seeking help, and demonstrating consistent behavioural change. It means no longer insulting or belittling their spouse but instead building them up and living out the command in Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

    A repentant person will also prioritise their family’s emotional and spiritual safety.

    For a woman in an abusive relationship, actual change will be evident when her home no longer feels like a place of fear or dread but becomes a safe, loving environment. She will no longer have to live in constant anxiety, waiting for the next cycle of abuse to begin. A truly repentant man will take ownership of his emotional triggers, work on his self-awareness, and grow in emotional and spiritual maturity.

    Forgiveness alone cannot achieve this kind of transformation. Forgiveness is not a magic key that unlocks a new heart in someone else. Change is the external reflection of internal work that individuals must undertake for themselves.

    The Church’s Responsibility

    When the church places the burden of forgiveness on victims without addressing the need for accountability and repentance from perpetrators, it is not teaching the true gospel of Christ. Instead of leading people toward genuine heart transformation through God’s grace, it risks enabling abuse to continue unchecked.

    By failing to hold abusers accountable, the church does a disservice to both victims and perpetrators. Victims get tasked with the impossible job of changing someone else through their forgiveness. At the same time, leaders deprive perpetrators of the opportunity to confront their sins, repent, and seek true healing through Christ.

    What Forgiveness Looks Like

    According to the Bible, forgiveness is a powerful and necessary act of grace. However, it shouldn’t be weaponised against victims, forcing them to remain in unsafe situations. Forgiveness does not mean condoning sin, ignoring harm, or taking responsibility for someone else’s change.

    Forgiveness is about releasing bitterness and allowing yourself to heal from the wrongs done to you. It’s about entrusting justice to God, knowing He is righteous and will ultimately deal with those who refuse to change. But forgiveness does not negate the need for boundaries, nor does it require staying in an abusive relationship.

    In cases of abuse, the church should empower victims to set healthy boundaries, seek safety, and protect themselves from further harm. Forgiveness may still be part of their journey, but it should never be used as a tool to control them or to avoid holding the abuser accountable.

    Conclusion

    The burden of forgiveness should never fall solely on the victim, especially in abusive relationships. While forgiveness is a powerful part of the healing process, it is not a substitute for accountability or genuine repentance.

    If done well, the church can support both victims and perpetrators, encouraging repentance and heart transformation while protecting the vulnerable and ensuring their safety.

    However, what often happens is that abusers are protected, not encouraged to repent and still allowed to serve even in leadership positions instead of stepping back in humility. And to make everyone comfortable, the victims are shamed for the hurt they carry.

    When understood correctly, forgiveness offers freedom and healing. But it should never shield abusers from the consequences of their actions. As we navigate these problematic dynamics, we must remember that God calls us to forgive, but He also calls for justice, accountability, and the protection of the oppressed.

  • Cut Off from the World: The Role of Isolation in Domestic Abuse

    Cut Off from the World: The Role of Isolation in Domestic Abuse

    Abusers use isolation as a powerful tactic to control and manipulate their victims. By cutting off their partner from support systems, the abuser can deepen the victim’s dependence and make it harder for them to seek help or recognise the severity of the abuse. Here are some key ways abusers use isolation:

    1. Controlling Social Interactions

    Abusers often limit who the victim can spend time with. They may forbid them from seeing family and friends or make it difficult to maintain relationships by causing arguments, guilt-tripping, or creating tension whenever the victim attempts to connect with others.

    The abuser might criticise the victim’s friends or claim they’re a terrible influence, pushing the victim to distance themselves.

    This isolation can also extend to attending church gatherings or making friends at church. Perpetrators use isolation to make themselves the only person the victim has access to. In this way, the abuse continues unchallenged, and the victim is isolated from support.

    2. Monitoring Communication

    Many abusers closely monitor their partner’s phone calls, emails, or social media, even going so far as to demand passwords. This tactic keeps the victim from reaching out for help or staying connected with people who might notice the abuse.

    In extreme cases, they may confiscate phones, limit internet access, or cut off any means of communication entirely.

    3. Restricting Physical Freedom

    Isolation can also include controlling the victim’s movements. An abuser may limit where the victim can go, preventing them from leaving the house without permission or accompaniment.

    They might lock the victim inside or hide essential items like car keys or money, making it difficult to leave even in emergencies.

    4. Creating Dependency

    Abusers often foster dependency by controlling finances, transportation, or access to necessities. When the victim is entirely dependent on the abuser for basic needs like food, shelter, or healthcare, it becomes much harder for them to consider leaving the relationship. This dependency isolates them further from seeking external support.

    Dependency also overshadows the manipulation. When the victim feels “cared for”, any pushback on his behaviour can feel unthankful and ungrateful.

    Abusers also often hinder victims’ attempts to progress because once they are independent, they fear losing control.

    Guilt sometimes keeps victims trapped between wanting to progress and honouring their husbands.

    5. Sabotaging Support Networks

    Abusers may actively sabotage the victim’s relationships with family, friends, or coworkers. They might spread rumours, create misunderstandings, or stage dramatic situations to drive a wedge between the victim and their support network.

    By making the victim feel that no one else cares or that others have abandoned them, the abuser reinforces the isolation.

    Many victims have lost close friends and confidantes due to lies spread by the abuser that sabotage the relationships.

    6. Exploiting Cultural or Religious Beliefs

    In some cases, abusers manipulate cultural or religious teachings to justify isolation. They may claim that the victim should not seek help outside the home or that the abuser is the head of the household with absolute authority.

    These religious teachings can be particularly isolating in communities where church leaders use religious or cultural beliefs to enforce submission or discourage outside intervention.

    7. Gaslighting and Emotional Isolation

    Emotional isolation is a subtler but equally damaging form of abuse. Abusers often use gaslighting—manipulating the victim to make them doubt their reality.

    Over time, the victim may feel so emotionally detached or mentally exhausted that they stop confiding in others, believing that no one will understand or accept their experience. The abuser then becomes the only person the victim can “trust,” deepening the isolation.

    This emotional isolation can be a tough place in the victim’s experience because the only person they have access to or learn to trust is harmful to them. It can influence distrust of self and impact mental health.

    8. Excluding Victims from Decision-Making

    Abusers may exclude their partners from essential decisions—whether financial, social, or related to family—making the victim feel powerless and further isolating them.

    This exclusion makes the victim feel as though they have no agency or say in their own life, reinforcing dependence on the abuser.

    9. Undermining Work or Educational Opportunities

    Isolation can extend to professional or academic life. Abusers may discourage or prevent their victims from pursuing careers or educational goals. They may insist that staying home is “best for the family” or sabotage job applications and opportunities.

    Deterring victims from taking advantage of opportunities or exploring work prospects can rob them of independence and further isolate them from potential social or professional networks.

    10. Isolating Children as a Means of Control

    In abusive relationships where children are involved, the abuser may use the children as tools to isolate the victim further.

    Using the children can include controlling when and how the victim interacts with the children or using the children as leverage to prevent the victim from leaving.

    This tactic can trap the victim in the relationship out of fear for their children’s well-being.

    By isolating the victim from the outside world, abusers create a closed environment in which they can maintain control, making it incredibly difficult for the victim to escape the cycle of abuse. Overcoming this isolation is critical to breaking free and seeking support.

  • 7 Ways Pastors Fail Christian Women Who Disclose Abuse

    7 Ways Pastors Fail Christian Women Who Disclose Abuse

    When a Christian woman finally reaches the point where she discloses that she is domestic abuse, it is often after years of suffering in silence. Statistics show that it takes an average of 3.1 years for a woman to disclose abuse, but for Christian women, this number is often higher due to cultural and theological factors.

    Moreover, research indicates that it can take many years for a Christian woman to leave an abusive marriage, even after recognising the abuse. When pastors lack training in how to respond appropriately, the consequences can be devastating.

    Here are seven ways pastors often fail Christian women who disclose abuse—and how we can change this.

    1. Lack of Training in Understanding Abuse

    One of the most common ways pastors fail women who disclose abuse is through a lack of training on what abuse looks like, particularly emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse is not always physical, and emotional abuse often leaves no visible scars. Many pastors are unfamiliar with the nuances of manipulative behaviours such as gaslighting, control, or isolation, which can cause just as much harm as physical violence.

    Without proper training, pastors may not recognise abuse when it’s described to them, leading them to downplay the situation or offer harmful advice, such as “be more patient” or “pray for your husband to change.”

    2. Minimising the Abuse

    A woman who has finally found the courage to disclose abuse is often met with disbelief or minimising statements from her pastor. Comments like “He doesn’t seem like that kind of man,” “Are you sure you’re not exaggerating?” or “Maybe you’re just misinterpreting things” can make a victim feel even more isolated and trapped.

    Abusive men, particularly those with narcissistic traits, are often charming and well-liked in public, making it easy for those on the outside to doubt the victim’s experience. This lack of understanding leads to further emotional harm, as the woman may feel no one understands her position as people who love her husband invalidate her experiences and feelings.

    3. Prioritising the Institution of Marriage Over the Woman’s Safety

    Pastors often place a strong emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, and while marriage is indeed sacred, a woman’s safety and well-being should be a priority. Too often, pastors encourage women to stay in abusive marriages, citing vows and Biblical teachings on commitment.

    The message that a woman must endure abuse for the sake of preserving her marriage can leave her feeling spiritually trapped and disconnected from a loving God who wants her to live in peace, not in fear. Prioritising marriage over safety is one of the most harmful ways pastors fail victims of abuse.

    4. Misapplying Scripture About Submission

    One of the most damaging reasons Christian women stay in abusive marriages is the misinterpretation of Biblical passages regarding submission. Passages like Ephesians 5:22, which instructs wives to submit to their husbands, are often twisted into a justification for male domination.

    Pastors may unintentionally contribute to this misunderstanding by advising women to submit to their abusive husbands in the hopes of changing their behaviour. This misuse of scripture ignores the full context of Ephesians 5, which also calls for mutual submission and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. God didn’t give submission, which as a means to justify abuse.

    5. Not Addressing the Abuser’s Behaviour

    When a woman discloses abuse, many pastors focus solely on the woman and her actions, asking her what she can do differently or how she can “improve” the marriage. Rarely is the abusive behaviour of the husband fully addressed. Pastors may fear confronting the abuser, especially if he is a respected member of the church, or they may not know how to handle the situation.

    However, without holding the abuser accountable, the cycle of abuse will continue, and the woman will remain at risk.

    6. Offering Oversimplified Spiritual Solutions

    While prayer and spiritual guidance are essential, they cannot be the only tools offered to someone experiencing abuse. Telling a woman to “pray harder” or “have more faith” without providing practical resources can leave her feeling abandoned and misunderstood.

    God cares about His children’s spiritual and physical well-being, and providing real-world help—such as referrals to counsellors, shelters, or legal assistance—is essential for her safety and healing. Spiritual platitudes alone cannot address the complexity of abuse.

    7. Ignoring Cultural Influences and Gender Roles

    In some Christian communities, cultural expectations around gender roles and women’s responsibilities in the home contribute to a woman’s reluctance to disclose abuse.

    When a woman gets socialised to believe her primary role is to serve her husband and keep the peace at all costs, she may feel ashamed to admit that her marriage is failing, even if her husband is abusive.

    Pastors who are unaware of these cultural pressures may unintentionally reinforce them, advising the woman to be more accommodating or forgiving rather than addressing the abuse head-on.

    Moving Forward: Supporting Women in Crisis

    The church has a moral obligation to support women in abusive situations, offering both spiritual and practical resources. Pastors must seek training on the dynamics of abuse and learn to recognise the less obvious forms, such as emotional manipulation and control. Additionally, churches should partner with local organisations that provide shelter, counselling, and legal assistance, creating a support network for those in need.

    By understanding the complexities of abuse and rejecting the cultural and theological misconceptions that keep women trapped, pastors can offer genuine support that reflects the heart of Christ. This heart desires freedom, healing, and safety for all His children.

  • What Do You Do When God Says Wait?

    What Do You Do When God Says Wait?

    Waiting is one of the hardest things we can experience, especially when it feels like we’ve done everything right, and still, God says, “Wait.”

    What do you do in those seasons when you are asked to hold your position despite every fibre of your being wanting to move forward? How do you manage when God’s timeline doesn’t align with yours?

    Recently, I found myself walking through a waiting season—not my own—but one I had to witness in my son. I watched him wrestle with the disappointment of not getting something he sincerely wanted. His sadness pulled at my heart.

    As a parent, you want to fix things. You want to make the pain go away and shield your child from hurt. But no matter how much I longed to change the outcome in this situation, I couldn’t.

    I had no fancy words to offer him. There was no way to soften the reality that sometimes, God says, “No.”

    In these moments, I realised that my role wasn’t to fix it but to hold him through it. There’s a raw honesty in simply sitting with someone in their pain. As much as I wanted to offer solutions or explanations, my son needed my presence the most.

    Holding Firm to the Truth in Seasons of Waiting

    Holding firm to the truth that God is still God—especially in seasons when He asks us to wait—can be a challenging lesson for children and adults. I had to help my son see the bigger picture and remind him of God’s faithfulness in other areas of his life.

    Sometimes, when waiting, it’s easy to focus solely on what we want but can’t have. It becomes all-consuming, and that’s where the danger of slipping into feelings of hopelessness and despair lies. I helped my son remember the pattern of God’s goodness in his life. It wasn’t about denying his pain or dismissing his feelings; it was about acknowledging that he was hurting but encouraging him not to lean too heavily into depressive thoughts.

    As I watched him struggle, I saw myself.

    Recognising Myself in My Son’s Struggle

    It was like looking in a mirror. How he processed his disappointment, frustration, and sadness mirrored how I used to be—and sometimes still am—in seasons of waiting. Is this what he saw in me all these years? I couldn’t help but reflect on my own experiences with disappointment, how I, too, have had to fight to keep my emotions from spiralling, to manage my thoughts so that I wouldn’t blame God for the things I didn’t understand.

    I know these moments are not easy, no matter how old you are. But I’ve learned to handle them much better when fear doesn’t take over. When fear wins, I collapse under the weight of it—anger, confusion, and hopelessness soon follow. But I’ve learned to hold on to God’s promises; in those times, fear doesn’t win. I can trust that even though I don’t understand the “why” or the “when,” God is still in control.

    The Temptation to Rush God

    One of the most significant lessons I’ve learned in these waiting seasons is that fear often leads to prayer, but not the prayer that seeks to align my heart with God’s will. No, it’s the type of prayer and fasting designed to get God to do what I want on my terms and in my timeline. It’s as if I’m trying to manipulate the situation—attempting to rush God out of my discomfort, pushing for the season to end before its time.

    But I’ve come to understand that we cannot rush God.

    No amount of fasting or pleading will change His timing. That doesn’t mean prayer and fasting aren’t valuable; they are, but not when the motive is to speed up God’s plans. Waiting is not just about the outcome but what God does in us during the process. It’s a time of strengthening.

    Choosing Our Response in the Waiting

    During these seasons, we have a choice. How will we respond to the waiting? Will we be angry and bitter or allow it to mould and strengthen us? It’s not easy to sit in the tension of an unanswered prayer. I’ve been there many times, feeling the weight of waiting for something I desperately wanted, only to realise later that God was preparing me in ways I couldn’t see.

    It’s about paying attention in the waiting so that we are ready when the answer comes—or when God redirects us to something better—. We must stay prepared and remain open to God’s leading, trusting He knows what is best for us, even when it’s hard to see.

    Listening While I Wait

    One practice that has helped me navigate these seasons is “listening while I wait.” When we think of prayer, we often think of talking to God, pouring out our hearts, asking for guidance, or simply telling Him how we feel. But in the listening season, the focus shifts from talking to hearing.

    In those quiet moments, I ask God to speak to my heart and reveal what I need to know in this waiting time. Sometimes, the waiting season is a time for reflection; other times, it’s a time for preparation, but it’s always a time for listening.

    In this quietness, I’ve learned the most about myself and God. Waiting seasons can strip us of our pretences, facades, and a false sense of control. In the waiting, we face our limitations and are reminded of our dependence on God.

    Conclusion

    Waiting seasons are hard. They test our faith, challenge our patience, and stretch our ability to trust in God’s plan. But they are also growth opportunities. When God says, “Wait,” it’s not because He’s withholding good things from us. He is preparing us for something greater than we can see now.

    Watching my son navigate his disappointment reminded me once again that the waiting season is not wasted time. It’s a time of moulding, strengthening, and listening. So, in those moments when God says, “Wait,” let us hold on to His promises, trust in His timing, and be open to what He is teaching us through the process.