Forgiveness is a central tenet of the Christian faith. The Bible teaches that if we forgive others, our Heavenly Father will forgive us (Matthew 6:14). This directive guides believers on the importance of extending grace. In the well-known exchange between Peter and Jesus, Peter asks how often he should forgive someone who wrongs him. Jesus replies, “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22), implying that we should consider generously offering forgiveness as Christians.
But what happens when forgiveness is misapplied, especially in the context of abusive relationships? Christians get called to forgive, but God does not give commands meant to cause harm. So, how do we reconcile the principle of “seventy times seven” with the harsh reality of abuse, particularly in marriages?
A Misunderstood Mandate
From a therapeutic perspective, I have spent over two decades working with women, many of whom are Christian and have experienced abuse. A troubling pattern I’ve seen is how the burden of forgiveness often falls solely on the victim. The church, at times, inadvertently places the responsibility of healing the relationship entirely on the woman, the victim, while neglecting to hold the perpetrator accountable.
This approach can be damaging.
Forgiveness is also frequently misunderstood as the path to changing the abuser’s behaviour, but this interpretation is flawed. Time and again, I’ve seen women give their all—praying, forgiving, and trying to mould themselves into whatever shape their abusive spouse demands—only to discover that nothing changes. The promise that forgiveness will somehow transform their abuser rings hollow.
It can be devastating when these women realise that their forgiveness will not lead to the change they had hoped for. The light of hope dims in their eyes as they confront the painful truth: forgiveness, as the church teaches, does not stop the abuse or make the abuser a better person.
The Emotional Toll of Misapplied Forgiveness
Forgiveness, when misapplied, places an overwhelming emotional burden on the victim. Many women who are in abusive marriages develop anxiety due to the constant state of hypervigilance they must maintain to avoid upsetting their abuser. They may also experience depression as they internalise feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and sadness.
When leaders frame forgiveness as the solution to abuse, the victim is left feeling responsible not only for the abuse but also for “fixing” their abuser. Blaming victims is not the type of forgiveness that Jesus meant when He instructed Peter to forgive “seventy times seven.” Jesus’s command does not ask us to remain in harmful situations or to bear the sole responsibility for someone else’s change.
Forgiveness vs. Accountability
In Luke 3:8, John the Baptist taught that people should “bear fruits worthy of repentance.” This principle is crucial when addressing forgiveness in the context of abuse. Repentance requires genuine change, not just lip service or empty promises. True repentance is a transformation from the inside out, reflected in changed actions, behaviour, and character.
For an abuser, bearing fruit worthy of repentance means taking full responsibility for their actions, seeking help, and demonstrating consistent behavioural change. It means no longer insulting or belittling their spouse but instead building them up and living out the command in Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
A repentant person will also prioritise their family’s emotional and spiritual safety.
For a woman in an abusive relationship, actual change will be evident when her home no longer feels like a place of fear or dread but becomes a safe, loving environment. She will no longer have to live in constant anxiety, waiting for the next cycle of abuse to begin. A truly repentant man will take ownership of his emotional triggers, work on his self-awareness, and grow in emotional and spiritual maturity.
Forgiveness alone cannot achieve this kind of transformation. Forgiveness is not a magic key that unlocks a new heart in someone else. Change is the external reflection of internal work that individuals must undertake for themselves.
The Church’s Responsibility
When the church places the burden of forgiveness on victims without addressing the need for accountability and repentance from perpetrators, it is not teaching the true gospel of Christ. Instead of leading people toward genuine heart transformation through God’s grace, it risks enabling abuse to continue unchecked.
By failing to hold abusers accountable, the church does a disservice to both victims and perpetrators. Victims get tasked with the impossible job of changing someone else through their forgiveness. At the same time, leaders deprive perpetrators of the opportunity to confront their sins, repent, and seek true healing through Christ.
What Forgiveness Looks Like
According to the Bible, forgiveness is a powerful and necessary act of grace. However, it shouldn’t be weaponised against victims, forcing them to remain in unsafe situations. Forgiveness does not mean condoning sin, ignoring harm, or taking responsibility for someone else’s change.
Forgiveness is about releasing bitterness and allowing yourself to heal from the wrongs done to you. It’s about entrusting justice to God, knowing He is righteous and will ultimately deal with those who refuse to change. But forgiveness does not negate the need for boundaries, nor does it require staying in an abusive relationship.
In cases of abuse, the church should empower victims to set healthy boundaries, seek safety, and protect themselves from further harm. Forgiveness may still be part of their journey, but it should never be used as a tool to control them or to avoid holding the abuser accountable.
Conclusion
The burden of forgiveness should never fall solely on the victim, especially in abusive relationships. While forgiveness is a powerful part of the healing process, it is not a substitute for accountability or genuine repentance.
If done well, the church can support both victims and perpetrators, encouraging repentance and heart transformation while protecting the vulnerable and ensuring their safety.
However, what often happens is that abusers are protected, not encouraged to repent and still allowed to serve even in leadership positions instead of stepping back in humility. And to make everyone comfortable, the victims are shamed for the hurt they carry.
When understood correctly, forgiveness offers freedom and healing. But it should never shield abusers from the consequences of their actions. As we navigate these problematic dynamics, we must remember that God calls us to forgive, but He also calls for justice, accountability, and the protection of the oppressed.
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