Wounds To Scars

Category: Trauma

  • Healing the Mother Wound: The Confidence Connection

    Healing the Mother Wound: The Confidence Connection

    Recently, I sat on a panel discussion when an audience member asked a question that immediately caught my attention: “How can I become more confident and bolder in my life?” Many of us have asked this question at some point. As I listened to the other panellists share their insights, offering advice on mindset shifts and practical strategies, I reflected on a deeper layer of this issue—one that is often overlooked.

    Sitting there, I thought about the women I have worked with—women who struggle in their mother-daughter relationships. So many of them face confidence issues, yet they rarely attribute these struggles to their upbringing. Why? We are often afraid to unpack the complexities of this foundational relationship. We don’t always acknowledge the lasting emotional wounds or the work needed to heal them. But the truth is, the mother wound affects confidence profoundly, shaping how we see ourselves, navigate relationships, and step into our purpose.

    When it was my turn to speak, I shared something I’ve seen repeatedly: women who experience wounding in the mother-daughter relationship sometimes struggle with confidence. This is not just about feeling insecure—it affects marriages, parenting, friendships, careers, and the ability to pursue personal dreams.

    How the Mother Wound Impacts Confidence

    For many women, the mother wound manifests as self-doubt, people-pleasing, and an inability to set boundaries. Some women grow up in homes where love feels conditional—where approval has to be earned, and mistakes are met with harsh criticism or emotional withdrawal. Others have mothers who are physically present but emotionally unavailable, making them feel unseen or unworthy. Some have experienced enmeshment, where their mother’s needs overshadow their own, leaving them with little room to develop a strong sense of self.

    Over time, these experiences shape our self-perception. A constantly criticised woman may internalise the belief that she is never good enough. A woman who felt invisible as a child may struggle to take up space or use her voice. A woman who was always responsible for her mother’s emotional needs may believe her own needs are secondary.

    These wounds don’t stay in childhood—they follow us into adulthood. I have met women who struggle to ask for what they want in relationships, fearing rejection or disapproval. Some find it hard to take career risks because they subconsciously believe they don’t deserve success. Others hesitate to set boundaries because they are conditioned to prioritise their mother’s feelings.

    The Burden of Trying to “Earn” Love

    One of the most heartbreaking effects of the mother wound is the way it convinces women that they have to earn love and are not worthy of support. Instead of walking confidently in their God-given purpose, they may hold themselves back, believing they must prove their worth before receiving anything good. They may become overachievers, always striving for perfection, or shrink themselves, afraid of being too much. In both cases, confidence is affected.

    Many of these women also find themselves stuck in patterns of appeasement—trying endlessly to please their mothers, even when it costs them their emotional or physical well-being. They may feel responsible for their mother’s happiness, carrying guilt and shame whenever they prioritise themselves. Some women don’t even realise they are doing this; it has become so ingrained that it feels like second nature.

    Breaking the Cycle & Reclaiming Confidence

    Healing from the mother’s wound is a journey, but the first step is awareness. Understanding the ways this relationship has shaped your confidence allows you to begin rewriting the narrative. You do not have to stay trapped in patterns of self-doubt or people-pleasing.

    Here are a few steps to begin reclaiming your confidence:

    1. Acknowledge the Impact—Recognise how your mother-daughter relationship has influenced your self-esteem, boundaries, and sense of worth. Acknowledgement isn’t about blame—it’s a crucial step in healing.

    2. Challenge Limiting Beliefs – Think about beliefs you have since childhood that no longer serve you? If you believe you are only worthy when you are “perfect” or your needs don’t matter, it’s time to challenge those lies.

    3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt – You are allowed to prioritise yourself. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother; it means you love yourself enough to protect your peace and well-being.

    4. Surround Yourself with Support – Healing happens in the community. Find spaces where you feel seen, heard, and understood. Support might be therapy, coaching, or support groups.

    5. Step into Your Purpose—You can build confidence through action. Start taking small steps toward your desired life, even if fear is present. Remember, you are already enough.

    A Message for Women Who Resonate with This

    As I shared these insights at the panel, I could see their impact on the room, especially on the woman who had asked the question. For her, this was a revelation. Her confidence struggles weren’t just about mindset or self-discipline; they were deeply rooted in her childhood experiences.

    If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible, and you can build confidence. It starts with understanding the wounds, challenging the lies, and stepping into the truth of who you are.

    I created my premium podcast, Unpacking the Stories That Shape Us, as a space for women like you to begin this journey. You’ll gain the tools to heal, rebuild your confidence, and walk fully in your purpose through real stories, expert insights, and coaching.

    You don’t have to keep carrying these wounds alone. Healing is your birthright. Confidence is possible. And you are worthy of it all.

    Let’s start the journey together. HERE

  • Where Are the Church Leaders in the Fight Against Abuse?

    Where Are the Church Leaders in the Fight Against Abuse?

    More and more victims of adult clergy sexual abuse are coming forward. As someone who knows firsthand the impact of sexual abuse, both personally and professionally – through working with many women in one-on-one counselling and my course, Journey to Freedom, I have seen the devastating and long-term effects of this trauma.

    Sexual abuse leaves deep internal wounds that can be soul-destroying. The ramifications ripple into every aspect of life. Some survivors have chosen never to marry or have children. Some survivors struggle with emotional connection and intimacy.

    Trust—such a fundamental part of human relationships—becomes a battle. Many live with the deep-seated fear that vulnerability equals danger, making healthy attachment almost impossible. These are just some of the burdens that survivors carry, and they do so largely in silence.

    And yet, despite the growing number of voices speaking out, there is a deafening silence from the church, especially from men in leadership.

    The Silence of the Church

    Men lead the church. That is an undeniable fact. They hold pastoral roles, decision-making positions, and the authority over policies and safeguarding procedures. Yet, how often do we hear them speak out against abuse within their institutions? It is rare. If they do not even address the issue, how can we expect them to genuinely care for victims, honour safeguarding policies—even the ones they write—and provide pastoral care to those who are wounded?

    I often wonder: Are we expecting more from them than they are willing or able to give? If they are not naturally moved to protect the vulnerable, can we teach them to be? Can we train them to be advocates?

    Even as I write this, something in me resists the idea. Surely, advocacy for the abused should not require training. Surely, if you feel called to pastoral ministry, caring for the wounded should come as part of the package. Shouldn’t this be innate in those who claim to represent Christ?

    Rethinking Recruitment

    This leads me to another question: When selecting candidates for pastoral roles, should churches actively assess their capacity for empathy and care? Should recruiters ask explicit questions about abuse prevention, victim advocacy, and safeguarding on application forms? Should there be a requirement for ministry applicants to have experience in social care or a related field before even stepping into seminary?

    These are not trivial concerns. The stream of people coming forward about adult clergy abuse is not slowing down. And beyond them, there remains the heartbreaking reality that children and young people continue to suffer harm within the church. It is not enough to say we care—we must ensure that those entrusted with leadership are not only aware of these issues but equipped to handle them with wisdom and compassion.

    And for those who have been wounded and left the church because their pain was dismissed, their stories doubted, and their suffering shamed—what do we say to them? How do we answer for a church that, time and again, has failed to protect its most vulnerable members?

    Women’s Ordination and the Fight for Power

    Another troubling observation: Those who are the most vocal against women’s ordination are often the most silent on issues of abuse. I have yet to see an advocate for survivors among those who aggressively fight to keep women from stepping into pastoral roles.

    One has to wonder: Is their resistance to women in ministry truly biblical, or is it simply a mechanism to maintain power? Is this about theology, or is it about gatekeeping, ensuring that control remains firmly in the hands of men who see themselves as the sole arbiters of God’s calling?

    If they are so passionate about preserving the sanctity of ministry, why do they not channel that same energy into protecting the innocent from harm? If they are so concerned with following God’s order, why do they not weep and rage against the violation of His children?

    Where Do We Go From Here?

    As you can see, I have more questions than answers. But I am learning to take my questions to God, to wrestle with them in prayer, and to trust that He sees what we so often fail to address.

    In the meantime, I will continue asking these questions. I will continue inviting the church to think more deeply about its policies, not just as a bureaucratic exercise, but as a moral imperative.

    Safeguarding cannot be mere lip service. It must become the heartbeat of the church. We must model the compassion and care of Christ, not just in words, but in tangible actions that protect the vulnerable, uphold justice, and bring true healing to the wounded. Only then will the church truly reflect the character of the One it claims to follow.

  • Facing Emotionally Immature Parents Over the Holidays: Navigating the Strain and Finding Peace

    Facing Emotionally Immature Parents Over the Holidays: Navigating the Strain and Finding Peace

    The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. But for many people, they can also be a time of deep emotional strain—especially when it comes to facing emotionally immature or toxic family members. If you’ve done the work—been in therapy, read the books, practised setting boundaries, and cultivated safe, healthy friendships—you might feel you’ve got a handle on your emotional health. Yet, when the holidays roll around and the obligatory trip home looms on the horizon, all that progress can feel like it will get tested in the most challenging way.

    For those people dealing with narcissistic parents, it can feel like a trap with no easy escape. The anticipation of being in a space where your emotional well-being isn’t respected can bring up anxiety, dread, and even fear. You’ve worked hard to create a safe and fulfilling life, but the pull of family obligations can throw that off balance. How do you face the emotionally immature parent who hasn’t changed and who makes everything about them while still protecting your own mental and emotional health?

    The Narcissistic Mother: Making Everything About Her

    To understand what you’re facing, it helps to recognise the traits of a narcissistic parent. Narcissistic mothers, in particular, often centre the world around their own needs and desires, disregarding the feelings and boundaries of others—especially their children. They demand attention, praise, and admiration, often at the expense of their child’s emotional well-being. This behaviour can make having healthy, balanced conversations with them difficult.

    Engaging in difficult conversations with them is pointless, whether about your feelings, life choices, or needs—she quickly shifts the focus to herself. She becomes aggressive and defensive and often accuses you of “attacking” her when, in reality, you’re simply trying to have an honest discussion. Her go-to line is “We sent you to school,” which carries an unspoken expectation that you owe her for providing you with an education and a life. This sense of obligation is likely woven into your entire relationship with her.

    Facing the Holidays: What Are Your Options?

    Now, as the holidays approach, you face a difficult choice. Do you make the obligatory trip home and endure the emotionally charged environment of sarcasm, passive-aggressive denial, and toxic manipulation wrapped in the guise of scripture? Or do you stay away and spend the holidays alone, facing the loneliness that comes with that decision? Alternatively, consider going home but staying at a hotel, visiting briefly for dinner, and then escaping as soon as possible.

    Regardless of your choice, it’s essential to be resourced so you can survive—and even thrive—through the holidays.

    Preparing for the Holidays: Resourcing Yourself for Survival

    The key to surviving the holidays with an emotionally immature parent is to ensure that you are well-resourced. Equipping yourself with tools and strategies to protect your emotional health is essential.

    Here are a few ways you can prepare:

    1. Set Boundaries: Before going home, remind yourself of the boundaries you’ve worked hard to establish. Decide in advance what you will and won’t tolerate, and stick to it. Activating your boundaries may mean limiting your time with your mother, refusing to engage in specific conversations, or taking breaks when you feel overwhelmed.
    2. Practice Self-Compassion: Holidays can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, and obligation, especially when it comes to toxic family dynamics. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that you can take care of your well-being, even if it means disappointing your mother. You don’t owe her your peace of mind.
    3. Have an Exit Strategy: If you decide to go home, have a plan for when things get tricky. Part of your plan might involve taking a walk, going to a separate room, or leaving early if the environment becomes too toxic.
    4. Lean on Your Support System: Reach out to your safe, healthy friendships. Talk to people who understand your situation and can offer encouragement and perspective when needed. Plan to connect with friends or a therapist to avoid feeling isolated if you spend the holidays alone.
    5. Prepare for Manipulation: Narcissistic parents are experts at manipulation, and the holidays are prime time for them to pull you into their emotional games. Be prepared for gaslighting, guilt trips, and emotional outbursts. Remind yourself that their behaviour is not your responsibility, and don’t engage in attempts to manipulate or control you.
    6. Focus on Your Healing: During the holidays, focus on habits that will continue to nourish and strengthen you. Take time to journal, pray with others, or do something creative that brings you joy. Find ways to nurture your spirit, even if it sometimes feels difficult.

    You Are Not Alone

    The holidays don’t have to be a time of emotional turmoil, even if you’re dealing with an emotionally immature or narcissistic parent. Whether you make the obligatory trip home, stay away, or visit briefly, the key is to equip yourself with the emotional resources you need to protect your peace and prioritise your well-being. You have done the hard work of therapy, setting boundaries, and learning to love yourself—now it’s time to lean into those tools and trust that you will navigate this challenging season with courage.

    Remember: You are not alone. You deserve a peaceful holiday, and with the right mindset and resources, you can face even the most challenging family dynamics and come out stronger on the other side.

  • The Burden of Forgiveness: A Reflection on Forgiveness, Abuse, and Accountability

    The Burden of Forgiveness: A Reflection on Forgiveness, Abuse, and Accountability

    Forgiveness is a central tenet of the Christian faith. The Bible teaches that if we forgive others, our Heavenly Father will forgive us (Matthew 6:14). This directive guides believers on the importance of extending grace. In the well-known exchange between Peter and Jesus, Peter asks how often he should forgive someone who wrongs him. Jesus replies, “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22), implying that we should consider generously offering forgiveness as Christians.

    But what happens when forgiveness is misapplied, especially in the context of abusive relationships? Christians get called to forgive, but God does not give commands meant to cause harm. So, how do we reconcile the principle of “seventy times seven” with the harsh reality of abuse, particularly in marriages?

    A Misunderstood Mandate

    From a therapeutic perspective, I have spent over two decades working with women, many of whom are Christian and have experienced abuse. A troubling pattern I’ve seen is how the burden of forgiveness often falls solely on the victim. The church, at times, inadvertently places the responsibility of healing the relationship entirely on the woman, the victim, while neglecting to hold the perpetrator accountable.

    This approach can be damaging.

    Forgiveness is also frequently misunderstood as the path to changing the abuser’s behaviour, but this interpretation is flawed. Time and again, I’ve seen women give their all—praying, forgiving, and trying to mould themselves into whatever shape their abusive spouse demands—only to discover that nothing changes. The promise that forgiveness will somehow transform their abuser rings hollow.

    It can be devastating when these women realise that their forgiveness will not lead to the change they had hoped for. The light of hope dims in their eyes as they confront the painful truth: forgiveness, as the church teaches, does not stop the abuse or make the abuser a better person.

    The Emotional Toll of Misapplied Forgiveness

    Forgiveness, when misapplied, places an overwhelming emotional burden on the victim. Many women who are in abusive marriages develop anxiety due to the constant state of hypervigilance they must maintain to avoid upsetting their abuser. They may also experience depression as they internalise feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and sadness.

    When leaders frame forgiveness as the solution to abuse, the victim is left feeling responsible not only for the abuse but also for “fixing” their abuser. Blaming victims is not the type of forgiveness that Jesus meant when He instructed Peter to forgive “seventy times seven.” Jesus’s command does not ask us to remain in harmful situations or to bear the sole responsibility for someone else’s change.

    Forgiveness vs. Accountability

    In Luke 3:8, John the Baptist taught that people should “bear fruits worthy of repentance.” This principle is crucial when addressing forgiveness in the context of abuse. Repentance requires genuine change, not just lip service or empty promises. True repentance is a transformation from the inside out, reflected in changed actions, behaviour, and character.

    For an abuser, bearing fruit worthy of repentance means taking full responsibility for their actions, seeking help, and demonstrating consistent behavioural change. It means no longer insulting or belittling their spouse but instead building them up and living out the command in Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

    A repentant person will also prioritise their family’s emotional and spiritual safety.

    For a woman in an abusive relationship, actual change will be evident when her home no longer feels like a place of fear or dread but becomes a safe, loving environment. She will no longer have to live in constant anxiety, waiting for the next cycle of abuse to begin. A truly repentant man will take ownership of his emotional triggers, work on his self-awareness, and grow in emotional and spiritual maturity.

    Forgiveness alone cannot achieve this kind of transformation. Forgiveness is not a magic key that unlocks a new heart in someone else. Change is the external reflection of internal work that individuals must undertake for themselves.

    The Church’s Responsibility

    When the church places the burden of forgiveness on victims without addressing the need for accountability and repentance from perpetrators, it is not teaching the true gospel of Christ. Instead of leading people toward genuine heart transformation through God’s grace, it risks enabling abuse to continue unchecked.

    By failing to hold abusers accountable, the church does a disservice to both victims and perpetrators. Victims get tasked with the impossible job of changing someone else through their forgiveness. At the same time, leaders deprive perpetrators of the opportunity to confront their sins, repent, and seek true healing through Christ.

    What Forgiveness Looks Like

    According to the Bible, forgiveness is a powerful and necessary act of grace. However, it shouldn’t be weaponised against victims, forcing them to remain in unsafe situations. Forgiveness does not mean condoning sin, ignoring harm, or taking responsibility for someone else’s change.

    Forgiveness is about releasing bitterness and allowing yourself to heal from the wrongs done to you. It’s about entrusting justice to God, knowing He is righteous and will ultimately deal with those who refuse to change. But forgiveness does not negate the need for boundaries, nor does it require staying in an abusive relationship.

    In cases of abuse, the church should empower victims to set healthy boundaries, seek safety, and protect themselves from further harm. Forgiveness may still be part of their journey, but it should never be used as a tool to control them or to avoid holding the abuser accountable.

    Conclusion

    The burden of forgiveness should never fall solely on the victim, especially in abusive relationships. While forgiveness is a powerful part of the healing process, it is not a substitute for accountability or genuine repentance.

    If done well, the church can support both victims and perpetrators, encouraging repentance and heart transformation while protecting the vulnerable and ensuring their safety.

    However, what often happens is that abusers are protected, not encouraged to repent and still allowed to serve even in leadership positions instead of stepping back in humility. And to make everyone comfortable, the victims are shamed for the hurt they carry.

    When understood correctly, forgiveness offers freedom and healing. But it should never shield abusers from the consequences of their actions. As we navigate these problematic dynamics, we must remember that God calls us to forgive, but He also calls for justice, accountability, and the protection of the oppressed.